L IS FOR "LOVE AGAINST THE COLD" & "KICKING ASS"

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“Please allow thirty days for delivery,
Don't be fooled by cheap imitations
You can live in it, live in it, laugh in it, love in it
Swim in it, sleep in it
Live in it, swim in it, laugh in it, love in it . . .”

GOOD STUFFS
L IS FOR “LOVE AGAINST THE COLD” :

This was perhaps the first “poem” I wrote as an adult; I was 18 or 19. Unlike “Imagine Jean”, it’s a love poem without any kind of twist or surprise ending – a straightforward, “prostituteless” love poem. This was my first time, and I’m still nervous, so please be gentle.
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LOVE AGAINST THE COLD

It is a dark Summer evening
The sky is black but alive
Bursting with stars
And moonlight

We sit side by side on the beach
Feet buried deep into soft sand
And with our eyes fixed on the water
We speak in quiet tones

An orchestra of waves thunder to shore
Only to slip silently back again
Running through us is the pulse of the ocean
We are so alone

The wind becomes sharp
And you begin to shiver
I slip out of my jacket
And drape it across your shoulders

I hold your hand
We kiss
And with my jacket, you are warm
I would be cold

Except I love you

[If that was really, really bad, I sincerely, sincerely apologize. I honestly can’t tell and I fear that I may have done an embarrassing thing by posting this. Uhp! I’m an idiot?]

BAD STUFFS
L IS FOR “KICKING ASS” :

Originally it was going to be “L Is For Liposuction.” I was going to go on a (hopefully) humorous rant about how a liposuction procedure is probably the most unmanly thing a dude could do and how no “Real Man” would ever consider it. How a Real Man would stop eating like a pig and start a workout program if he wanted to lose weight; maybe pump some iron, exercise his legs by chasing women, you know, stuffs like that. I was going to call Kenny “Liposuction” Rogers a big ol’ wuss. I intended to tell y’all how many sleepless nights I’ve spent pondering what is the most unmanly place in the world (San Francisco, California? Boston, Massachusetts? The entire state of Vermont?)

Finally, I was going to relate to you how this Brazilian man where I work— er, that is, how this Brazilian “fella” where I work says that in his homeland, liposuction centers are as plentiful as fast food restaurants are here in the U.S., and how lots of women (himself included) AND men regularly undergo liposuction procedures. I was going to conclude, based on this sorry, embarrassing admission, that Rio de Janeiro is probably the most unmanly place in the world.

However, I’m not going to tell you any of that because something happened yesterday (Day-K) which I would rather write about.

One young female blogger titled yesterday’s Blog Bit “K Is For Kick-Ass”. I visited and read. According to her, everything was “Kick-Ass” because at the moment life is good for her. I’m not going to embarrass this girl by providing her name and a link to her Blog. There’s probably an unwritten rule here in Blogland that goes, “Thou shalt not publicly humiliate your fellow bloggers.” Although Waylon Jennings was right when he sang, “I learnt you can't go nowhere when you go by the book”, this one time, I’m going to go by the book solely because, at heart, I really am a nice guy and an easy dog to hunt with. So I’ll withhold this gal’s identity. I’ll call her “Harriet Potter” because, like so many other chicks her age, I’m sure she hopes to be the next J.K. Rowlin’.

A bunch of Harriet’s “Followers” had left nice, cheerful, patty-cake comments for her. Things like, “Kick-Ass! What a great word!”; “Yeah, I’m with you on that kick-ass business”; “You go, girl!” etc. “Yada! – Blah! – Yada! – Blah! – Yada! Yada! – Blah! Blah!” As I read the sweet comments I could feel myself getting a toothache.

I decided it was time for someone to play the part of Contrarian, and me being me, I volunteered for the job. So, I facetiously posted a comment saying something like: “Harriet~ I don’t think you should use the word ‘ass’ – it’s not very nice.”

A person with even the slightest sense of humor should have recognized that statement as likely a jocular remark. Anyone with a modicum of imagination, a pinch of playfulness or a dash of daring would have responded with . . . something. She could have visited my own Blog and, seeing my occasional use of mild profanity, replied, “I’ll stop using ass when you stop using bullsh#t.” Or, she could have simply invented some reasonably witty remark like, “It's my party and I'll kick ass if I want to” or “Why don’t you make like a tourist and get lost?!” You know . . . SOMETHING! Even if she mistakenly took my comment seriously, she could have at least shown a little feistiness, a little spunk, a little pluck, a little kick-assness, and said, “Go suck eggs, Stephen!” But none of that is what happened.

When I returned a few hours later, expecting that maybe we would be able to develop this into a fun little exchange, what I found was . . . nothing. There was no trace of my comment. So, I left a follow-up comment saying, “Hey! Harriet~ Where did my comment go? You're not gonna tell me that you deleted it, are you?”

And to that she responded, “Yes I did Stephen I didn't find it necessary for this post.”

I could have come back with, “Did you delete your punctuation, too?” but I’m too polite for that.

Anyway, I just want to say that sometimes I find Blogland just way too sugary, syrupy sweet for my tastes. And I think it’s pretty sad when a wannabe writer resorts to censorship rather than an attempt at linguistic fencing when she mistakenly thinks that someone is spoiling for a fight. Sheesh! If you can’t even spit, you ought to remove the word “kick-ass” from your vocabulary.

Now don’t misunderstand me – I wish Harriet Potter all the luck in the world with her writing career; I sincerely hope that all her dreams come true. But, if she’s so hypersensitive that she can’t even bear a laughably tame rebuke like “I don’t think you should use the word ‘ass’ – it’s not very nice”, she’s going to have one hell of a time dealing with the inevitable manuscript rejection notices that every beginning writer receives.
Oh well.

Good luck to you, Harriet. Here’s hoping you grow some thicker skin, write well, and find success!
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[Photograph of my plumber
kicking ass under my kitchen sink.]

Le McQuote Du Jour:
I’m an actor… follow me!
~ Ty Lookwell

~ Stephen T. McCarthy
Doggtor of Semiliterate, Half-Naked Blogological Studies
Stream O’Consciousness University in Lardassburg, Luxembourg

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