Tuesday, October 7, 2008

FOR THOSE WHO LIKE THEIR "SUDS"...

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In early August I learned that a friend of mine – a lovely Christian woman (there was a time when she was a Countess!) - has started her own little company: she sells unique homemade soaps and lip glosses to help support her family. This lady meets the Proverbs 31:10-31 standard of “A Virtuous Wife.” Read it for yourself and see!

The name of this little company is FIREFLY ESSENTIALS, and Bringing Out Your Inner “Glow” is the promise of their motto. Here’s her website's address:

http://www.fireflyessentials.com/Soaps.html

I’m a graduate of The Robert Mitchum School Of Guyology, so I won’t even pretend to know a dang thing about lip glosses. If you want a dude’s opinion about lip gloss, you’ll need to consult Boy George, David Bowie, or David Johansen of New York Dolls fame. But I have used soap from time to time when people started to complain, so I think I can speak to that.

Well, I had the good fortune to try a few of FIREFLY ESSENTIALS’ soaps recently and I really liked ‘em, and so did my coworkers (the complaints ceased immediately!) Now I’m not telling you this just because this woman is a friend of mine – I wouldn’t promote a product simply because it will enrich a friend. No, I’m telling you this because she paid me to.

Oh, I’m only kidding… although I might ask her if she has that money she owes me, just to watch her become flummoxed. (Don’tcha just love that word “flummoxed”?)

No, truthfully, I purchased some bars of soap from her, just to see what I thought of them. I was impressed right away. And after going on vacation a couple of weeks ago and using some of that ACME hotel soap for eight days, I was all the more pleased in going back to my Firefly Essentials soap when I got home.

I’ve now tried three different types of Firefly soap: the EUCALYPTUS/SPEARMINT bar, which has a nice, crisp, clean scent to it, and her newest creation which is called CHAPS. This one is based on the Ralph Lauren cologne of the same name (I used to wear that scent in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s, so you know it stinks real good!) She feels the scent in the bar needs to be intensified a bit, so I don’t believe she’s offering this one to the general public yet. (I was the guinea pig! But I’ve been called worse things… like just “pig.”)

But I think my favorite is EGYPTIAN DRAGON. The Egyptian Dragon soap is described as “a sensual blend of exotic amber, elegant frankincense, myrrh and a whisper of patchouli oil, with rose and other florals.” This soap has such a manly scent that whenever I rub the bar across my pectorals, it makes those three little hairs on my chest giggle like a gaggle of schoolgirls. Mmmm… I’m serious! This soap smells terrific, and it makes me smell terrific, too. They tell me at work that I can leave my office door open now, and that I’m going to get a raise! Not only that, but I now smell so wonderful that the other day, a beautiful woman on the street grabbed my crotch. She also grabbed my wallet simultaneously. Oh, no sir, she didn’t put one over on me: I knew exactly what she was doing! I just thought it was worth what I had in my wallet, that’s all.

You’ll notice that the label on every bar says that the final ingredient added is “Love”, and I believe it too, because now the neighbor’s dog is always trying to hump my leg! I’m not fond of that, but heck, I’m eating up all of the attention I get nowadays.

But FIREFLY ESSENTIALS offers a soap for every type of person – there’s many more varieties to choose from. For instance:

The CONFEDERATE JASMINE soap is white, blue, and brown, and it looks like some sort of exciting ice cream flavor. I showed the picture of it to my brother, Napoleon, and said, “Man, don’t’cha just want to take a bite into that?” He agreed. The website says that it, “recaptures those by-gone days and warm Southern nights. Wonderful Apricot scented Osmanthus and white Star Jasmine.” Osmanthus? Hmmm… A doctor treated me for that some years ago. Very embarrassing! (I always warn a woman about my osmanthus problem in advance, before she has that second glass of champagne and things go too far.)

The MARDI GRAS soap bar is very, very colorful – it looks like Walt Disney was bleeding in the snow. It’s described as “Fun, flirty, refreshing and fruity. It’s bursting with Raspberry, Peach and other fruits as well as a touch of citrus with a light floral of Lily, Magnolia and a tiny hint of Musk.” As I understand it, Firefly’s Mardi Gras is the official soap of San Francisco.

[*I tried to post pictures of these wild soaps here, but evidently I’m suffering from Old-Skool-Dinosauritis and couldn’t figure out how it’s done. You’ll just have to visit the website, you lazy beeztardz!]

