Wednesday, January 28, 2009

THE CARDINALS ARE HOT! (BUT IT'S A DRY HEAT)

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A pretty clever letter to the editor of the sports page appeared in The Airheadzona Repugnant yesterday (Tuesday, January 27, 2009). The Arizona Cardinals started the football season as 45-1 long shots to go the distance, and when the playoffs began, they were still at 40-1. Like Mister Mingus, I too thought this underdog was all bark and no bite. That is until they took it to Carolina. When they whupped up on the Panthers and bit their tails off, dat’s when I knew da bird wuz bad:

OUT OF THE CLOSET

I have been a Cardinals closet fan since 1988. Always rooting for them from a distance and hoping they would win. I have since come out of the closet and openly root for them and have become one of their many disciples. I have denied knowing them more than three times before the sun rises. May they forgive me, for I have sinned. I will not deny them anymore. As soon as my Social Security check comes in I will buy one of those expensive $30 hats. Go Cardinals, win the Super Bowl. I am behind you all the way to the end.

~ Clifford Mingus, Phoenix

Where’s Buddy Ryan now that Phoenix has a winner in town? (That’s an inside joke - just like the title of this Blog Bit. You’d have to live and sweat here to get 'em.)

~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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Friday, January 23, 2009

CARDINALS QUARTERBACK STILL MISSING; LEINART SLATED TO START SUPER BOWL

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CARDINALS QUARTERBACK STILL MISSING; LEINART SLATED TO START SUPER BOWL

By Stephen T. McCarthy
THE DAILY DISAPPOINTMENT

PHOENIX –- Arizona Cardinals star quarterback Kurt Warner remains missing Friday, and the football team’s head coach, Ken Whisenhunt, announced that he intends to start backup quarterback Matt Leinart in the February 1st Super Bowl. “Believe me, nobody wants to find Warner more than I do. But unless he turns up before Super Bowl Sunday, I don’t see where I have any other options open to me. Matt is our guy,” Whisenhunt said.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio stated that his department is scouring the state. “If Kurt’s out there, we’ll eventually locate him. We’ll get him dead or alive,” Arpaio promised. Although the authorities have not ruled out the possibility of foul play, “[Matt] Leinart has been cleared of any suspicion,” said Arpaio.

Warner, a Christian, was reported missing last Tuesday, along with a few of his Cardinal teammates and seemingly millions of people worldwide. University of Phoenix professor of Religious Studies Abraham Isaacson speculates that the sudden disappearance of so many people may have a religious explanation. “The rapture is an occurrence that many believe is implied by certain passages in the Bible,” Isaacson said. “It is thought by some that God will remove his chosen individuals from this world just prior to the battle of Armageddon, described in the Bible’s final installment, the book of Revelation. Some of my colleagues believe that the Cardinals playing in the Super Bowl is a sign that the end of the world is imminent, and the sudden mass disappearance of individuals across the planet just adds a little fuel to that speculation,” said Isaacson.

Psychologist Susan Sikosiz discounts such explanations. She said, “Anytime you have people enduring a societal crisis, such as today’s poor global economic condition, and simultaneously what some people construe to be an unusual event occurring, such as the improbability of a team like the Arizona Cardinals making it to the Super Bowl, certain personality types are likely to jump to exaggerated conclusions; inclined to attribute some factors to supernatural phenomena.” Referring to the sudden disappearance of perhaps millions of people around the globe, Sikosiz said, “Statistically, this is insignificant.”

Roswell, New Mexico, farmer Mack McBrazil offers yet another explanation. McBrazil said, “Stuffs like this doesn’t just happen.” According to federal authorities, McBrazil has stated, “I went out to milk my cows on Tuesday, when I noticed all sorts of strange debris scattered across my ranch. While I was studying this odd metal that seemed to be from out of this world, a strange saucer-shaped craft suddenly hovered over me, and then a beam of light transported me up into the ship. There I saw Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner, along with thousands of other people being held in a state of suspended animation.” However, “McBrazil has failed a polygraph test,” Sheriff Arpaio pointed out. McBrazil is writing a book about the experience he claims to have had, and it is rumored that both Oprah Winfrey and Shirley MacLaine are interested in playing the part of Mack McBrazil in any future film treatment of the soon-to-be published book.

Meanwhile, noted football analyst and self-professed Christian Deion Sanders is distraught. Sanders, nicknamed “Prime Time”, has quit his television job and abandoned his family. In an exclusive interview with Yoey O’Dogherty (the nom de plume of columnist Bill DeQuill who writes for FallingStars.org), Sanders’ cousin, Neon Lett, said, “Cousin Deion is certain that the Holy Bible’s promised rapture has happened and that God has left him behind. He is very angry.” Lett continued to say, “The last time I saw cousin Deion, he was hanging out on benches with the winos in Artemis Park, guzzling Thunderbird and cursing God. His thirteen thousand dollar suit was ripped and stained. Prime Time is a mess. It’s really sad.”

Cardinals fans, conditioned by disappointment over the course of many decades as the National Football Conference’s doormat, seem to be taking the disappearance of their first-string quarterback in stride. “Certainly we want Kurt back for the big game,” said longtime Cardinals fan Ralph Twelfpac, “But Kurt or no Kurt, the show must go on. Go Cardinals! Shock the world!”

So far, there have been no disappearances reported amongst the Pittsburgh Steelers, the American Football Conference team that will face the 7-point underdog Cardinals in Super Bowl XLIII. “The Steelers will be at full strength,” said star receiver Hines Ward, “and we don’t want to hear no excuses from the Cardinals.”

Matt Leinart watched from the bench all season as Kurt Warner led the Cardinals on an unlikely journey to the Super Bowl. Dismissed early on as “pretenders”, the Cardinals answered their critics time and time again as they upset the opponents expected to knock them out of post-season play. But now the team turns to Leinart to lead them to victory in the National Football League’s ultimate exhibition. “I’m staying away from beer bong parties, Paris Hilton, and all of the usual distractions. I’m staying humble and even taking notes now. Are you kidding me? I’ve waited my whole career for this moment. I’m ready,” Leinart said. “Oh, but I hope they find Kurt,” he added.
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Wednesday, January 21, 2009

YO! ADRIAN!

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Undoubtedly, football fans around the country remain in stunned silence after the Arizona Cardinals upset the Philadelphia Eagles by a score of 32 to 25 in last Sunday’s National Football Conference title game. Cardinals guard Reggie Wells used the perfect word to describe it: “Surreal.” Have you ever seen overgrown men cry? Well, at least three of the Cardinals’ players broke down in tears after the game, and another one had a lump in his throat the size of a bird.

I know of one columnist back East who must still be disbelieving. John Smallwood of the Philadelphia Daily News had written this prior to Sunday’s game:

The Eagles can’t lose, because the fabric of reality will not allow the Arizona Cardinals to rip such a huge hole in it by advancing to Super Bowl XLIII. It’s simply not the Cardinals’ time. Theirs will come at Super Bowl XLVI in 2012 – that’s the year some ancient prophecies say the universe will collapse on itself and the Earth will be sucked into a giant black hole.

Guess what, Mr. Smallwood: The trains not only run on time, but sometimes they arrive early!

But I shouldn’t really give the journalist the business because he’s essentially correct. I mean, this whole nonsense about the Cardinals going to the Super Bowl is beyond belief. The truth is that the word “underdog” doesn’t even come close. It was 1947 the last time the Cardinals stood at the top of the heap. The Chicago Cubs are the only professional sports team to have spent a longer time out of The Winner’s Circle, however, I believe they have tasted more post-season play than the Cardinals have during that stretch. But regardless, Cubs and Cardinals: those two Cs are the dogs of the baseball and football worlds, respectively.

I’m not sure if any non-Arizona football fan can fully appreciate the creativity the Cardinals team has shown over the years when it comes to losing, but living here in Airheadzona since 1992, I’ve gotten more than a “bird’s-eye view” of it. I’ve never seen a sports team display greater aptitude for ineptitude.

“1,001 Ways To Lose A Football Game”: We’re the Arizona Cardinals, and we wrote the book! If they were playing, not a musical game show, but a football game show, the Cardinals could boldly predict, “We can lose that game in one play!” Or how about: One hundred people were polled and asked to name a loser. What do you think is up there? “Uhm… the Arizona Cardinals?” Good answer!-Good Answer! Do I see ‘Arizona Cardinals’? *DING!* 78% of the people polled said ‘Arizona Cardinals.’ Now gimme a kiss.

But now the Arizona Cardinals - who went 9-7 in football’s weakest division and beat only two teams with winning records on the year - are Super Bowl-bound, and many of us here in Phoenix are still expecting Allen Funt to appear and announce, “You’re on Candid Camera!”

Even the local press finds this hard to believe. One sports writer for our local paper, The Arizona Republic (“The Airheadzona Repugnant” to me and The Great L.C.), said in the Monday, January 19th edition, that the real reason the Cardinals closed the roof on their ‘convertible’ stadium for the NFC championship game last Sunday was to keep out the flying pigs.

