MENSA-DONKEY 101

[*From the STMcC Archive: 2007, Oct.]

Welcome to Mensa-donkey 101, or “So You Want To Be A Smart-Azz.” (Pay attention because there WILL be a test.)

For a few years now, I have used the expression “A Mensa-donkey In Phoenix, Airheadzona” in conjunction with my pseudonym. It seems that this has led to some confusion, with some individuals assuming that I am a member of Mensa. Truth is, I occasionally coin my own words and phrases. For example, “Liquidated” means Dead Drunk. Regarding the local football team, I have said that “The Arizona Cardinals are so bad that they couldn’t even beat the Arizona Cardinals.” (Feel free to borrow the phrase whenever your own sports team is stinking up your taxpayer-funded stadium.)

Thinking that he was putting me in my (egotistical) place, a Liberal once left this remark for me in the Comment section of one of my Amazon.com reviews: “Sorry but I'll never be as dumb as you need me to be. I'm MENSA too but I don't put it at the end of my Amazon moniker.”

Being a proud non-Mensa smart-azz, I responded with this: “Mensa-donkey is my own euphemism for Smart-a##, and I would have expected a Mensa member to ‘get it’ without explanation. I wouldn't know whether or not I qualify for membership because I've never felt a need to have my intelligence evaluated and verified by some preening, egotistical, eggheaded organization.”

You don’t tug on Superman’s cape; you don’t spit into the wind; you don’t pull the mask off the ol’ Lone Ranger; and you don’t mess around with a Mensa-donkey Master.

The idea that anyone would mistake me for a Mensa member is pretty laughable: I was a straight “C” student in high school… although I WAS above average in athletics and in girl-watching at the beach during periods 2, 3, and 4 (I always returned to school after lunch because in my 5th period Public Speaking class I sat next to Jean Gonzalez - a seriously hot babe! Yow!) And I undoubtedly have the lowest SAT scores ever recorded this side of the Special Olympics. (I used to answer the first 5 to 7 questions properly, but then I’d get bored and rebellious and start turning my answer page into pictures: “Let’s see… I’ll make section 2 a Peace Sign, and section 3 a big star, and section 4 will be a Colt .45.” That wouldn’t go over so well today because they now frown on guns in school, even if the gun doesn’t shoot lead but is merely comprised of No. 2 pencil lead on an SAT answer sheet.)

I have no idea what my I.Q. is because I’ve never had it tested; I don’t really believe in the accuracy of I.Q. tests (and that alone probably makes me some kind of a genius).

I don’t know if there are any advantages to being a Mensa member, but I know that there are advantages to being an effective smart-azz. For one thing, people who are aware of your style and smart-azz aptitude don’t mess with you much. A very funny friend of mine recently said to me that he thinks I “sort of do debate martial arts, catching [an opponent’s] line and using it against him in improved form.” (A great compliment which I value more than I would the phony back-patting from 100 card-carrying Mensa eggheads.)

Another surprising benefit of advanced Mensa-donkey martial arts is that it dissuades friends from E-mailing you those silly questionnaires that are supposed to test your personality, or loyalty, or attractiveness to the opposite sex. (You know what I’m talking about here… those quizzes that you never received prior to the invention of E-mail - back when people had to address an envelope and put a first-class stamp on it.)

There are a couple of basic ideas to keep in mind if you want to sharpen your own Mensa-donkey skills and eventually earn your Black Belt:

#1) The acronym N.A.S.A. stands for National Aeronautics and Space Administration, but some observers commenting on that famous spaced-out organization’s notorious tendency to obfuscate issues and evade straightforward questions have charged that the acronym really stands for “Never A Straight Answer.” This is a truly essential acronym for Mensa-donkeys to remember also, as it goes right to the heart of being a smart-azz. Always think NASA: Never A Straight Answer. Nothing infuriates a person like getting twisted responses to basic questions. Someone has asked you a very upfront, forthright question and is expecting a direct and valid answer in response? Never give them a straight answer; take their question and TWIST IT!

