Wednesday, April 14, 2010


“Please allow thirty days for delivery,
Don't be fooled by cheap imitations
You can live in it, live in it, laugh in it, love in it
Swim in it, sleep in it
Live in it, swim in it, laugh in it, love in it . . .”


This was perhaps the first “poem” I wrote as an adult; I was 18 or 19. Unlike “Imagine Jean”, it’s a love poem without any kind of twist or surprise ending – a straightforward, “prostituteless” love poem. This was my first time, and I’m still nervous, so please be gentle.


It is a dark Summer evening
The sky is black but alive
Bursting with stars
And moonlight

We sit side by side on the beach
Feet buried deep into soft sand
And with our eyes fixed on the water
We speak in quiet tones

An orchestra of waves thunder to shore
Only to slip silently back again
Running through us is the pulse of the ocean
We are so alone

The wind becomes sharp
And you begin to shiver
I slip out of my jacket
And drape it across your shoulders

I hold your hand
We kiss
And with my jacket, you are warm
I would be cold

Except I love you

[If that was really, really bad, I sincerely, sincerely apologize. I honestly can’t tell and I fear that I may have done an embarrassing thing by posting this. Uhp! I’m an idiot?]


Originally it was going to be “L Is For Liposuction.” I was going to go on a (hopefully) humorous rant about how a liposuction procedure is probably the most unmanly thing a dude could do and how no “Real Man” would ever consider it. How a Real Man would stop eating like a pig and start a workout program if he wanted to lose weight; maybe pump some iron, exercise his legs by chasing women, you know, stuffs like that. I was going to call Kenny “Liposuction” Rogers a big ol’ wuss. I intended to tell y’all how many sleepless nights I’ve spent pondering what is the most unmanly place in the world (San Francisco, California? Boston, Massachusetts? The entire state of Vermont?)

Finally, I was going to relate to you how this Brazilian man where I work— er, that is, how this Brazilian “fella” where I work says that in his homeland, liposuction centers are as plentiful as fast food restaurants are here in the U.S., and how lots of women (himself included) AND men regularly undergo liposuction procedures. I was going to conclude, based on this sorry, embarrassing admission, that Rio de Janeiro is probably the most unmanly place in the world.

However, I’m not going to tell you any of that because something happened yesterday (Day-K) which I would rather write about.

One young female blogger titled yesterday’s Blog Bit “K Is For Kick-Ass”. I visited and read. According to her, everything was “Kick-Ass” because at the moment life is good for her. I’m not going to embarrass this girl by providing her name and a link to her Blog. There’s probably an unwritten rule here in Blogland that goes, “Thou shalt not publicly humiliate your fellow bloggers.” Although Waylon Jennings was right when he sang, “I learnt you can't go nowhere when you go by the book”, this one time, I’m going to go by the book solely because, at heart, I really am a nice guy and an easy dog to hunt with. So I’ll withhold this gal’s identity. I’ll call her “Harriet Potter” because, like so many other chicks her age, I’m sure she hopes to be the next J.K. Rowlin’.

A bunch of Harriet’s “Followers” had left nice, cheerful, patty-cake comments for her. Things like, “Kick-Ass! What a great word!”; “Yeah, I’m with you on that kick-ass business”; “You go, girl!” etc. “Yada! – Blah! – Yada! – Blah! – Yada! Yada! – Blah! Blah!” As I read the sweet comments I could feel myself getting a toothache.

I decided it was time for someone to play the part of Contrarian, and me being me, I volunteered for the job. So, I facetiously posted a comment saying something like: “Harriet~ I don’t think you should use the word ‘ass’ – it’s not very nice.”

A person with even the slightest sense of humor should have recognized that statement as likely a jocular remark. Anyone with a modicum of imagination, a pinch of playfulness or a dash of daring would have responded with . . . something. She could have visited my own Blog and, seeing my occasional use of mild profanity, replied, “I’ll stop using ass when you stop using bullsh#t.” Or, she could have simply invented some reasonably witty remark like, “It's my party and I'll kick ass if I want to” or “Why don’t you make like a tourist and get lost?!” You know . . . SOMETHING! Even if she mistakenly took my comment seriously, she could have at least shown a little feistiness, a little spunk, a little pluck, a little kick-assness, and said, “Go suck eggs, Stephen!” But none of that is what happened.

When I returned a few hours later, expecting that maybe we would be able to develop this into a fun little exchange, what I found was . . . nothing. There was no trace of my comment. So, I left a follow-up comment saying, “Hey! Harriet~ Where did my comment go? You're not gonna tell me that you deleted it, are you?”

And to that she responded, “Yes I did Stephen I didn't find it necessary for this post.”

I could have come back with, “Did you delete your punctuation, too?” but I’m too polite for that.

Anyway, I just want to say that sometimes I find Blogland just way too sugary, syrupy sweet for my tastes. And I think it’s pretty sad when a wannabe writer resorts to censorship rather than an attempt at linguistic fencing when she mistakenly thinks that someone is spoiling for a fight. Sheesh! If you can’t even spit, you ought to remove the word “kick-ass” from your vocabulary.

Now don’t misunderstand me – I wish Harriet Potter all the luck in the world with her writing career; I sincerely hope that all her dreams come true. But, if she’s so hypersensitive that she can’t even bear a laughably tame rebuke like “I don’t think you should use the word ‘ass’ – it’s not very nice”, she’s going to have one hell of a time dealing with the inevitable manuscript rejection notices that every beginning writer receives.
Oh well.

