Monday, November 30, 2009


~ McCarthyisms 86:86

THIS . . .


The Martini is the best mixed drink ever invented, and it is the symbol of life, representing everything that's good and everything that's bad. The Martini pictured above was concocted and consumed on the evening of November 29th, 2009, at the new Cattleman's Bar & Grill in Prescott, Arizona. It consisted of three shots of Tanqueray gin and a small splash of vermouth. The green olives at the bottom symbolize both God and the devil.

The greatest book ever published in the English language, ‘The Official Liquor Buyers’ Guide’ by Jack Lewis, has this to say about the Martini:

“There is no such thing as a vodka martini. In order for it to be a martini, it must be made with gin. Personally, a vodka martini would taste better than a gin martini, but all that you are doing is drinking a refined alcohol with a little vermouth in it, so you are really not getting a martini when you order a vodka martini – it is a misnomer.”

The person who consumes just the right number of Martinis will feel simply mahvelous, but just one too many, and that same person will feel quite awful . . . especially the morning after the night before. Get too much of the best thing and bad stuffs happens. For this reason, it is imperative that the Martini-drinker know when to say, "Whoa!" As soon as the Martini-drinker reaches the state of nirvana (which is located somewhere between California's wine country and Kentucky's Bourbon county), it's crucial that he or she stop drinking Martinis . . . and switch to Gin and Tonic.

I hope you found this lesson helpful. It was composed specifically for you by a shaking hand on the back of a Motel 6 receipt placed on top of a Gideon's Bible for support.

Now, where did I pack my Excedrin?

~ Stephen T. McCarthy
Hungover Doggtor of Alcohology Blogology

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


~ 1 Peter 3:15

There is a great misconception out there and I aim to dispel it right here and right now! It seems that the average knucklehead on the street (and make no mistake about it, the average person on the street is indeed a knucklehead) is under the impression that to believe in the existence of God and in the Sonship, crucifixion, and Resurrection of Christ Jesus requires blind faith. Well, bulldogs and corn flakes! That’s about the biggest bunch of hogwash and horse puckey I’ve ever heard.

Now, I will concede (but just barely, mind you) that we don’t have absolute proof of God’s existence. By that I mean no one on Earth has actually seen God. However, when it comes to circumstantial evidence, we have tons and tons of it. And OK, no one can claim to be a witness to the firing of the bullet of Truth, but still we have as evidence not just a smoking gun, but multiple smoking guns. If this were the JFK assassination under discusssion here, we’d be introducing as evidence smoking guns seen from the book depository, the grassy knoll, the sewer system, and the freeway overpass. In other words, we’ve got visible indications of God all over the place! We have signs in nearly every conceivable realm open to enquiry, from science to literature to archeology to mental reasoning to perhaps even unexplainable physical artifacts. The person who wants to escape reminders of their Maker would have to leave this earth altogether!

"It was my science that drove me to the conclusion that the world is much more complicated than can be explained by science. It was only through the supernatural that I can understand the mystery of existence.”
~ Allan Sandage, Astronomer
Honored by the American Astronomical Society; Swiss Physical Society; Royal Astronomical Society; Swedish Academy of Sciences

I contend that there are only two types of atheists: the ignorant and the obstinate. (Or, the unwittingly ignorant and the willfully ignorant.) By a huge margin, most of the atheists fall into the latter category. But fat, drunk and ignint ain’t no way to go through life. . . . well . . . drunk maybe. But, trust me, the rest of it is bad “stuffs.”

Before we go any further, we need to define our terms: what is blind faith and what is educated faith? To be sure, belief in God requires some type and degree of faith. But not all faiths are the same. Or, to rock yer boat and knock yer noggin: not all faith is blind.


