M IS FOR "MAD DOG" & "McDONALD'S"

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“Removes embarrassing stains from contour sheets,
That's right
And it entertains visiting relatives.
It turns a sandwich into a banquet . . .”

GOOD STUFFS
M IS FOR “MAD DOG” :
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You dig old stuffs? OK. Here’s another one of my poems. It’ll be 30 years old this November.

THE MAD DOG

Like the soft blanket over a sleeping child
Night falls upon the city
And as shadows waver in the moonlight
Silence goes screaming down the street
The mad dog steps from a darkened corridor
His eyes shine white and burning in the black
For on this night the mad dog
Won’t be running with the pack

In the darkness he goes searching
For answers to questions often asked
And reaches for the many things
He has heard but never seen
His mind bursting from the inside
With thoughts of something precious and unknown
Crying in the evening mist
When the mad dog is alone

Ribs poking at his flesh
Like a washboard trying to bust through
Muscles pulling with the motion
Of a wild animal’s escape
Thriving when the moon appears
By gnawing on the night
In the coolness of the evening air
The mad dog readies for the fight

With hungry teeth of passion
He thrashes at his foes
With a face so tense and claws so sharp
The barriers shrink from sight
Victorious now, he licks his wounds
From where life’s liquid bled
And don’t you know the mad dog?
He’s alive and living in my head

BAD STUFFS
M IS FOR “McDONALD’S” :
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When journalist Yoey O’Dogherty interviewed me recently for the online magazine WHAZIT2U?, he asked, “Who is your favorite writer?” to which I replied, “I’ll have to mention two: Mark Twain and Henry David Thoreau. Twain makes me laugh and think. Thoreau makes me think and think.”

If you are not much familiar with Thoreau then you aren’t going to appreciate what follows. But if you do understand Thoreau’s world-view, you may find this as hysterically funny as I did.

Back in 2005, I came across a review at the Amazon.com website written by a high school student for the book ‘Walden And Other Writings’ by Henry David Thoreau. I sort of reviewed her review. Below is an abbreviated copy:

FIVE STARS FOR THE GIRL IN WYOMING!
I have no intention of reviewing the writings of Thoreau. The way I figure it is this: If you don't "get it" (and the world around us clearly testifies that few do), I'm not about to explain it. Besides, several other reviewers here have already done a very admirable job of excavating and cataloging the rich treasures that constitute the thoughts of Concord's timeless, self-professed "mystic, Transcendentalist, and natural philosopher."

I happened upon the review by the young lady from Rock Springs, Wyoming. Back in the year 2000, she gave 'WALDEN AND OTHER WRITINGS' one Star; titled her review 'DUMB!'; stated that she "hated this book entirely"; and called for the start of an "anti-Thoreau campaign for students."

But it was her opening sentence that literally caused me to burst out laughing. Unquestionably and by a good margin, this is the funniest thing that I've ever encountered on the Amazon website. It provided me with the best laugh I have had in some time.

If you don't appreciate the writings of Henry David Thoreau, then surely you will not appreciate the irony of her statement, but for those of us whose lives have been enriched by the New England SAUNTERER and NONCONFORMIST, this is just too "delicious!" Our Wyoming friend began her diatribe on Thoreau with this classic sentence:

"I have to make this short since I will be going out with my boyfriend for a 4:00 date at McDonald's."

Ah-Ha!-Ha! Hokey-Smoke and Hoo-Wee! Think about it. Think about the things that Thoreau stood for. Then ask yourself, what would be the best modern symbol you could come up with to represent the antithesis of Thoreau’s philosophy? It has got to be McDonald’s: prefabricated, standardized plastic food served quickly to plastic people in a hurry! Everything Thoreau was fighting against! Ha! Is it any wonder “Wyomingirl” detested ‘Walden’?

At the conclusion of my review, I lampooned that world-famous passage in the second chapter of ‘Walden’, updating it for "Wyomingirl" and everyone else with Twenty-First Century sensibilities:

"I went to the fast food establishment because I wished to eat inexpensively, to acquire only the essential promotional toys of a Happy Meal, and see if I could not keep down what they had to serve, and not when I came to die, discover that I had not removed the plastic wrap... I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of Chicken McNuggets... to forgo the hot dog in favor of a Quarter Pound of greasy, round-molded meat and to put to rout all that was not delivered in under 60 seconds."
~ Henry David Thoreau
'WALDEN' (21st Century edition); chapter II

In case you’re interested, here is a copy of “Wyomingirl’s” short, original review - unedited:

Dumb!
I have to make this short, sincee I will be going out with my boyfriend for a 4:00 date at McDonald's. Anyway, before my boyfriend drags me out of here, I will just say I hated this book entirely!!!! We should start an anti-Thoreau campaign for teh students, who are, unfortunately, being forced to read this thing for the finals. Ok, i gotta go, continue the struggle.

Le McQuotes Du Jour:
I never write "metropolis" for seven cents because I can get the same price for "city." I never write "policeman" because I can get the same money for "cop."
~ Missouri’s Immortal, MARK TWAIN

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority,
it is time to reform.
~ My Man, MARK (again)

~ Stephen T. McCarthy
Doggtor of Semiliterate, Half-Naked Blogological Studies
Stream O’Consciousness University in Menachembeginville, Morocco

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YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.
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