DOGGTOR GUY'S PRESCRIPTION FOR PAIN RELIEF

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But my point is that, if there is a guy in your life, and you want him to get decent medical care, you cannot rely on him or Hillary Clinton to be responsible for it. You have to use a technique that was perfected by wildlife officials for use with bears and rhinoceroses, namely: tranquilizer darts. This is the only way you can be sure of getting a guy to a medical care facility in a timely manner if he has, for example, injured himself during a touch-football game, and you have pointed out that there are bones sticking from his body, plus some aortal bleeding, but he is claiming that this condition will probably go away on its own.

In this case you should fire a dart or two into his body, let him stagger around for a few more plays until he collapses, then strap him to the trunk of the car and take him to the hospital. And when you get him there, be sure to tell the doctors that, in addition to his obvious injuries . . . he has been complaining about his prostate. He deserves it.

~ ‘DAVE BARRY’S COMPLETE GUIDE TO GUYS:
A Fairly Short Book’

‘Dave Barry’s Complete Guide To Guys’ is also a fairly funny book. It was given to me by my dear friend the Flying Aardvark. She knows a “guy” when she corresponds with one.

So, there I am at work last night when suddenly I feel this rather intense pain in the left kidney area. It hurts like hell, but then subsides after about 20 minutes. I get off work and drive home and it starts hurting like that place again.

I brush my teeth, take my melatonin, say my prayer, slide into bed, hoping to fall asleep quickly and wake up pain free in the morning. Well, I fell asleep alright, but woke up again in about 20 minutes with the return of great pain in the kidney area. No position I put myself into would alleviate the pain.

I fall asleep again, I wake up again, again in pain. So now I’m wondering if I have a kidney stone. I’ve heard about those things and this seems to have similar symptoms. Those symptoms being 1) that it hurts like hell, and 2) in the kidney area.

So I get up and tell my brother Nappy about it. No, I didn’t wake him up. After all, it was already 3:30 AM and he was about to start his workout program. Nappy suggests I go to the hospital. Make no mistake about it, one guy WILL suggest to another guy that he should go see a doctor, knowing full well that he himself would NEVER do that under similar circumstances.

Rather than the hospital, I opt for the heating pad. I put it on my back, but 15 minutes is about all I can stand of that. Then I go back to my bedroom to lie DOWN, and ten minutes later I throw UP. Well, there goes the Ben & Jerry’s Key Lime Ice Cream I had earlier that night. Damn! And that’s not cheap stuffs either!

I go back to bed, ah, to sleep, perchance to puke. I could have phoned my old football and wrestling coaches, but I know that they’d just tell me to take two shots of tequila and call them in the morning. And I’d rather take twelve shots of tequila and shut my cell phone off!

In the morning, I call my sister Bonehead (I’ve always called her Bonehead) and I ask her what it felt like to have kidney stones those four times when she did. Hmmm… that’s interesting: she said, 1) it hurt like hell, and 2) in the kidney area.

Well, naturally, she’s certain I need to see my doctor, and offers to drive me there. Instead, I opt for “borrowing” some of her leftover prescription medication. She gives me a plastic bag containing Vicodin and Soma. Her note says: “Vicodin is a painkiller – take one every 6 hours. Soma is a muscle relaxer – take one 3 times a day. Don’t take both together . . . one or the other.” So naturally, I take two of each with one swig of cranberry juice. [My motto has always been: “If you’re only going to have one beer, you might as well make it six Mickey’s malt liquors.”] Cranberry juice just in case it IS kidney stones, which I’m sure it isn’t.

You see, it occurs to me that this pain in the kidney area began about an hour after I cracked the vertebrae in my back at work last night. I was sitting in my chair finishing off the book ‘HOW AN ECONOMY GROWS AND WHY IT CRASHES’ by Peter Schiff (a great book, by the way), when I twisted my torso from side to side to crack my back. Nothing new about this - heck, I crack EVERYTHING: back, knuckles, ankles, knees, elbows, neck, eyelids – you name it, I crack it. Well, except for THOSE. I never crack THOSE! Ouch! It hurts just to think about that. They HAVE been cracked before, not by me, but by an accidental knee.

However, when I cracked my back last night, I did notice a slight twinge and thought to myself: 'Whoa! I think I went a bit too far this time.' So, is it just a coincidence that an hour later I had “kidney stones”? I’m thinkin’ I just badly pulled or strained a muscle in my back near the kidney area.

But nuttin’ to worry ‘bout, folks; I’m a “guy”, I’ll bounce back in no time.

I just sprayed a little Windex on it
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and covered it with Duct Tape.
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I’ll be fine.

"Doctors? I don't need no doctors! I don't have to go to any stinkin' doctors!"

~ Stephen T. McCarthy

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