Some people entertain all sorts of beliefs with blind faith during their daily life. And yes, it’s true, many people of faith do rely on blind faith in their religious walk as well. This is unfortunate because not only is blind faith utterly worthless but, at times, it can even be downright detrimental. Here’s an illustration:

Joe believes he’s going to win the lottery. He’s been playing it for years and never won, but for some reason which he can’t fully explain, he thinks that THIS time he is going to take home the big prize. There is nothing he can see and point to as evidence for his belief, not even the law of averages is on his side, but it doesn’t matter – Joe believes. So, this time he buys even more lottery tickets than usual. In fact, Joe’s blind faith is so strong that he spends the grocery money and half the rent buying lottery tickets. And after each ticket purchased turns out to be worthless, Joe is now left without enough money to buy food for the month, and unless he can find someone to loan him enough Federal Reserve Notes to make up the other half of the rent money due, he’s going to find himself without a roof over his head. In this case, not only was Joe’s blind faith of no value at all, it actually hurt him.


Educated faith is quite a different thing from blind faith. Although educated faith is indeed faith also because it lacks absolute, unequivocal proof of what is being proposed, it is a faith that is based on circumstantial evidence that makes the belief it supports quite understandable and reasonable. Here’s an example:

Not one person on this planet has any assurance that the Sun will rise tomorrow. There is no proof at all that we collectively will see another day. But because we understand some basic science regarding gravitational pull and the workings of the solar system, we make plans today for tomorrow. In fact, as I write this, many people are buying turkey and pumpkin pie to consume during their family Thanksgiving Day celebration which will take place, not tomorrow even, but the day after that. Actually, our educated faith is so well established that many folks are already buying Christmas gifts for others despite that celebrated day being a month into the future. Although it’s possible that something could happen between now and then which will end the world as we know it, we have every REASON to believe that it’s safe to make plans not only for tomorrow but for Thanksgiving Day after that and Christmas Day next month. You can’t prove to me that there will be a tomorrow, but I’ll concede that it’s logical for you to believe there will be based upon your educated faith which has been built by an understanding of circumstantial evidence and an examination of some seemingly universal laws. You, my friend, are on much firmer terra firma than that idiot “Lottery Joe” was.

Alright, now we all understand that blind faith is a faith based on nothing, while educated faith is a faith based on the preponderance of the evidence available to the reasoning mind.

Now, when it comes to the belief in a Loving Creator and in the life, crucifixion and Resurrection of the Messianic Savior, Yeshua (Jesus Christ), the educated person of faith understands that more than just a preponderance of the evidence supports his or her position. In courts of law, three different degrees of evidence are sometimes necessary to prove a case: a mere preponderance of the evidence; clear and convincing evidence; or evidence beyond reasonable doubt. Bear in mind that many a man has been sentenced to death on, not proof (a level of certainty which is usually impossible to reach), but evidence beyond reasonable doubt. Well, I strongly argue that evidence beyond reasonable doubt of God’s existence and the crucifixion and Resurrection of His Son has already been uncovered and is available to anyone who is willing to accept and embrace The Truth.

About two and a half years ago I posted a review at the liberal website for the book ‘The Politically Incorrect Guide To Darwinism And Intelligent Design.’ As was to be expected, I was immediately under attack in the comments section from the masses of emotionally overwrought atheists who haunt that site. (How atheists can work up so much emotion over something that, according to them, doesn’t even exist, I’ll leave for you to figure out. I already know.) Anyway, I was standing alone there, one man debating against a pack of jackals. I believe I acquitted myself quite well, however. I’m sure of that because a few of those atheists got really mad. You can always tell you’ve scored points when liberals start frothing at the mouth and become even more illogical than usual.

At one point, a woman named Sarah posted the following in response to one of my earlier rebuttals:

Regarding the Bible: you "know that it is a supernatural document given by God through His chosen prophets"? How do you KNOW this? (Don't bother responding; I KNOW you have zero proof for this belief ;-)

For an ostensibly educated person, you certainly are gullible.

In The Bible’s book of 1st Peter, the saint tells us, “Be ready to give an answer in meekness and reverence to everyone who seeks from you a word concerning the hope of your faith.” In other words, those who believe in God and Christ need to be prepared to intelligently defend their position when called upon to do so by a skeptic. It is our duty to be armed with information so that the person who challenges the validity of our beliefs does not walk away thinking that we could not uphold them against their skepticism.