Although the Cardinals jumped out to an early lead against the (equally disbelieving) Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday, those fans “in the know” knew not to relax. Ben Lane of Whitley Bay, England, a Cardinal fan since he was 8 or 9 years old, and attending his first game in the United States, knew enough Cardinals’ history to keep his seatbelt on. “There’s always a part of you waiting for something to go wrong because it’s the Cards,” our English friend told a reporter. Well, true to the script, things did unravel in the second half, but quarterback Kurt Warner, with some help from his friends and a lot of red birds mighty determined not to add a chapter to their “1,001 Ways To Lose” book, righted their flight and soared to victory. [And then the alarm clock went off? Hmmm. Well, I’ll be damned… no alarm clock. It was just the gun signaling the end of the game. No alarm clock?]

Did anyone else notice the Life (unconsciously) Imitating Art situation that occurred after the contest? This was my favorite post-game moment; I even started laughing out loud:

In my Blog Bit below, I called Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb “Apollo McNabb” and I borrowed a quote from America’s favorite sports underdog movie, the first in that long, long, long series of Rocky movies, “Rocky” from 1976. The movie ends, of course, with the “ham and egger” Rocky Balboa going the distance in a heavyweight bout in Philadelphia against the super-champion Apollo Creed. After the fight, Rocky is calling out for his girlfriend (“Adrian! Adrian!”) and she’s calling out for him (“Rocky! Rocky!”), and when they come together to embrace in the middle of the boxing ring, the frame freezes. Classic.

It was former Steeler Hall-Of-Fame quarterback and current Fox studio sports analyst Terry Bradshaw who interviewed a couple of the Cardinals’ players on the field after the game. At one point, he sought an interview with Cardinals’ safety Adrian Wilson, who had a monster of a game on defense, recording two sacks, seven solo tackles and forcing a fumble. But Wilson couldn’t be found in the crowd of jubilant Cardinals. Bradshaw started calling out: Adrian! Where’s Adrian? Anyone know where Adrian is? Hey, Adrian!

Now granted, Terry Bradshaw isn’t Sylvester Stallone and Adrian Wilson is a far cry from Talia Shire, and granted the famous film fight took place IN Philadelphia, while this gridiron fight took place AGAINST Philadelphia, but even so, was that an odd twist and yet an appropriate ending to this Underdog Becomes Top Dog story… or what? I'm tellin' ya, there is some strange stuffs happening here. And, yes, Reggie Wells, "surreal" is the word for all of it.

Yo! Stay tuned! Next up for your viewing pleasure is Super Bowl XLIII, or ROCKY 43, whichever comes first.

~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

CARDINALS VIE WITH EAGLES FOR TOP NEST IN THE NFC

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Bird watchers everywhere are eagerly anticipating the Sunday, January 18th National Football Conference championship game between the Airheadzona Cardinals and the Philadelphia Eagles. This Peckfest is drawing comparisons to the David vs. Goliath match-up, but it’s really more of a story about how the early Eagle gets the worm.

Awww, but wait just a minute here! Isn’t there a prophecy in The Holy Bible’s book of Revelation stating that “When the red bird flies West for the Winter showdown” it’s a sign of the End-Times? If so, this then, of course, is good news for the Cardinals and bad news for the world. As the Wise Old Man of the Mountain says: “Oh well… so be it.” But wouldn’t it just figure that the best thing that could happen to arguably the worst franchise in professional sports would be the worst thing that could happen to the rest of the world? Oh, the delicious irony. Please, sir, can I have some more?

This entire scenario, with the Airheadzona Cardinals playing for a spot in Super Bowl XLIII is just off-the-charts improbable. I mean, it’s just silly, ya know, like silly? Here we have an organization that has proven time and time again that winning doesn’t really interest it. But the taxpayers buy it a new stadium anyway (stupid taxpayers!), and then the old bird, Bill Bi(r)dwill, finally steps aside to let his son run the operations and the “Same Old Cardinals” (as we in Phoenix have grown accustomed to calling them), that went 9 and 7 in the weakest division in football and beat only two teams during the regular season who ended the year with winning records, are suddenly flying high and in a dogfight for the Conference title. Unbeweevable!

Well, I’m not a Bi(r)dwill fan, nor a Cardinals fan, but I am a KURT WARNER fan, and so I will wear red on Sunday and root for the Arizona “Kurtinals.”

Kurt Warner, the guy who got kicked to the side only to later win a Championship and League and Super Bowl MVPs; who, while on the world’s biggest stage was asked to comment and rather than say “I’m going to Disneyland!” said, “First things first...” and then proceeded to praise his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ; Warner, who later started up a foundation for ill and handicapped children and named it “First Things First”; Warner who, as a backup quarterback here and there and everywhere, did everything in his power to help improve the play of the guy who was starting at the position ahead of him; Warner, as classy an individual as has ever donned a National Football League uniform - how could anyone NOT be a Kurt Warner fan? Why, as the song goes: “If you don’t like Kurt Warner, you can kiss my a##!” (Well, yes, the song says “Hank Williams”, not Kurt Warner. But other than the lucky number thirteen on a jersey, a little Country twang, and a hunert and forty-seven Cadillacs, what’s the difference?)

This team seems to be feeding on its “underbird” status and the disrespectful comments about it coming from the media and current and former NFL players. How else does one explain the astounding change in the level of their play since the regular season ended and the playoffs began? Well, personally, I believe a more rational explanation is that space aliens abducted the Cardinal team and replaced it with football players. But heck, maybe I’m alone in that opinion.

I just thought I’d share with you some stuffs that has been in the local paper, The Arizona Republic (a.k.a. “The Daily Disappointment”), and one item from USA Today:

"SUPER BOWL IS JUST 1 HOME WIN AWAY" by Kent Somers in “The Daily Disappointment”; Monday, January 12:

The Cardinals started last week as 10-point underdogs [to the Carolina Panthers] and with [Pro-Bowl receiver] Boldin hobbled by a hamstring strain. Neither situation improved much as the week progressed, and Boldin sat out. “The guys made me a promise,” Boldin said. “They told me they would give me another week. They were true to their word.” … Before this season, 61 years had passed since their last home playoff game. ... There is a sense that larger forces are at work here. Depending upon your point of view, it could be divine intervention, good fortune or just the business structure of the NFL, which is designed to give the downtrodden a chance. Maybe the Cardinals just finally took the league up on it.

In his "KEEPING SCORE" column for USA Today, Michael McCarthy (no relation) had this to say on Monday, January 12:

THE UGLY: What was the point of Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb pretending to make a phone call from the Giants sideline after running out of bounds with the game well in hand? Fox announcers Troy Aikman and Joe Buck thought it was a bush-league move. “Sometimes, I don’t know what goes through that guy’s head,” Aikman said.

Well, I think I do. I think McNabb is just a Terrell Owens wannabe. That strikes me as a typical “Look At Me, Everyone!” Owens stunt. And it’s mighty cocky behavior for a guy who was benched due to poor play just some weeks back. Compare McNabb’s demeanor to the consistent humility of a Kurt Warner. If there’s any justice in the universe (and I sometimes wonder), a freshly re-humbled McNabb will find himself eating chips and dip in his La-Z-Boy recliner and watching classy Kurt march the Arizona Kurtinals down the Tampa Bay Super Bowl field of play on February 1st.

On Tuesday, January 13, Dan Bickley of “The Daily Disappointment” wrote the following about all the disrespect and disbelief surrounding the Arizona Cardinals:

A Philadelphia columnist said, “The hardest part of the job is done.” An ESPN.com columnist belittled the Cardinals’ chances under a headline that read, “Let’s Book Eagles for Tampa.” That should be plenty of material for this group. If not, there’s one last item on which to chew. It happened during a news conference with quarterback Donovan McNabb before the divisional playoffs, after the Eagles had made the cover of Sports Illustrated.

Q: “S.I. called you guys a very dangerous team right now. How dangerous do you think you guys are?”

McNABB: “Well, they called the Cardinals dangerous, too. It’s a regional copy.”

Deep laughter filled the room. … For them, the verdict on the Cardinals came during the Eagles’ 48-20 win on Thanksgiving.

Indeed. But if the Eagles go into Sunday’s game believing that they will be facing the same Cardinals team that they trounced in Philadelphia on Thanksgiving, they are going to be taken by surprise, just like the Falcons and the Panthers were. This is not – I repeat, NOT – the “Same Old Cardinals.” I don’t know who they are, actually, but they’re coming to play some serious football. These are not the defenseless worms that the Eagles feasted on Thanksgiving night. Beware, Apollo McNabb, the Cardinals “Don’t know it’s a damn show; they think it’s a damn fight!”