#2) Consider words and how they can be wielded. Many words (and phrases) have multiple meanings, or can be given new interpretations with just a little bend - and this can be an effective weapon when an opponent’s own “wordsword” can be bent backwards and used to disembowel him or her. (Ain’t that a cool word? Wordsword: it’s the word “word” twice with the bent letter “s” in the middle. I dunno, I guess I’m just easily entertained.) Example: When a Liberal said to me, “You're quite full of yourself, aren't you?” I answered his question with, “I would much rather be full of myself than be full of what you are!” Word starts with “W”, and so does “Weapon.” Coincidence? I don’t think so! Always ask yourself: “How can I use his words against him?” And then DO IT!

#3) Alliteration. Is this just a natural God-given gift? Whether or not alliteration can actually be taught and mastered as other skills can be is still a hotly contested point in Mensa-donkey dojos the world over, but the bottom line is this: Alliteration is an effective device which strikes hard and makes a blow more memorable. The “Morning After Alliteration Sting” (MAAS) has been recognized and hailed as the premier "junkyard dog bite" of Mensa-donkeyness by the Master smart-azzes throughout history. If you’ve got the gift, USE IT!

Are you ready to test your new Mensa-donkey skills? Sometime back I received one of those silly E-mail questionnaires from a friend with too much time on his hands. Well, I applied my Master Mensa-donkey techniques in answering it, and then returned it as requested. Needless to say, my friend hasn’t sent me an E-mail quiz since, and that’s a good thing. (He’s still a friend, and that’s a good thing, too.)

Following are the same 49 questions that my Buddy sent to me. Get your old No. 2 pencil and a piece of paper, and answer them, keeping in mind the Mensa-donkey principles we discussed earlier. After completing the test, check your answers against mine (below) and see how you compare to a certified Master in Mensa-donkey martial arts.

1. Full name?
2. Were you named after anyone?
3. Do you wish on stars?
4. When did you last cry?
5. Do you like your handwriting?
6. What is your favorite lunch meat?
7. How many kids?
8. Names and ages of kids?
9. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
10. Do you have a journal?
11. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
12. Would you bungee jump?
13. What is your favorite cereal?
14. Do you think you are strong emotionally and physically?
15. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
16. Shoe size?
17. Red or Pink?
18. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
19. Who do you miss most?
20. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back?
21. What color pants and shoes are you wearing?
22. Last thing you ate?
23. What are you listening to right now?
24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
25. Favorite smells?
26. Last person you talked to on the phone?
27. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
28. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
29. Favorite Drink?
30. Favorite Sport to watch?
31. Hair Color?
32. Eye Color?
33. Do you wear contacts?
34. Favorite food?
35. Scary movie or Happy ending?
36. Last Movie you watched?
37. Favorite Day of the Year?
38. Summer or Winter?
39. Who do you hate in life?
40. Favorite Dessert?
41. Who is most likely to respond?
42. Least likely to respond?
43. What books are you reading?
44. What's on your mouse pad?
45. What did you watch last night on TV?
46. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
47. What's the furthest you've been from home?
48. Do you have a special talent?
49 Favorite Quote?

Now compare your answers to the answers I gave to the same questions:

1. Full name?
Stephen T. McCarthy
2. Were you named after anyone?
No, I was the first born of my siblings.
3. Do you wish on stars?
I wished on Susan Dey once, but she never showed up.
4. When did you last cry?
This afternoon while slicing onions for my Limburger cheese sandwich.
5. Do you like your handwriting?
I'd rather it was lifting a bottle of Budweiser to my lips.
6. What is your favorite lunch meat?
Does Spam count as meat?
7. How many kids?
No more than two, and only if properly cooked.
8. Names and ages of kids?
Oh, I don't care about that as long as they're not underdone.
9. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
I don't know. Which other person?
10. Do you have a journal?
I forget; let me consult my diary and find out.
11. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
A lot? No, I use it exclusively.
12. Would you bungee jump?
Bungee jumping is for wimps who play it safe; I ride a motorcycle!
13. What is your favorite cereal?
Budweiser.
14. Do you think you are strong emotionally and physically?
Call me a name and see if I don't kick your a**!
15. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Can I have a slice of pie instead?
16. Shoe size?
Which foot?
17. Red or Pink?
If it's all the same to you, I'd prefer a Chablis.
18. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
Well, some people say that I tend to repeat myself. I don't really believe that, but that's what they say, that I tend to repeat myself.
19. Who do you miss most?
The cat; it's pretty quick.
20. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back?
If I wanted it back, why would I have sent it in the first place?
21. What color pants and shoes are you wearing?
Shoes again? You have a shoe fetish, don't you? You really should see someone about that.
22. Last thing you ate?
A Limburger and onion sandwich.
23. What are you listening to right now?
The hum of my computer and the clicking of my keyboard.
24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Color me sad.
25. Favorite smells?
I don't know Favorite. Does he?
26. Last person you talked to on the phone?
The secretary of my girlfriend's ex-husband's lawyer.
27. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
The size of her… bank account.
28. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
If he's buying the next round I do.
29. Favorite Drink?
A case of Budweiser.
30. Favorite Sport to watch?
Horse racing when my long shot comes into the homestretch with a 15 length lead.
31. Hair Color?
Hair?
32. Eye Color?
Kind of a bloodshot.
33. Do you wear contacts?
No, I usually write or call them.
34. Favorite food?
Budweiser.
35. Scary movie or Happy ending?
What does Happy's ending look like?
36. Last Movie you watched?
The Last Picture Show.
37. Favorite Day of the Year?
Payday.
38. Summer or Winter?
Why are Fall and Spring being ignored? What do you have against Fall and Spring?
39. Who do you hate in life?
No one; they're all dead now.
40. Favorite Dessert?
Budweiser.
41. Who is most likely to respond?
The one who most needs to get a life. (That appears to be me.)
42. Least likely to respond?
Susan Dey
43. What books are you reading?
Thought you'd catch me with a trick question, eh? I'm not reading books... I'm reading an E-mail questionnaire.
44. What's on your mouse pad?
A roof?
[*Note: Whereas “My Mouse” would be a fine answer worthy of any self-professed Mensa-donkey, a real Master such as myself, gives not only the unexpected answer but also reinterprets the word “pad”, too. The technical term for this advanced technique is “Double Whammy.”]
45. What did you watch last night on TV?
The screen.
46. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
The Beach Boys.
47. What's the furthest you've been from home?
You mean today? Fry's market.
48. Do you have a special talent?
Is this a family questionnaire?
49. Favorite Quote?
"The King Of Beers."
Wait a minute here! Where's question #50? Who the hell sends a questionnaire with 49 questions on it? That's like rapping out "Shave And A Haircut" but failing to knock "Two Bits!" I just knew I shouldn't have gotten mixed up in this!

Grasshopper, now that you are graduating toward a Black Belt in the art of Mensa-donkey, let me give you just a couple more pointers to help send you on your way:

*When performing debate martial arts against a Liberal’s Socialistic bovine excrement, always remember to direct your laser-guided verbal barbs at the Liberal’s bleeding heart; never succumb to the temptation to go for the head shot, thinking to obliterate the Lib’s brain - this military tactic just assumes way too much.

*Remember the important acronym NASA: Never A Straight Answer.

*But most of all, don’t ever forget that possessing Mensa-donkey skills is a tremendous responsibility. Never take that responsibility lightly! Don’t be an evil smart-azz (a demon); always be a Mensa-donkey for good (an angel). The demons may get the girls, but the angels get the... The angels get the… Hmmm… Well, hell! Look, just be a “good” Mensa-donkey, will ya? After all, when axed about it, Lizzie Borden said, “Goodness is its own reward.”

~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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