I do hold some beliefs that I find supported by an in-depth study of The Bible but which mainstream Christianity today would pronounce as heretical. And for this reason, I never refer to myself as a “Christian” as I feel this would mislead people about my spiritual beliefs and religion. But nevertheless, I was prepared to do what Saint Peter said; I was prepared to give an answer to Sarah concerning the hope of my faith.

And so I immediately replied to Sarah by saying something like this:

Sarah, there are only two kinds of people who do not acknowledge the Divine inspiration of The Holy Bible: those who have not studied it, and those who have not studied it sufficiently. I have found that most people who make comments like you have here fall into the former category rather than the latter. To coin a stolen phrase: Don’t be down on what you’re not up on.

I then proceeded to mention three different pieces of Biblical evidence that would lead any reasonable person to only one conclusion: there IS a God, and He is responsible for most of The Bible’s text.

And so how did Sweet Sarah respond to this? She responded the same way that most knuckleheads do when they’ve made a fool of themselves and been publicly humiliated. She was silent. Not a peep. Well, I suppose the only worthwhile thing she could have responded with was “DOH!”, but sadly, the only sound from Sarah afterwards was the sound of someone eating copious amounts of crow.

More recently, I found myself in a brief discussion about religion with a coworker. I’ll call her Lily. In the course of our discussion I remarked about how surprised I always am to find people who follow religious tenets that have no solid evidence whatsoever to support them. I specifically mentioned Islam, but was also entertaining thoughts of Mormonism, Scientology and others. Lily kind of bristled at this comment, and then bristled again when I later made some derogatory statement about suicide bombers who kill innocent people to supposedly honor and obey their god.

Well, exactly one week later, Lily brought up something in discussion which again led us immediately into the subject of spiritual/religious beliefs and again I happened to make some negative remark about Islam’s suicide bombers and Lily said something like: You seem to always want to attack that religion, but I think everybody has a right to believe whatever religious ideas they choose.

While I definitely agree that everyone should have the right to entertain whatever religious beliefs they want (so long as they aren’t harming others who do not wish to be harmed), I also think that only people who lack basic intelligence and a critical thinking capacity could fall for some of the belief systems that currently exist. I decided it was time to have it out with Lily and get to the bottom of her personal beliefs, and so I initiated a protracted discussion on the subject of religion and here’s what I learned about Lily:

She was raised Catholic, and although she still chooses to believe a couple of that denomination’s tenets, she has also incorporated certain beliefs that have no basis in fact; she believes them simply because she chooses to do so. And that’s that. One of her beliefs is that in the end, God will judge us all and if He determines that we very sincerely held to religious beliefs, regardless of how incorrect they may have been, we will be admitted into Heaven. So, in other words, if the Muslim who kills innocent Jews and Christians does so because he truly believes that’s what allah wants him to do, then he will not ultimately be barred from Heaven because in his heart of hearts, he genuinely sought to please his god.

I quickly explained to Lily the difference between blind faith and educated faith and then through a series of questions, I gradually maneuvered her into a corner and then asked her: “Are you personally willing to pronounce it wrong when a Muslim suicide bomber kills innocent people even though the bomber honestly believes he’s obeying god? According to you, is it wrong regardless?” There was a very long pause, while she thought, and then Lily said, “Well, it’s wrong here. Yes. But God will have the final say, and He might not condemn it because only He can know what was in that person’s heart.”

Well, first I want to say that anyone who can’t immediately answer “Yes” to the question I posed to Lily without first enduring a long, thoughtful pause, has some serious problems with their theology. That’s the first clue that you’ve got a whole lot more (and much better) thinking to do. The agonizing pause was proof of just how difficult Lily found it to personally denounce a sincere suicide bomber’s act.