But I knew all along that the Cardinals would be playing in the NFC Championship; I deduced it long ago. Nah. I’m lyin’ like an old dog on the front porch. Anyone who tells you that they foresaw the Cardinals being in this position is yankin’ yer chain. Although I will admit that, from the very beginning of post-season play, my buddy Mr. Paul was much more optimistic about the Kurtinals than I was. He said right from the start that they had a real chance. I was so sure they didn’t that it cost me one hundred dollars to the charity of Mr. Paul’s choice.

One person, however, DID foresee the Cardinals playing in the NFC Championship. And on their home turf, no less. And this person was a SHE! Stick that on your grill and smoke it, boys!

"MOM'S PLAYOFF VISION COMES TRUE FOR FB SMITH" by Kent Somers and Richard Obert for “The Daily Disappointment”; Tuesday, January 13:

It was in April, when the breast cancer had spread to her brain and she was in the toughest battle of her life, that Cardinals fullback Terrelle Smith’s mother first told him of her vision. She said she saw him playing at home in the NFC Championship Game. Nine months later, it’s happening. “Doctors say sometimes they get delusional and, at times, we thought she was,” Smith said. “But now it lines up. It makes sense, and it tells me what to fight for every week.” She won’t get to see it. She died in December. Smith’s father died four years earlier. Smith said he is dedicating Sunday’s game against the Eagles to both parents. “I’m keeping a positive out of something that could devastate you badly,” Smith said.

Does the fact that Smith’s Mother saw him playing in the NFC Championship, but not the Super Bowl, mean that the Cardinals will lose against the Eagles on Sunday? Not necessarily. As I contemplated this situation further, it occurred to me that she may have seen just this far for a reason: Every football player’s dream is to make it to the Super Bowl, and every football player’s parents share that dream with their kid. Seeing Smith in the Super Bowl would have been too idealistic, too common for a vision. What player couldn’t reply, “Yeah, I envision that too, Ma.” No, the NFC Championship is much more specific. And the detail about it being a home game adds even more credence to the prophecy. Cardinals? NFC Championship? At home? Nope, there’s strange stuffs afoot here.

I’m now predicting that the Airheadzona Kurtinals will beat the Philadelphia Eagles this Sunday. The fact that every single one of my predictions thus far in the NFL post-season has been wrong might mean I’ve just given the red birds the kiss of death. But I’m looking at it in more of a Waylon Jennings kinda way.

In his 1996 autobiography, one of the many great stories Waylon tells has him inadvertently insulting some dude who was at least as large as the largest defensive linemen in the NFL. The monster caught up with Waylon backstage after the show:

“I just wanted to hear ‘Green River’ and you smarted off at me. How’d you like me to slap some of that smartness out of you?”

I was staring at his belt buckle. He was big; he looked like he’d fight a circle saw. I knew I was in trouble. My adrenaline started flowing. … “Look,” I said to him, “I have had one hundred and seventy-five fights in my life, and I’ve lost every one of them. You’d do well not to f - - k with me because I’m bound to win one someday.” He started laughing, and so did I, and we became friends after that.

I feel the same way. The law of averages dictates that as an amateur football prognosticator, I’m overdue to get one right. Why not this one?

But this much I will say with supreme confidence: IF the Arizona Cardinals manage to pull an upset and beat the Philadelphia Eagles this Sunday to advance to Super Bowl XLIII, they will also win the Super Bowl, regardless of whether they are the “underbirds” against the Ravens or the “underbirds” against the Steelers. The Angel of The Lord does not carry you across the wilderness only to abandon you at the locked gates of The Father’s Mansion.

~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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Saturday, January 10, 2009

FAVORITE JOKES 'N' QUOTES 'N' STUFFS [Part 1 Of 2]

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[From the STMcC archive: 2006, February]

UPON ARRIVAL [IN HEAVEN],
DO NOT SPEAK TO SAINT PETER UNTIL SPOKEN TO.
DO NOT BEGIN ANY REMARK WITH, "SAY."
LEAVE YOUR DOG OUTSIDE.
HEAVEN GOES BY FAVOR. IF IT WENT BY MERIT,
YOU WOULD STAY OUT AND THE DOG WOULD GO IN.

~ Mark Twain


INTRODUCTION, Or HOWDY:
What follows is based on a guide I constructed for BigBitch.com a couple of years ago. These are some of my favorite jokes ‘n’ quotes ‘n’ stuffs, and I may decide to update this periodically as I’m reminded of overlooked gems.

There are only two kinds of people in this world, and I’m the third. I’m equally comfortable plucking a quote from The Hallowed Halls of Knowledge or stealing a line from some drunken bum who’s lying face down in the gutter trying to lap up some spilt buck-a-bottle wine. (I myself was always more of a Night Train Express man than a Thunderbird man.) I mean, a good line is a good line regardless of its origin or pedigree. A case in point: In the early ‘80s, my friend Pooh witnessed a homeless wino woman on Venice beach arguing with her homeless wino beau. At one point, she shouted at him, “You non-money-havin’ motherf#cker!” Well, when you hear a line THAT funny, you’re never gonna forget it. Or shouldn’t, anyway.

Oh, yeah, I’m as likely to quote Cheech and Chong as I am to quote Webster and Thoreau. In fact, I’ve quoted Cheech y Chong at least weekly, and often daily, for decades: My brother Napoleon and I might spend three hours trying to install new guts in an old toilet, and upon finally completing what should have been a thirty minute project, one of us will say, “Hey, we did it, man!” To which the other will immediately reply, “We were so slick, man!”

Someone might congratulate me on utterly annihilating a Liberal in a debate about Senator Joseph McCarthy, and I’ll respond by stealing from Cheech: “You just gotta know how to lay it on them dudes, man.”

Below are some of my favorite and most often borrowed bits. No person can know me long without hearing me relate Frank Zappa’s observation about colleges and libraries, or without hearing me refer to Douglas Hyde’s sage advice to explain why I regularly and deliberately utilize only a portion of the vocabulary available to me.

If I had a dime for every time over the last quarter of a century that I’ve said in a melancholic moment, “There’s a sadness in the heart of things” or reassured myself or someone else that “It’s life, and life only” when things turned sour, I would be permanently retired right now and passed out in a fully-owned Napa Valley mansion. And if I had an additional nickel for every time I’ve said “They changed it. Somehow they changed it” or “Cut the bullsh#t; play the game!” (paraphrasing Max Taber’s line in ‘Cuckoo’s Nest’) then you, my friend, would be permanently retired, too, and occupying the East wing of my Napa Valley mansion. (Say, be a pal and go to the wine cellar and fetch me another bottle of that 1947 Cab, will ya? If we’re out of it, then just make it the December 2008 Night Train Express fresh from Modesto. Like I said, Webster and Thoreau or Cheech and Chong: it’s all good!) And if I had a penny for every time I’ve told someone “I don’t explain if you don’t understand” then we’d be having some cheese with this wine in our mansion.

There is no real rhyme or reason to the order of the following quotes... however, I’ve used some of them so frequently over the years that some folks probably think they’re Stephen T. McCarthy originals. Well, actually, a few of them ARE:


JOKES:

A guy walks in with a frog on his head, and the bartender says, "Where'd you get that?" And the frog says, "It started out as a little bump on my butt."

A seven-year-old kid says to his dad, "When I grow up, I want to be a musician." And his dad says, "I'm sorry son, but you can't have it both ways."

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

How do you get a Rock guitarist to turn down the volume on his amplifier?
Put sheet music in front of him.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he ain't gonna come anyway.

In the middle of a show, a man stands up and yells at the ventriloquist, "Hey! You've made enough jokes about us Polish people! Cut it out!" The ventriloqust says, "Take it easy, pal. They're only jokes." And the man says, "I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little guy sitting on your knee!"

This guy goes into a bar and orders three separate shot glasses of Irish whiskey, and drinks all three.
He does this day after day until the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three shots into one glass for you."
The guy says, "No, I prefer it like this. I have two brothers still in Ireland, and this way I can feel like we're all here together having a drink."
So this continues for several more weeks, and then one day the guy orders just two shots.
Concerned, the bartender asks him, "What's wrong? Did something happen to one of your brothers?"
And the guy says, "No, they're both fine,
but my doctor said I had to quit drinking."

Why did Abraham's son, Isaac, have to be under the age of 13 when God called Abraham to sacrifice him? Because if Isaac had been a teenager, it wouldn't have been a sacrifice.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.


QUOTES ‘N’ STUFFS:

A lady once offered me a mat, but...I declined it, preferring to wipe my feet on the sod before my door. It is best to avoid the beginnings of evil.
~ Henry David Thoreau
(from his book "Walden")


There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root.
~ Henry D. Thoreau
-ibid.


If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.
~ Henry D. Thoreau
-ibid.


We are conscious of an animal in us, which awakens in proportion as our higher nature slumbers.
~ Henry D. Thoreau
-ibid.


Man flows at once to God when the channel of purity is open...He is blessed who is assured that the animal is dying out in him day by day, and the Divine being established.
~ Henry D. Thoreau
-ibid.