The GOAT MILK/HONEY/OATMEAL soap is “a gentle exfoliating bath bar leaving your skin feeling soft and silky.” Very interesting: you eat it and it works from the inside out! Probably tastes best with a little brown sugar sprinkled on top.

The MINT CHOCOLATE TWIST soap is described as “a refreshing BLAST of cool mint and rich dark chocolate.” It doesn’t say whether or not you can get that with peanuts or almonds.

I think the next variety I’m going to try, however, is the WARM SANDALWOOD VANILLA. Did you know that King Solomon probably used Sandalwood to make walkways and stools for the Temple of God in Jerusalem? Sorta makes you want to treat Sandalwood with more respect, doesn't it? And Vanilla? Heck, I’d go to war for Vanilla. Not French Vanilla, of course, but just the V. planifolia variety. (Did you hear how the Sauerkraut marched into a Paris kitchen and all the French Vanilla immediately surrendered?)

“Stephanie”, my alter ego, keeps cajoling me to try the ORCHID GODDESS bar. But I always respond, “Oh, pipe down you effeminate little voice in my head!” (I’d better be careful what I write – people might start to take me seriously. Ah, no, no chance of THAT! I was recently reminded that no one takes me seriously even when I AM serious.)

But then of course Firefly Essentials also offers “JUST PLAIN SOAP” for the Just Plain Bob on your shopping list. I’m sure Just Plain Bob will thank you with a subtle but not unappreciative, “OK.”

Why would you want to buy the soap you’re going to rub all over your beautiful body daily from some faceless, soulless mega-corporation like Dial or Unilever or Colgate-Palmolive, when you could get it from a real, down-home American living in Tennessee, the greenest state in the land of the free. (Killed her a bahr when she was only three!) Why would you use some crummy ACME soap when you can use the nice stuffs? Don’t be a dope, use the soapiest soap!

And believe me, this Firefly Essentials woman IS a true American – I’ll vouch for her. Heck, she loves her Mother; I’ve seen her eat apple pie; I’ve attended baseball games with her, and baseball is America’s pastime, don’tcha know? In fact, I never once saw her root for the Montreal Expos over the Los Angeles Dodgers; I never once saw her order nachos instead of Dodger Dogs. And she even speaks English real good-like! I never heard her yell out, “Estas ciego, Azul? Mata el arbitro!”; she always yelled, “Are you blind, Blue? Kill the umpire!” Like I said, real good English.

My old friend told me that some woman tried one of her Firefly soaps a while ago and she likes the soap so much that it’s now the only one she’ll use. (I felt that way about a girl once.)

Although my friend who started this company doesn’t make this claim, I’m here to tell you that Firefly soap will wash away all of your financial troubles as well as memories of your ex-husband, his mother, and the kids from his first and second marriages. And it will restore the value to your home, too. OK, now I know I went too far. But if this isn’t the best soap your bod has ever known then my name isn’t Honest John. (Oh, heck, you know what I mean.)

I wish this soap was around in my serious drinking days – I would have used it to wash away my hangovers and the memories from the night before. As it was, I had to live with them until the M.A.B. (MORNING AFTER BEER) kicked in. And speaking of beer, here’s another product to help you Bring Out Your Inner “Glow.” I also personally know one of the fine people responsible for THIS fine product…

http://deansbros.com/

One of the two Deans Brothers of DEANS BROTHERS BREWING COMPANY happens to be my Brother-In-Law. As little as I know about lip gloss, that’s how much I DO KNOW about beer!

Although I’ve been drinking beer since I was old enough to say, “Hey, mister, if I give you the money, will you buy me a six-pack?” I first became a true beer connoisseur in 1988. It was during the Los Angeles Dodgers 1988 season that, for some reason which I can no longer recall, I began drinking Pilsner Urquell while I rooted my team on to World Championship victory. I recognized instantly that this brew was drastically superior to that American pee-colored water passing itself off as beer that I’d been drinking for years. (You know, those pseudo-brews like Miller, Budweiser and Coors, etc.?) Well, I got it into my head that the Dodgers couldn’t win unless I was quaffing Pilsner Urquell, so I quaffed a lot and the underDOdGers roared to the National League West title and then upset the Mets and the Athletics as well as all of their fans. (Don’tcha just love that word “quaffed”?)

