CARDINALS QUARTERBACK STILL MISSING; LEINART SLATED TO START SUPER BOWL

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CARDINALS QUARTERBACK STILL MISSING; LEINART SLATED TO START SUPER BOWL

By Stephen T. McCarthy
THE DAILY DISAPPOINTMENT

PHOENIX –- Arizona Cardinals star quarterback Kurt Warner remains missing Friday, and the football team’s head coach, Ken Whisenhunt, announced that he intends to start backup quarterback Matt Leinart in the February 1st Super Bowl. “Believe me, nobody wants to find Warner more than I do. But unless he turns up before Super Bowl Sunday, I don’t see where I have any other options open to me. Matt is our guy,” Whisenhunt said.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio stated that his department is scouring the state. “If Kurt’s out there, we’ll eventually locate him. We’ll get him dead or alive,” Arpaio promised. Although the authorities have not ruled out the possibility of foul play, “[Matt] Leinart has been cleared of any suspicion,” said Arpaio.

Warner, a Christian, was reported missing last Tuesday, along with a few of his Cardinal teammates and seemingly millions of people worldwide. University of Phoenix professor of Religious Studies Abraham Isaacson speculates that the sudden disappearance of so many people may have a religious explanation. “The rapture is an occurrence that many believe is implied by certain passages in the Bible,” Isaacson said. “It is thought by some that God will remove his chosen individuals from this world just prior to the battle of Armageddon, described in the Bible’s final installment, the book of Revelation. Some of my colleagues believe that the Cardinals playing in the Super Bowl is a sign that the end of the world is imminent, and the sudden mass disappearance of individuals across the planet just adds a little fuel to that speculation,” said Isaacson.

Psychologist Susan Sikosiz discounts such explanations. She said, “Anytime you have people enduring a societal crisis, such as today’s poor global economic condition, and simultaneously what some people construe to be an unusual event occurring, such as the improbability of a team like the Arizona Cardinals making it to the Super Bowl, certain personality types are likely to jump to exaggerated conclusions; inclined to attribute some factors to supernatural phenomena.” Referring to the sudden disappearance of perhaps millions of people around the globe, Sikosiz said, “Statistically, this is insignificant.”

Roswell, New Mexico, farmer Mack McBrazil offers yet another explanation. McBrazil said, “Stuffs like this doesn’t just happen.” According to federal authorities, McBrazil has stated, “I went out to milk my cows on Tuesday, when I noticed all sorts of strange debris scattered across my ranch. While I was studying this odd metal that seemed to be from out of this world, a strange saucer-shaped craft suddenly hovered over me, and then a beam of light transported me up into the ship. There I saw Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner, along with thousands of other people being held in a state of suspended animation.” However, “McBrazil has failed a polygraph test,” Sheriff Arpaio pointed out. McBrazil is writing a book about the experience he claims to have had, and it is rumored that both Oprah Winfrey and Shirley MacLaine are interested in playing the part of Mack McBrazil in any future film treatment of the soon-to-be published book.

Meanwhile, noted football analyst and self-professed Christian Deion Sanders is distraught. Sanders, nicknamed “Prime Time”, has quit his television job and abandoned his family. In an exclusive interview with Yoey O’Dogherty (the nom de plume of columnist Bill DeQuill who writes for FallingStars.org), Sanders’ cousin, Neon Lett, said, “Cousin Deion is certain that the Holy Bible’s promised rapture has happened and that God has left him behind. He is very angry.” Lett continued to say, “The last time I saw cousin Deion, he was hanging out on benches with the winos in Artemis Park, guzzling Thunderbird and cursing God. His thirteen thousand dollar suit was ripped and stained. Prime Time is a mess. It’s really sad.”

Cardinals fans, conditioned by disappointment over the course of many decades as the National Football Conference’s doormat, seem to be taking the disappearance of their first-string quarterback in stride. “Certainly we want Kurt back for the big game,” said longtime Cardinals fan Ralph Twelfpac, “But Kurt or no Kurt, the show must go on. Go Cardinals! Shock the world!”

So far, there have been no disappearances reported amongst the Pittsburgh Steelers, the American Football Conference team that will face the 7-point underdog Cardinals in Super Bowl XLIII. “The Steelers will be at full strength,” said star receiver Hines Ward, “and we don’t want to hear no excuses from the Cardinals.”

Matt Leinart watched from the bench all season as Kurt Warner led the Cardinals on an unlikely journey to the Super Bowl. Dismissed early on as “pretenders”, the Cardinals answered their critics time and time again as they upset the opponents expected to knock them out of post-season play. But now the team turns to Leinart to lead them to victory in the National Football League’s ultimate exhibition. “I’m staying away from beer bong parties, Paris Hilton, and all of the usual distractions. I’m staying humble and even taking notes now. Are you kidding me? I’ve waited my whole career for this moment. I’m ready,” Leinart said. “Oh, but I hope they find Kurt,” he added.
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