In proportion as our inward life fails, we go more constantly and desperately to the post office. You may depend on it, that the poor fellow who walks away with the greatest number of letters, proud of his extensive correspondence, has not heard from himself this long while.
~ Henry D. Thoreau
(from his essay "Life Without Principle")


I heartily accept the motto, "That government is best which governs least".
...
How does it become a man to behave toward this American government to-day? I answer, that he cannot without disgrace be associated with it. I cannot for an instant recognize that political organization as my government which is the slave's government also.
~ Henry David Thoreau
(from his essay "Civil Disobedience")



Be sincere in your prayers.
Do you pray your prayers?
~ Mother Teresa


Preach the gospel, and if necessary, use words.
~ attributed to Saint Francis of Assisi


Government is the only human enterprise that profits from failure. Once that principle is understood, many otherwise inexplicable choices made by ruling elites and their servants can be made intelligible.
~ William Norman Grigg
[Actually, Hollywood actors can also profit from failure.
Some actors have failed their way to the top. ~STMcC]


The artist's mistakes are half of his art.
~ Horacio The Pig


Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans.
~ Allen Saunders


A mighty oak was once a little nut that stood its ground.
~ Anonymous
(On a wooden wall plaque given to me by my Ma on my birthday in 2002.)


Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
~ Richard Bach
(from his book "Illusions")


You’ve got to know you’re good before you’re good. You either know you’re good or bad, and you’re right either way.
~ Kirk Gibson


I speak for all mediocrities in the world. I am their champion. I am their patron saint.
~ Salieri
(from the movie “Amadeus”)


Don’t be DOWN on what you're not UP on.
~ Anonymous


Mankind should be our business, but we seldom attend to it.
~ Jacob Marley
(from the movie "Scrooge")


There is never enough time to do or say all the things that we would wish; the thing is to try to do as much as you can in the time that you have. Remember, time is short, and suddenly you're not there anymore.
~ The Ghost Of Christmas Present
-ibid.


Me, I'm fine; got what I want. I always get everything I want, but I know what to want.
~ Agatha Burgess


Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
~ Mark Twain


Is it not apropos that asses can be found in the word "masses"?
~ Louie Banana


For aspiring writers, Mark Twain offered this advice: “Write without pay until somebody offers pay. If nobody offers within three years, the candidate may look upon this circumstance with the most implicit confidence as the sign that sawing wood is what he was intended for.”


Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
~ Mark Twain
[*Note: This is one piece of advice that I have truly taken to heart. Why, sometimes as much as a grain of truth can be found in some of the things I’ve written. ~STMcC]


A lie is:“An abomination before the Lord and an ever present help in time of trouble.”
~ Mark Twain


According to Mark Twain, the strongest anti-polygamy verse in The Bible is: "No man can serve two masters."


When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.
~ Mark Twain


I never write "metropolis" for seven cents because I can get the same price for "city." I never write "policeman" because I can get the same money for "cop."
~ Mark Twain


Some of what has still to be learned by the West may appear to be almost absurdly simple and elementary, but it is important nonetheless. For example, never to use a long word where a short one will serve equally well, never to write with the idea of proving one's own erudition but rather in order to ensure that one's ideas shall be made as understandable to the reader as possible.
~ Douglas Hyde
(from his book "Dedication And Leadership")


The partitions were so thin that one could hear a lady in the next room changing her mind.
~ Mark Twain


College is for people not born with the talent of a Mark Twain.
~ Anonymous


If you want to get la!d, go to college; if you want an education, go to the library.
~ Frank Zappa


I would permit no man, no matter what his color might be, to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him.
~ Booker T. Washington


For how many years must the planet cool before we begin to understand that the planet is not warming? For how many years must cooling go on?
~ Geologist Dr. David Gee
(Chairman of the Science Committee of the 2008 International Geological Congress, who has authored 130 plus peer-reviewed papers, and is currently at Uppsala University in Sweden.)


I've always been different with one foot over the line;
Winding up somewhere one step ahead or behind.
It ain't been so easy, but I guess I shouldn't complain;
I've always been crazy, but it's kept me from going insane.
~ Waylon Jennings
(from his song “I’ve Always Been Crazy”)


There's one in every crowd, but for crying-out-loud, why was it always turning out to be me?
~ Waylon Jennings
(from the song “Honky Tonk Heroes” written by Billy Joe Shaver)


Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys,
'Cause they'll never stay home, and they're always alone,
Even with someone they love.
~ Ol' Waylon
(from the song “Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys” written by Waylon and Willie)


I hope you all get the idea that you really don’t have to go to music school to learn how to play. Wes Montgomery didn’t read. I mean, it’s nice if you can, if you know music theory, but it seems like the best players – my heroes – most of them didn’t read. They played from the heart, and that’s what it really takes.
~ Danny Gatton


My relationship to music is a very personal one. I mean, pretty much everything that I do, I’m doing between me and it. I think as soon as you cross that line where you’re worrying about what other people say about you, you’re in big trouble, because then you’re always guessing. For me, I’ve never really cared that much what people thought. Of course, a lot of people like it; there have been other situations people haven’t liked it. In a way, both are irrelevant to me because, believe me, every night when I go home, I know how well I played compared to how well I want to play.
~ Pat Metheny


We share very few sentiments with our government.
~ Pike Bishop
(from the movie "The Wild Bunch")


You egg-suckin', chicken-stealing gutter trash!
~ Deke Thornton
-ibid.


There's something - ah say, there's something kind of "Y-Eeew" about a kid that's never played baseball.
. . .
No, I'd better not look. I just might be in there.
~ Foghorn Leghorn
(in the cartoon "Little Boy Boo")


A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it's the only weapon we have.
~ Roger Rabbit
(from the movie "Who Framed Roger Rabbit")


I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.
~ Jessica Rabbit


I love the smell of Grey Poupon in the morning.
~ Harold Sherwood


I brake for pink elephants.
~ Al K. Holic


Fu#k everything east of Lincoln Boulevard!
~ Eric
(a regular at ‘The Cinema’ cocktail lounge
on Sepulveda Blvd. in Culver City, California)


Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future.
~ Criswell
(from the movie “Plan 9 From Outer Space”)


You see? You see? Your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!
~ Eros
(from the movie “Plan 9 From Outer Space”)


Don't look like no Boogaloo to me.
~ Don King
(from the 'Moonlighting' episode "Symphony In Knocked Flat")


An incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months or years. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer.
~ Evelle Younger


Play the game and knock off the bullsh#t.
~ Max Taber
(from the movie "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest")


The mental defective league in formation.
~ R. P. McMurphy
-ibid.


Irishmen have a keen sense of tragedy to sustain them in times of joy.
~ Anonymous


My biggest dream:
To become so wealthy
that I can afford to get drunk
in an airport bar!
~ Trummy Tewksbury


Love your work - gotta lose ya.
~ every Director in Hollywood


Flying in!
~ said often by many folks on movie sets
[This is insider Hollywood lingo meaning "I hear you calling for me and I'm coming quickly!"]


You just gotta know how to lay it on them dudes, man.
~ Cheech Marin
(from "Pedro And Man At The Drive-In")


What's the hassle, man? Are you giving us a hassle, man?
~ Tommy Chong
-ibid.


Chong: Hey, we did it, man!
Cheech: Man, we were so slick, man!
-ibid.


Oh, wow, man, you drive just like Steve McQueen!
~ Tommy Chong
-ibid.


No, no, it wasn’t a snowmobile. It was a sled – you know, one of those big sleds, you know? And he used to have it pulled by some reindeers – you know, like reindeers? … And then when they flyed across the sky, they used to come down to places like, oh, Chicago, L.A., Nueva York, and Pacoima and all those places, you know? And then land on top of people’s roofs. And then ol’ Santa Claus would make himself real small - you know, like a real small guy? And he’d come down the chimney and then he would give you all of the stuff that he made, man. And dig this, man, he did it all in one night, man.
~ Cheech Marin
(from “Santa Claus And His Old Lady”)


Tell them you heard it here first on Roller Derby.
~ Cheech Y Chong


If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding.
How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?

~ Roger Waters
(from the Pink Floyd song “Another Brick In The Wall – Part 2”)


I never drank to forget nor forgot to drink.
~ Trummy Tewksbury


The devil's best trick is to persuade you that he doesn't exist!
~ Charles Pierre Baudelaire


For me, “Home” is where I hang my . . . enemies.
~ Mr. Intense


I always feel wealthy when I possess one dollar more than I can drink.
~ Trummy Tewksbury


"Compromise" is always just a slippery slope to where you don't wanna go.
~ Louie Banana



We’ll wait for ya, baby!
~ Slimy, Used Car Salesman-like Guy
(from the movie “It’s A Wonderful Life”)


Behind every ugly man there's an inflatable woman.
~ Louie Banana


Ninety percent of the game is half mental.

Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.

We were overwhelming underdogs.

It’s déjà vu all over again.