Good luck to you, Harriet. Here’s hoping you grow some thicker skin, write well, and find success!

[Photograph of my plumber
kicking ass under my kitchen sink.]

Le McQuote Du Jour:
I’m an actor… follow me!
~ Ty Lookwell

~ Stephen T. McCarthy
Doggtor of Semiliterate, Half-Naked Blogological Studies
Stream O’Consciousness University in Lardassburg, Luxembourg

Letter Links:
ABC - DE - FG - HIJK -

YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.



Loved the poem thought it was excellent who said it wasn't?
I had to giggle at the kicking ass write. Don't ask me why, but I have a weird sense of humour as you will find out in a future poem
I really enjoyed your "L" blog and look forward to "M".

Take care.

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

Thanks, YVONNE ~
Well, nobody SAID the poem stinks. I'm just thinking... well, I don't know about it. I can't tell about some of my so-called poetry.

If anything I write makes you giggle, then yes, you have a weird sense of humor.

I gotta run right now (food & work) but I'll get back to YOUR Blog again tomorrow, Dear.

~ "Lonesome Dogg" Stephen

Bud Ezekiel H. said... SSSSTo the word, that's really mild in comparison to what the "ladies" in Vermont use in their daily language. i worked for Vermont Apple and i gotta tell you...those women that worked there were absolutely gross in their daily conversations....

they embarrassed me. maybe that's why Vermont is such an unmanly state to you is because there they've traded places:)

ModernDayDrifter said...

That poem wasn't horrible at all. I love the description of the waves and being together. Don't be hard on yourself... it was really good :)

Lisa said...

Hi Stephen,
I agree with Yvonne - nice poem. I'm not going to get all syrupy sweet so I'll say it's not as good as some of the others. And not just because it doesn't rhyme. :)

I happened upon that exchange yesterday and was kind of curious as to what your remark was, but didn't think I'd actually get the answer today on your blog. WOW. And that's all I'm saying about that.

I personally think you are hilarious and very smart. You probably got your GED, huh? ;)

The only thing I don't like is that picture of your plumber under the sink. He needs to pull his pants up.


arlee bird said...

Good -- you know, I really liked the poem-- it was mature beyond that age as compared to most guys that age. It was quite sensitive. I really did like it.

Bad -- Crap, now I've gotta search thru 80 blogs to figure out what you're talking about. You want me to come kick your ass or sumpin.
The blogworld does get a little syrupy sweet sometimes doesn't it. But that's kind of nice I guess. But on the other hand I like it when some atheist female lawyer gives me hell-- though actually she was pretty nice too. Why doesn't anybody really kick ass on these blogs.

By the way-- see my Thursday 4/15 post for an announcement about May 3. Then we're gonna start thinking about those 15 desert island discs -- I've started already.

Blogging From A to Z April Challenge

The Alliterative Allomorph said...

hehehe. This post kicks ass! Whoo Hoo! Stephen, I think you're an 'ass' hole. ;) hehehehe - hmm do I need to clarify that I'm joking here? Oops sorry, you're not Harriet.

Your poem was very sweet and simple. Shows how kind hearted you are (deep down) ... :)

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

>>maybe that's why Vermont is such an unmanly state to you is because there they've traded places<<
Yeah, maybe. But, ya know, Brother, that seems to have happened all over the country in recent decades.

Hmmm... Yeah? Mmmm... Well, OK. Thanks! ...Yeah? ...Mmmaybe. I dunno.

>>I'll say it's not as good as some of the others. And not just because it doesn't rhyme.<<
Whaddaya mean it's not as good as some of the others? That's the BEST poem I ever wrote! What the heck's wrong with you?!?!

>>I personally think you are hilarious and very smart. You probably got your GED, huh?<<
Uhm... I don't know. Is that like a BMW? If so, no, I never got one. Tried stealing one once. ...Cost me 10 years.

>>The only thing I don't like is that picture of your plumber under the sink. He needs to pull his pants up.<<
AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH! I'd speak to him about it but I'm afraid he'd get offended. And I can't afford to lose him - he's such a good plumber!

rLEE-b ~
Well, thank you, because I REALLY wasn't sure about the poem. Some stuffs I've written is difficult for me to evaluate and that poem was a good example of that.

>>Why doesn't anybody really kick ass on these blogs.<<
Yeah. Ya know, it ain't nuttin' like was. I was debating with idjits on that site damn near every day. Man, did I ever do a lot of ass-kicking there. But here, everyone seems so sih-sih-sih-civilized.

>>Stephen, I think you're an 'ass' hole.<<
That's not very "nice".

>>Shows how kind hearted you are (deep down)<<
Shhhhh! Sheesh! Whadaya tryin' to do? Ruin my reputation?!

~ "Lonesome Dogg" McMe

Shannon said...

You did a great job on the poem...very nice! You are a funny guy Stephen, Thanks for sharing and making me laugh at your quirkyness! So Funny!

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

No need to thank me as my bill is in the mail. (Please send money orders or cash only; I don't accept personal checks.)

OK, seriously...
No, I thank YOU!

~ "Lonesome Dogg" McQuirky

DiscConnected said...

I'll say it if no one else will!

Go suck eggs, Stephen!

Happy Blogworld just got a dark side, huh?

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

Say, that wasn't very nice!


~ "Lonesome Dogg" McMeboy