After the ’88 baseball season, I never went back to drinking lousy beer again, as I began sampling all sorts of imported and microbrewed beers (there were far less available then than now). I made it a point to try anything new I came across, and in the process, I developed discriminating taste (and a beer-sodden mind and beer barrel belly). But I NEVER got into Polka!

Now granted, I don’t consume much alcohol anymore – mostly when I’m on vacation, and I don’t go on vacation as often as I’d like. But regardless, when I say “I know beer”, you can take my word for it that I do. (In fact, that’s about all I know, but what else ya need? A knowledge of beer and the wisdom to stay out of the stock market will get anyone through these days.) And let me tell yaz, DEANS BROTHERS BEER is unquestionably primo stuffs. But watch it! The alcohol content is higher than you’re used to finding in that pee-colored Meister Brau garbage most Americans rent. (For drunkenness lasting longer than twelve hours, consult a physician. Or else take a lot of Viagra and really make the most of it.)

DEANS BROTHERS BEER is taking off so fast and gaining in popularity so quickly that I’m genuinely amazed! Considering the small size of the operation, it’s truly remarkable. What started as a hobby might well become a major American enterprise before too long. The brew is gaining rave notices at beer festivals and it has been mentioned in a couple of Los Angeles Times newspaper articles. Most impressive perhaps is that my Sister told me that the renowned chef Gordon Ramsay of the popular reality television program Hell’s Kitchen recently purchased a hotel and has requested that Deans Brothers Beer be put on tap in his hotel’s bar. Now that’s SOME recommendation, eh?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gordon_Ramsay

The bulk of the DEANS BROTHERS BREWING CO. operations is located in California, but Bro-In-Law Deans, who lives near me, also does some of the brewing personally, and every once in awhile, he’ll bring my brother Napoleon and myself a kind of mini-keg of his latest brew and install it in a small refrigerator unit that he hooked up in our garage. Uh-huh, that’s right, we have Deans Brothers Beer on tap in our garage. Every teenaged boy’s dream come true! (Minus the Playboy centerfold in the flesh, of course.) I don’t know what the technical term for this mini-keg thingy is, so I’ll just refer to it as a Mood Improver.

Well, like I said, I don’t drink a great deal anymore, but I nearly always have a couple of glasses of Brother Deans' latest brew when he comes by to reload our Mood Improver. Only once did he create a beer I wasn’t crazy about. But if you don’t wanna take my word for the quality of his product, I invite you to pick Napoleon up off the garage floor and ask his opinion!

Deans Brothers makes several variety of beers - which they refer to as “Nectar Of The Gods” - including a traditional English Pale Ale, a Black Irish Stout, an Irish Red Ale, and a Chocolate Porter. The company currently ships to Alaska, Airheadzona, California, Colorado, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Florida, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Louisiana, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oregon, South Carolina, Texas, Virginia, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming, and my garage. In other words, wherever the pretty people be!

So if you know a saloon keeper or shop owner who might want to get on the Deans Brothers bandwagon while there’s still room and it’s not so crowded that they can’t later say “I was one of the first to know!” then spit a little Michelob in their ear to get their attention, and give ‘em the lowdown, Brown; give ‘em the poop, Betty Boop; give ‘em the straight dope, Reverend Pope! Or perhaps you yourself are just curious to try a really good beer for a change. Well, then satisfy your curiosity AND your thirst. Just say “No!” to “ACME-like” beers like Old Milwaukee, Duff, and ACME. And say “Yes!” to Deans Brothers.

If this isn’t the best beer your tongue has ever luxuriated in then my name isn’t Sanctimonious Steve. (Oh, hell, you know what I mean.)

Maybe we can get these two great American entrepreneurs, FIREFLY ESSENTIALS and DEANS BROTHERS BREWING COMPANY, to come together and create the first ever American Ale Soap. Oops! Maybe not a good idea – little boys might start using profanity deliberately so that their mothers will wash their mouths out with soap. Can’t you just imagine loopy little boys staggering all around the country and cussing like sailors? “Hey, Ma! I said it AGAIN! Give me the soap!” Fuuuuudge! (Only they won't be saying "Fudge.")

Once again, my friends, here are the addresses to the websites selling these fine products that are sure to Bring Out Your Inner “Glow.” But remember folks, bathe and drink responsibly.

http://www.fireflyessentials.com/Soaps.html

http://deansbros.com/

We have much more soap and beer to discuss, and so we’ll be right back after this brief commercial break from our sponsor the ACME Religion And Politics Company…

~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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