If people don’t want to come to the ballpark, how are you going to stop them?

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

We’re lost, but we’re making good time!

I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4.

It gets late early out there.

Pair up in threes.

Never answer an anonymous letter.

You can observe a lot by watching.

You’ve got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going ‘cause you might not get there!

The future ain’t what it used to be.

It ain’t over ‘til it’s over!

~ Yogi Berra


When asked if he wanted his pizza cut into four or eight slices, Yogi Berra replied:
“Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.”

Yogi Berra’s son, Larry, called out, “Dad, the guy is here for the venetian blinds.” Yogi replied, “Look in my pants pocket and give him five bucks.”


I would say I wouldn’t know, but I would say the reason why they’d want it passed is to keep baseball going as the highest paid ball sport that has gone into baseball and from the baseball angle. I’m not gonna speak of any other sport. I’m not here to argue about other sports - I’m in the baseball business. It’s been run cleaner than any paid ball business that was ever put out in the hundred years at the present time.
~ Casey Stengel
(July 8, 1958 Senate Anti-Trust and Monopoly Subcommittee Hearing, taken from a Prudential Insurance radio advertisement)


Uhp! Yer an idiot.
or
Uhp! I’m an idiot.
~ The League Of Soul Crusaders (the entire bunch of us)


Well, you got it all wrong: Muddy Waters invented 'lectricity!
~ Willie Brown
(from the movie "Crossroads")


I got thirteen channels of sh#t on the T.V. to choose from.
~ Roger Waters
(from the Pink Floyd song “Nobody Home”)
[*Note: Of course, nowadays, we've got about 500 channels of that stuff to choose from. ~STMcC]


They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program.
~ George W. Bush
[*Note: The non-brain-havin’ motherf#cker! ]

They have miscalculated me as a leader.
~ G. W. Bush


They misunderestimated me.
~ G. W. Bush


Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
~ G. W. Bush


These terrorist acts and, you know, the responses have got to end in order for us to get the framework - the groundwork - not framework, the groundwork to discuss a framework for peace, to lay the - all right.
~ G. W. Bush


For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three nonfatal shootings. And folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it.
~ G. W. Bush


There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again.
~ G. W. Bush


It depends on what the meaning of the word “is” is.
~ Bill Clinton


Sometimes it doesn’t matter that you have the better product, if your competitors have better salesmen.
~ Thomas Sowell


This is not it. They changed it. Somehow they changed it.
~ Stanley
(from the movie "The Deer Hunter")


This is this! This ain't something else. This is this! From now on, you're on your own.
~ Michael
-ibid.


Watch that your karma doesn't run over your dogma!
~ Anonymous (The ancient Greek philosopher)


I thought we were losing to international Communism because of incompetence and stupidity on the part of our planners. I mentioned that to [Secretary of Defense, James] Forrestal. I shall forever remember his answer. He said, "McCarthy, consistency has never been a mark of stupidity. If they were merely stupid they would occasionally make a mistake in our favor."
~ Wisconsin Senator, Joseph McCarthy


I do not think we need fear too much about the Communists dropping atomic bombs on Washington. They would kill too many of their friends that way.
~ Wisconsin Senator, Joseph McCarthy


Lawyer Joseph Welch: The oath included a promise, a solemn promise by you to tell the truth, comma, the whole truth, comma, and nothing but the truth. Is that correct, sir?
Senator Joe McCarthy: Mr. Welch, you are not the first individual that tried to get me to betray the confidence and give out the names of my informants. You will be no more successful than those who have tried in the past, period.


Undoutedly the most common challenge made in any critique of Joe McCarthy is: Name one Communist (or Soviet agent) ever identified by him in his sensational speeches and investigations. That challenge has been posed for fifty years and more – always on the premise that nobody could come up with even one such person. … Can we in fact name one certifiable Communist McCarthy ever came up with in all his speeches and contentious hearings? The answer is that it’s indeed hard to cite one such person – just as it’s hard to eat one potato chip or salted peanut. Once the process starts, the temptation is to keep going…
~ M. Stanton Evans

(from his book "Blacklisted By History")


Changing political parties obviously won't change anything. Only changing political direction will change anything! When will people understand they’re the same party? Socialist extreme and Socialist light. Do you want filtered or non-filtered cigarettes, sir? Either way they’re both going to kill you...
~ Marc “Anti-Microchip” White


What America has most to fear is not the Communists either at home or abroad, but our own good-hearted, well-meaning fellow citizens of the liberal persuasion, whose unintended effect has been to sap the survival powers of free societies everywhere.
~ William Rusher


Darwinism still hasn't developed a leg to stand on.
~ Louie Banana



You lie like a bad toupee!
~ Trummy Tewksbury



And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.
~ The 56 Founding Fathers who signed the Declaration of Independence


Good intention will always be pleaded for every assumption of power. ... It is hardly too strong to say that the Constitution was made to guard the people against the dangers of good intentions.
~ Daniel Webster


Human beings will generally exercise power when they can get it, and they will exercise it most undoubtedly in popular governments under pretense of public safety.
~ Daniel Webster


They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.
~ Benjamin Franklin


What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance? Let them take arms. ... The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
~ Thomas Jefferson


On every question of construction [of the Constitution], let us carry ourselves back to the time when the Constitution was adopted, recollect the spirit manifested in the debates, and instead of trying what meaning may be squeezed out of the text, or invented against it, conform to the probable one in which it was passed.
~ Thomas Jefferson
(letter to Judge William Johnson, June 12, 1823)


Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.
~ Thomas Jefferson
(from 'The Declaration Of Independence')


The Supreme Court has made its decision, now let it enforce it.
~ attributed to President Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson


I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death!
~ Patrick Henry


In this present crisis, government is not the solution to our problem, government IS the problem. . . . The most exciting revolution ever known to humankind began with three simple words: ‘We the People’, the revolutionary notion that the people grant government its rights, and not the other way around.
~ Ronald Reagan


As nations cannot be rewarded or punished in the next world, so they must be in this. By an inevitable chain of causes and effects, Providence punishes national sins by national calamities.
~ George “Father of the Bill Of Rights” Mason


If God doesn’t judge America, He will have to apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah.
~ Billy Graham


Don’t feel sorry for us. At least we are constantly reminded that we are in a spiritual war. We know for whom we are fighting. We know who the enemy is. And we are fighting. Perhaps we should pray for you Christians outside of China. In your leisure, in your affluence, in your freedom, sometimes you no longer realize that you are in spiritual warfare.
~ Zhao Xia
(from the book "Jesus Freaks; Vol. 2")


In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
~ George Orwell


I know you’re working for the C.I.A.
They wouldn’t have you in the MAF-I-A

~ from the song “Why Can’t We Be Friends?” by WAR


Liberals viewed Gorbachev as a 'reformer' because he was the first Soviet leader whose wife weighed less than he did.
~ Ann Coulter
(from her book "Treason")


Liberals think they can defeat the truth with loudness.
~ Ann Coulter
-ibid.


They're terrible people, liberals...This can really summarize it all - these are people who believe you can deliver a baby entirely except for the head, puncture the skull, suck the brains out and PRONOUNCE THAT A CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT HAS JUST BEEN EXERCISED. That really says it all. You don't want such people to like you!
~ Ann Coulter; Time magazine (2005, April 25.)


The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return.

~ Eden Ahbez
(from the song “Nature Boy”)


There is no way to peace. Peace is the way.
~ Religious Society Of Friends
(slogan for the 2005 Philadelphia Yearly Meeting)


Originality is the key to success.
~ Tiny Tim (Herbert Khaury)


Don't be discouraged. Tiny Tim made it.
~ Tiny Tim


Most of all, I'd love to see Christ come back to crush the spirit of hate and make men put down their guns. I'd also like just one more hit single.
~ Tiny Tim
(Playboy magazine interview; June, 1970)


Time you enjoyed wasting . . . was not wasted.
~ Anonymous


You know the gig.
~ Kelly (“Andy”) Anderson


I’ve been a wild-catter and a go-go getter
Been an S.O.B. right down to the letter
I’ve had misadventures, I’ve even got pictures
Of even more than I can stand.
...
I've got a woman who's good enough to give me
A second chance again.

~ Waylon Jennings
(from the song “Her Man” written by Kent Robbins)


Sometimes I feel very sad;
I guess I just wasn't made for these times.

~ Brian Wilson


Nonconformists are easy to spot because they all look alike.
~ Anonymous


May our tolerance of diversity empower our nonjudgmental, nonmeanspirited multiculturalism. Can't we all just get along, give peace a change, and vote for "Chance"?
~ Stephen T. McCarthy (Hey, that's ME!)

Continued HERE...
.

FAVORITE JOKES 'N' QUOTES 'N' STUFFS [Part 2 Of 2]

.
[From the STMcC archive: 2006, February]

QUOTES 'N' STUFFS (Continued...)

It is the nature of the human being to love self-indulgence: ease, comfort, riches, intemperance, gluttony, indolence, and sensuality. These operate in our consciousness as a sense of separation from God. It is not actually separation from God, because we can no more be separated from God than a gold ring can be separated from the gold of which it is formed. Gold is the ring; gold constitutes the ring. There is no possible way to remove the gold from the ring without destroying the ring, because there is not gold and a ring; there is only a gold ring.

So it is with us. We cannot be separated from God, because there is no we. Actually, there is no such thing in all the world as you or me as individuals standing alone. God being infinite, God is all there is. God constitutes you and me; God constitutes our life, mind, soul, and being, just as gold constitutes the ring. Gold is the substance; the ring is the form. God is the substance; the individual is the form as which God appears. God is the essence of our being – the life, soul, mind, spirit, law, continuity, and activity. God is the all and all of individual being, whether of saint or sinner. The degree of sainthood expressed by an individual is wholly dependent upon the degree of conscious realization of oneness with the Father. The capacity for sin in an individual is dependent upon the degree of his sense of separation from God. As a matter of fact, this sense of separation is all there is to humanhood.

We are not human beings as we seem to be; we are pure spiritual being. It is not that there are two separate beings, the human being and the spiritual being; it is only that a human being is entertaining a sense of separation from God. We cannot be separated from God, but we can entertain a sense of separation from God. The moment that sense of separation begins to disappear, Christhood or Divine sonship is revealed. The return of the prodigal takes place wholly within one’s self as an activity of consciousness, and the moment one sets his feet in the direction of the Father’s house, he has entered the spiritual path.

Let no one take credit for being on the spiritual path. Were it not for the grace of God, one would not be reaching out toward the realization of his Divine sonship. In the experience of every person, there comes a certain moment when he is penetrated by a ray of God, when a touch of God breaks through into his consciousness, not because of himself, but in spite of himself. From the moment that ray touches him, the end is inevitable: he will find his way right to the throne of God.

~ Joel S. Goldsmith
[*Note: The paragraphs above, from a book by Joel Goldsmith, greatly enhanced my spiritual understanding in 1994.]


I was strongly influenced early on by Joel Goldsmith and I guess I'm sort of a “Bad Christian Meets A Christian Science Laboratory Explosion.”
~ Stephen T. McCarthy


“Every generation of Americans needs to know that freedom exists not to do what you like, but having the right to do what you ought!”

“The only thing lacking in you is that you don’t want to be Holy.”

“Set yourselves apart from this corrupt generation, my Brothers and Sisters. You weren’t made to fit in. You were born to stand out!”
~ Jim Caviezel



On to the theater!
~ Honest John
(from the Disney movie "Pinocchio")


No one [political] party can fool all of the people all of the time. That’s why we have two parties.
~ Bob Hope



My favorite beer is...
always the one I had just before I had the one that was one too many.
~ Al K. Holic
 



Expensive beer and cheap women – that’s for me!
~ Trummy Tewksbury




“Stonewall” Jackson: Tell me, Colonel Stuart, do you use tobacco?
J.E.B. Stuart: No, sir, not in any form.
Jackson: Nether do I.  I find I like it too much.
(from the movie “Gods And Generals” – 2003)




GUILTY! Thank you. That is all.
~ The Judge
(from "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride" at Disneyland)




But I tried, didn’t I? …Damn it! At least I did that.
~ R. P. McMurphy
(from the movie "One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest")


It is natural to man to indulge in the illusions of hope. We are apt to shut our eyes against a painful truth ... For my part, whatever anguish of spirit it may cost, I am willing to know the whole truth; to know the worst and to provide for it.
~ Patrick Henry


That shit could really happen!
~ 'Sneakin' In The Movies' reviewer
(from the movie "Hollywood Shuffle")


I don't know - I guess maybe it’s just the booze or something.
~ Terry “The Toad” Fields
(from the movie “American Graffiti”)


Yeah, well, I guess they do those things.
~ Mr. Carter
(the bank examiner in the movie "It's A Wonderful Life")


Really? Worst film you ever saw? Well, my next one will be better.
~ Ed Wood
(from the movie of the same name. “When it came to making bad movies, Ed Wood was the best.”)


I had to show him a lesson.
~ Oscar De La Hoya
(after knocking out Fernando “Steroids” Vargas)


Everyone is normal until you get to know them.
~ Dave Sim


I would describe her as a very proper Jewish intellectual, who suddenly decided to take up gun collecting and NASCAR recently. I was told she no longer is that into shooting on the weekends and devotes her spare time to following Jimmie Johnson on Twitter. Apparently guns were the gateway drug leading to the true hillbilly heroin of NASCAR racing.
~ The Flying Aardvark
(speaking of an old friend of hers whom she seldom gets to see)


They are who we thought they were!
~ Dennis Green


If you don't think that's funny, you'd better not go to college.
~ Jo Van Fleet
(from the movie "East Of Eden")


It was presumptuous of me to think it would be I.
~ Raymond Massey
(from the movie "East Of Eden")


There are only two kinds of people in the world.
I don’t like either of them.
~ Miss Ann Thrope


LOVE IS: when I refrain from killing someone I'd love to kill.
~ Mr. Intense


Alright, m-m-m-ove along now. Th-th-there's nothing left to see here. That's all folks. Hmmm... I like the sound of that... Th-th-th-that's all, folks!
~ Porky Pig
(from the movie "Who Framed Roger Rabbit")


Sorta makes you want to treat me with more respect, doesn't it?
~ Pigpen


All I want is what I have coming to me; All I want is my fair share.
~ Sally Brown


Outta the way, Ragamuffin!
~ A Roman Centurion


Our baby's the best baby of them all.
~ Dingle Kringle


Ooh, I've been bamboozled!
~ Burgermeister Meisterburger


Duyp-duyp-duyp-duyp. ...Nuthin'!
~ Yukon Cornelius


Great bouncing icebergs!
~ Yukon Cornelius


Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?
~ Gary Coleman


Throughout his career, Csonka played fullback like a horse ploughs a field: doggedly, with a high pain threshold and with great determination.
~ John Doremus



Sometimes it's hard to live like I was raised,
Trying to survive these modern days the old-fashioned way.
~ Ol' Waylon
(from the song “Where Do We Go From Here?” written by Waylon and R. Murrah)


I don't explain if you don't understand.
~ Waylon
(from the song “Trouble Man” written by Ol’ Waylon and T.J. White)


Alright, let's get on it.
~ Howlin' Wolf
(from his song "The Red Rooster")


Let’s get ON this thing!
~ “Lonesome Dogg” McMe
[Inspired by Lightnin’ Hopkins’ “Step ON this thing!”]



Forgiveness? Uh, yeah, well, I think it's certainly a viable option... if you've run out of ammo and still haven't managed to hit your target.
~ Mr. Intense


There's a sadness in the heart of things.
~ Warren Zevon
(from his song “The Heartache”)


Ought to hang my picture in the all-time Losers' Hall of Fame.
~ Warren Zevon
(from his song "Bad Karma")
[*Note: Put it on my Tombstone!]


Some have the speed and the right combinations
If you can’t take the punches, it don’t mean a thing.
~ Warren Zevon
(from his song “Boom Boom Mancini”)


It ain't that pretty at all.
~ Warren Zevon
(from his song “Ain’t That Pretty At All”)

[*Note: My friend Pooh and I got a lot of mileage out of that particular line in the early 1980s. Here are a few examples of how we’d employ it:

“You hungover?”
“Yeah… and it ain’t that pretty at all.”
. . .

“How was your date last night?”
“Well, she wasn't that pretty at all.”
. . .

“Did you pick up your paycheck?”
“I did. And it ain’t that pretty at all.”
. . .

Pooh and I even went to see Zevon perform live once at a small theatre in Los Angeles. But Zevon don’t perform live anymore ‘cause he’s dead.]



We drank.
We drank a lot.
We drank more than we did not.
~ General Poohregard


He's not our breed!
~ Pooh


Sorry for making you all koyaanisqatsi and all.
~ Pooh


I remember you from last night.
~ Bucket Of Blood Saloon bartender
(speaking to Pooh on the morning after the night before)


There is no one in this world who hates anything more than I hate "this world".
~ Mr. Intense


You non-money-havin' motherf#cker!
~ Wino Woman on Venice Beach to her Wino Boyfriend


I'll get you, you Conway Twitty-actin' sonofabitch!
~ George Jones
(while heavily intoxicated and after being tied down by Waylon Jennings)


If you’re only going to have one beer, you might as well make it six Mickey’s Big Mouths.
~ Moody McMe


I was falling-down liquored-up.
~ Trummy Tewksbury


You ol' bilge rat!
~ Pipps Terwilliger


That's nothing that a little Grand Marnier wouldn't fix.
~ Chix O'Tipplin


You know what Merle Haggard says: "F#ck 'em!"
...
Drive fast, take chances.
~ Kelly "Andy" Anderson



All the salty margaritas in Los Angeles,
I'm gonna drink 'em up.
~ Warren Zevon
(from his song "Desperados Under The Eaves")


Oh yeah, life goes on
Long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
~ John Cougar Mellencamp
(from his song "Jack And Diane")


Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan "press on" has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.
~ Calvin Coolidge
(Floyd, this is what Calvin Coolidge said.)


Now, ah’m not sayin’ it was yer people but . . . I’d appreciate it.
~ A Security Guard in North Hollywood


If I exorcise my devils
my angels may leave, too.
~ Tom Waits
(from his song "Please Call Me, Baby")


All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
~ attributed to Arthur Schopenhauer


A new idea is first condemned as ridiculous, and then dismissed as trivial, until finally, it becomes what everybody knows.
~ William James


You lie!
~ Congressman Joe Wilson


Our motto is: Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happy Hour.
~ Captain Benjamin Pierce


Women!
~ Medford Evans


Women! Can't live WITH them, can't live with them!
~ Torch
(An old friend of mine.)


Who was Joe McCarthy?
He led the Fight for America. He lost. Which means that you and I lost.
~ Medford Evans


Nothing is more germane to the decline of the American Republic in the second half of the Twentieth Century than the ease with which a Joe Welch could hoodwink so many of the American public.
~ Medford Evans


Many if not all of those who destroyed McCarthy knew that he was a good man. Indeed, that was the reason why he was destroyed - he was too fearless to be intimidated, too innocent to be corrupted, too charismatically gifted to be ignored.
~ Medford Evans


The restoration of McCarthy … is a necessary part of the restoration of America, for if we have not the national character to repent of the injustice we did him, nor … the intelligence to see that he was right, then it seems unlikely that we can or ought to survive.
~ Medford Evans


Liberals characteristically label things the opposite of what they are.
~ Medford Evans


The great commandments of Communism are: Thou shalt hate God, and thy neighbor as thyself.
~ Medford Evans


Commies make pretty pathetic warriors. In fact, when it came to being warriors, communists were more like "agrarian reformers".
~ Stephen T. McCarthy


Oh, guess the storm was too much for them.
~ Charlie-In-The-Box


Oh, another tumbleweed asking me for help.
~ Wylie Burp
(from the movie “An American Tail: Fievel Goes West”)


Time flies when you're having rum.
~ Anonymous


Allah's Unholy Trousers!
~ Mr. Intense


Someone has stolen my country and I want her back! The thieves have been actively carrying out an agenda that is remaking my country into a liberal, leftist, globalist, communist, socialist, fascist, new age, atheist, anarchist, baby-killing, pornographic, sex-confused, drug-demented, covenant-breaking, and completely un-American something else.
~ Garrett Lear, ‘The Patriot Pastor’


Here it is noon already and I haven’t even been
drunk once yet today.
~ Brother Napoleon


In the home of the brave
Jefferson’s turnin’ over in his grave
~ Bob Dylan
(from his song “Slow Train”)


God don't make promises that He don't keep.
. . .
Counterfeit philosophies have polluted all of your thoughts
Karl Marx has got ya by the throat
And Henry Kissinger’s got you tied up in knots.
When you gonna wake up?
. . .
Adulterers in churches and pornography in the schools
You got gangsters in power and lawbreakers making rules
When you gonna wake up?
~ Bob Dylan
(from his song "When You Gonna Wake Up?")


They say I shot a man named Gray
and took his wife to Italy
She inherited a million bucks
and when she died it came to me.
I can’t help it if I’m lucky
~ Bob Dylan
(from his song “Idiot Wind”)


I've said it before and I'll likely say it again; this ain't "Inherit the Wind".
~ Anniee McPhee


70X7, if there's ever any need for it.
~ Anniee McPhee
[See Matthew 18:21 & 22]


If two people agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary.
~ Anonymous via Saint Anniee


There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, “Thy will be done”, and those to whom God says, in the end, “Thy will be done”. All that are in Hell, choose it. Without that self-choice there could be no Hell. No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will ever miss it. Those who seek find. To those who knock it is opened.
~ C.S. Lewis
(from his book “The Great Divorce”)




The very act of prayer honors God and gives glory to God, for it confesses that God is what He is.
~ Charles Kingsley
(from June 5th of 'The Promises Of God' daily calendar) 


Somebody's coming who don't need your vote
Gonna rattle your cage and rock your boat
Somebody's coming like a thief in the night
Gonna stand by His people when we're too weak to fight
~ Todd Snider
(from his song “Somebody’s Coming”)


If you pray from your heart, there will be return mail. I've seen that happen to me.
~ Glen Campbell


It was you, Charley.
~ Marlon Brando
(from the movie “On The Waterfront”)


Sometimes my evil alter ego escapes and wreaks havoc until I am able to coax it back in with promises of whipped cream and dirty women.
~ Louie Banana


Why don’t you just be YOU so someone else doesn’t have to?
~ Louie Banana


Well, I try my best to be just like I am
But everybody wants you to be just like them.
~ Bob Dylan
(from his song “Maggie’s Farm”)


It is not he or she or them or it that you belong to.
~ Bob Dylan
(from his song “It’s Alright, Ma, I’m Only Bleeding”)


An infallible sign of [Senator Joseph] McCarthy’s ire was when he addressed the witness as “Mister” – as in, “Mister, we’re going to repeat the queston until we get an answer.”
~ M. Stanton Evans
(from his book “Blacklisted By History”)


You're OUTTA HERE!
~ Wally George


You can't pray a lie - I found that out.
~ Huck Finn
(from the book “The Adventures Of Huckleberry Finn”;
chapter 31)


I have talent on loan from God.
~ Rush Limbaugh


The foremost issue of our time is to restore Constitutional government.
. . .
It’s the Constitution, stupid.
. . .
If you are going to maintain a large national security state, there must be a threat to justify its continued existence. … For the security state to continue, there must sometimes be large terrorist acts in the U.S. The last thing the national security state wants is peace and no enemies.
. . .
Amazingly, Clinton said . . . “You cannot be a patriot and despise your government.” He would probably consider the Founders dangerous radicals.
. . .
In 1857 Frederick Douglass warned: “Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will . . . Find out just what people will submit to and you have found out the exact amount of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them. These will continue until they are resisted with either words or blows, or with both. The limits of tyrants are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they oppress.”
. . .
The response of the Washington crowd is to call protesters racists and paranoid, passing more laws to take away more rights. Criticism of the government is called criticism of the nation.
~ Gurudas (real name: Ronald Lee Garman)


Our forefathers would think it's time for a revolution. This is why they revolted in the first place. ... They revolted against much more mild oppression.
~ Congressman Ron Paul
(commenting on HR-3162, The USA/PATRIOT Act)


Members and front organizations must continually embarrass, discredit and degrade our critics. … When obstructionists become too irritating, label them as fascist or Nazi or anti-Semitic. … Constantly associate those who oppose us with those names that already have a bad smell. The association will, after enough repetition, become “fact” in the public mind.
~ A 1943 Communist Party Directive
(as quoted by the 1956 Report of the House Committee on Un-American Activities; volume 1, page 347)


Mom would say things like, "There's a path the Lord wants you to go on, and if you fall off, he will rub your nose in it, and then you'll know what's wrong with that situation, and he'll try to help fix it."
~ Jane Russell


Absinthe makes the liver grow harder.
~ Louie Banana


It is well to remember that evil is a pretty bad thing!
~ The 1960s Batman


I’m an actor… follow me!
~ Ty Lookwell


It's life, and life only.
~ Bob Dylan
(from his song “It's Alright, Ma, I'm Only Bleeding”)


I said, "You know, they refused Jesus, too."
He said, "You're not Him!"
~ Bob Dylan
(from his song "Bob Dylan's 115th Dream")
[*Note: Ha! Talk about someone missing the point!]


He not busy being born
Is busy dying.
~ Bob Dylan
(from his song “It’s Alright, Ma, I’m Only Bleeding”)



People are crazy and times are strange
I'm locked in tight, I'm out of range
I used to care
But things have changed
~ Bob Dylan
(from his song “Things Have Changed”)



Music is spirit that becomes flesh when it's vocalized. ... What can you say about a melody, except that you worship the air it vibrates in?
~ Paul Williams
(from his book "Brian Wilson & The Beach Boys: How Deep Is The Ocean?")



You can't reason with a person who forms their beliefs without reasoning.
~ Yoey O’Dogherty
Doggtor Of Debate


William Holden was what men were back when men were men.
~ Trummy Tewksbury



He doesn't know it's a damn show. He thinks it's a damn fight.
~ Apollo Creed's trainer
(from the 1976 movie "Rocky")


I am afraid Americans have lost their manhood and their valor. Oh, here and there there are still some signs of it, but we are getting womanish. The small comforts and cozinesses of life are now beginning to be of the utmost importance to us, and the little amusements. ... Men have forgot how to be brave, stern, masters of their government, their families, and their lives. ... Now men want safety and happiness.
~ Taylor Caldwell
(from her book “Ceremony Of The Innocent”)


Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!
~ The Wizard of Oz


Put 'em up! Put 'em up! Which one of ya first? I'll fight ya both together, if you want. I'll fight ya with one paw tied behind my back! I'll fight ya standing on one foot! I'll fight ya with my eyes closed! Oh, pullin' an axe on me, eh? Sneakin' up on me, eh? Why...
~ The Cowardly Lion
(from the movie "The Wizard Of Oz")


Black-and-white cat, black-and-white cake!
~ Mrs. Clark from 4a
(from the movie "The Sentinel")


Badges? We ain't got no badges. We don't need no badges. I don't have to show you any stinking badges!
~ Alfonso Bedoya
(from the movie "The Treasure Of The Sierra Madre")


So, is somebody going to go to bed with somebody, or what?
~ "Nuke" LaLoosh
(from the movie "Bull Durham")


I believe there ought to be a Constitutional amendment outlawing AstroTurf and the Designated Hitter.
~ "Crash" Davis
(from the movie "Bull Durham")


Mister, I've been in a really bad mood for the last few years, so I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave me alone.
~ Wyatt Earp
(from the movie "Wyatt Earp")


I would rather KNOW an unpleasant truth than BELIEVE a pleasant lie.
~ "Lonesome Dogg" McMe


When a person finds a shtick that works for them, they shtick with it.
~ “Lonesome Dogg” McMe


Incongrutiating:
Listening to Michael Medved while reading THE CREATURE FROM JEKYLL ISLAND.

Incongrutiating:
Watching ESPN while snacking in a La-Z-Boy chair.

Hyperincongrutiating:

Reading Chomsky while listening to the Star-Spangled Banner.

Nonincongrutiating (synonymous with Congrutiating):

Listening to U2 while reading The Struggles of Northern Ireland.
Listening to Pete Seeger while reading Chomsky (I think my head would explode!!).
Listening to "Born to Run" or "Eye of the Tiger" while watching Marcus Allen reverse field in the Super Bowl.
~ A-DogG


Told my girl I'll have to forget her
Rather buy me a new carburetor
~ Queen
(from the song “I’m In Love With My Car”)


Hokey-Smoke!
~ Rocket J. Squirrel


Hoo-Wee!
~ Deputy Dawg


Whoop!-Whoop!
~ Waylon Jennings


Woke up with my shoes on
Couldn’t find my pants or my knees
Coffee’s gone
And my aspirin is just nowhere to be seen.
One warm beer in the fridge now
Warm because that bill’s overdue
I’ve lived through mornings like this before
Guess I’ll live through this one too.
...
I don't think about money
'Cause it depresses me when I do
I don't think about women
I'm just takin' lumps for hard nights, rhythm and blues
~ Rock 'N' Roll Johnny
(from his song “Hard Nights.”)


Life is too long to take sh#t from people!
~ Louie Banana


Since I gave up hope
I feel much better.
~ Anonymous


Well, a man’s gotta do SOMETHING to keep warm.
~ the Drunken Santa Claus
(from the movie “Miracle On 34th Street”)



I won’t be wronged, I won’t be insulted, and I won’t be laid a hand on. I don’t do these things to other people and I require the same from them.
~ J. B. Books
(from the movie “The Shootist”)


When policemen break the law then there isn’t any law... just a fight for survival.
~ Billy Jack
(from the movie… uh… Hmmm. I forget.)


Tell them it's going to be a new place. It's going to be a nice place to live. I'm the new judge. There's going to be law, there's going to be order, progress, civilization, and peace. Above all, peace. And I don't care who I have to kill to get it.
~ Paul Newman
(from the movie "The Life And Times Of Judge Roy Bean")


I'm so pissed off at the American people; I'm so pissed off at this government because of this cover-up!
~ Bob McIlvaine
(from the movie "9/11: Press For Truth")


Uncle Sam's "official" 9/11 story is so full of holes it's useful only as a colander.
~ Louie Banana


You can sell almost any form of tyranny to the American public as long as you wrap a flag around it, sing "Yankee Doodle" and "God Bless America", and call it patriotism.
~ Jack Kenny


Why of course the people don't want war. Why should some poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the best he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one piece? Naturally the common people don't want war: neither in Russia, nor in England, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.
~ Hermann Goering


Never trust anyone over the age of nine.
~ Louie Banana


Even the losers get lucky sometimes
.~ Tom Petty
(from his song “Even The Losers”)


Now I wonder if dreams are just dreams.
~ Tom Petty
(from his song “Letting You Go”)


Most things I worry about never happen anyway.
~ Tom Petty
(from his song “Crawling Back To You”)


Everybody's waiting on something that hasn't come yet.
~ Tom Petty
(from his song "You Can Still Change Your Mind")


You know L.A. Habra be jammin'!
~ Some Unknown Illiterate Woman
(at a battle-of-the-bands competition in Los Angeles)


Everything I've ever really needed to know,
I've found in one Waylon Jennings song or another.
~ Professor Yoey O'Dogherty


I don’t always knock the ball over the fence.
~ Hank Williams Jr.
(from his song “Won’t It Be Nice”)


Ten o'clock - that's when the monsters come out!
~ Bill Cosby

OK . . . Don't lie . . . Anymore.
~ Bill Cosby


Oh, no. Uh-uh. ... Not me. Not old Carol.
~ Carol
(from the movie "American Graffiti")


Yeah. For me it was.
~ Pop
(from the movie "The Longest Yard" - 1974)


You must get your living by loving.
~ Henry David Thoreau
(from "Life Without Principle")



There have been some very, very intellectual people that have gone around saying God is dead. Well, He’s not dead, because I talked to Him this morning.
~ Mahalia Jackson
(from the book ‘Just Mahalia, Baby’) 



Dare to be a Daniel;
Dare to stand alone;
Dare to have a purpose firm,
And dare to make it known.
~ Anonymous


The Bible, the supreme spiritual textbook of life, is above all creeds, dogmas, and differences in religious beliefs. It is written to meet the needs of both the wise and the simple. There are surface truths, and wisdom that is veiled. There is guidance to the spiritual life in its pages for every degree of understanding. As consciousness unfolds, its revelations multiply. It is indeed the Wonder Book of all time. The deepest wisdom contained in the Bible is accessible only to those who have attained a personal first-hand knowledge of the Spiritual world and the fundamental laws operative in it.
~ Corinne Heline.
[*Note: Although I would disagree with Heline about many things, I concur with her assessment of The Bible.]


The grandest illusion of all: fear - False Evidence Appearing Real.
~ Michael C. Ruppert
(from his book "Crossing The Rubicon")


We have fallen asleep in God's embrace,
having a nightmare that we are elsewhere.
~ Stephen T. McCarthy (Doh! Sorry, it's me again.)


As a dog returns to his own vomit,
so a fool repeats his folly.
~ Proverbs 26:11
(from "The Holy Bible")


For I was ashamed to ask of the king a band of soldiers, an army and horsemen to help us against the enemy on the way, because we had spoken to the king, saying, "The Hand of our God is with all of those who seek Him for good; but His Power and His Wrath are against all who forsake Him." So we fasted and besought our God for this; and He hearkened to us.
~ Ezra 8:22 & 23
(from "The Holy Bible")



God is love.
~ 1st John 4:8 & 16
-ibid.


Blind guides, who strain out a gnat and swallow a camel!
~ Jesus
(Matthew 23:24)


Fear not, only believe.
. . .
Therefore, I say to you, anything you pray for and ask, believe that you will receive it, and it will be done for you.
. . .
Jesus said to them, "Do you believe that I can do this?" They said to him, "Yes, our Lord." Then He touched their eyes and said, "Let it be to you according to your faith." And immediately their eyes were opened...
. . .
And He [Jesus] could not perform even a single miracle there, except that He laid his hand on a few sick people and healed them. And He wondered at their lack of faith.
~ Jesus
(Mark 5:36; Mark 11:24; Matthew 9:28-30; Mark 6:5,6)


What do you have that you did not receive? Now if you did indeed receive it, why do you glory as if you had not received it?
~ Saint Paul
(1 Corinthians 4:7)


And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
~ Jesus
(John 8:32)


Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine...
~ Jesus
(Matthew 7:6)


A prophet is not without honor except in his own country, among his own relatives, and in his own house.
~ Jesus
(Mark 6:4)


It is written...
~ Jesus
(Matthew 4:4,7,10; Mt. 11:10; Mt. 21:13, et al.)


The Kingdom of Heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it.
~ Jesus
(Matthew 13:45,46)


Seek first the Kingdom of God ...
The Kingdom of God is within you.

~ Jesus
(Matthew 6:33; Luke 17:21)


Well, I hope the jokes tickled you pink
and the quotes made you think.


Return to Part 1 by clicking HERE...

~ Stephen T. McCarthy.

.