At this juncture, I turned my face away from Lily, rolled my eyes, then turned back to her, put my hands up and said, “There’s just no point in us continuing to discuss this, nor any point in discussing religion again. You see, I hold the beliefs that I do because the available evidence leads me to them. But you hold your beliefs for no other reason than that you choose to hold them.”

Lily replied, “Well, I’ll be the first to admit that I have blind faith. But you can’t prove what you believe either.”
“That’s correct,” I said. “I can’t absolutely prove what I believe is true.”
“So, you have blind faith, too,” Lily said.
“NO! My faith is an EDUCATED faith! I have sound reasons to believe what I do.” I responded in an exasperated way since I had only ten minutes earlier explained to her the difference between blind and educated faith.
“But it’s still just faith,” she said.
“Not JUST faith; EDUCATED faith! It’s informed by facts and logic.”

In the end, I was not able to get Lily to comprehend the difference and realize the superior quality of educated faith to blind faith. Well, as I've often said: You can't reason with a person who forms their beliefs without reasoning.

Another oddity of Lily's beliefs is that should a person commit suicide, he will not gain entrance into Heaven, but the person who kills another human being while firmly believing that they are doing as God desires, that person might still make it into Paradise. Never mind, I guess, what God says in The Ten Commandments. According to Lily, murdering the innocent MIGHT be wrong in God’s Eyes, but self-murder is ALWAYS wrong. Go figure.

Based on this discussion, a person might get the idea that Lily is a total knucklehead; a person of lower than average intelligence. But in fact, she’s not a “maroon.” I would say that generally, Lily is perhaps slightly above average in smarts. This just goes to show, however, that when it comes to the subject of religion (and sometimes politics), many individuals have developed the ability to check their brain at the door and enter the topic with a blind determination to believe only what they want to believe with a blind faith that, sadly, may lead them to their undoing. As I said earlier, not only is blind faith utterly worthless but, at times, it can even be detrimental.

The probability of higher life forms emerging by chance are comparable to the odds that . . . “a tornado sweeping through a junkyard might assemble a Boeing 747 from the materials therein.”
~ Sir Fred Hoyle
Nature magazine; 1981, November

I recall an interesting discussion I witnessed on the U.C.L.A. campus in 1994. I was just sitting there against a stairway railing on Bruin Walk and watching this young Christian college student attempting to evangelize his fellow students. He was standing there boldly speaking out to passersby about Jesus Christ, and he was likening the collection of saints in Heaven to the ultimate party. “You think a frat party is fun? Wait until you join the saints and party in Heaven. Now THAT’S gonna be a REAL party!” While I felt this probably wasn’t the best analogy the young Christian could have drawn, I did understand how he was trying to engage these young college kids at their own level or mind-set. And I certainly had to respect his boldness and courage, because to shout about Jesus on a modern university campus is just asking for a confrontation.

As I watched, eventually another student followed by three others approached the Christian and began interacting with him. This guy was a real “Joe Stud” type; handsome and probably an athlete. With him were two other guys and a gal, but it was clear that Joe Stud was the leader and these friends of his were something of a following. I watched as Joe Stud began asking Mr. Christian all sorts of questions about God and Jesus. Although he was skeptical, he was also very respectful, and it was clear to me that there was something buried in the heart of Joe Stud that was being drawn to this message even while something in his mind wanted to reject it.

Joe Stud was asking good, probing questions, wanting to know how Mr. Christian could account for this, that, and the other thing. And Mr. Christian was sincerely attempting to give sound, Bible-based answers to the questions. Sadly, however, as I listened to the responses from Mr. Christian, it gradually became clear to me that he really wasn’t armed with enough factual information to satisfy his fellow student. The conversation went on for a considerable amount of time, so long in fact, that Joe Stud’s followers began to get impatient and almost begged him to “Come on. Let’s go.” But something in Joe Stud WANTED to hear this; something inside WANTED to believe, but he needed the right, reasonable answers to give in and go with it. However, despite his best efforts, Mr. Christian wasn’t able to provide the logical responses necessary.

To this day, I still number this experience amongst the saddest I’ve personally witnessed. I knew this good-looking young man with leadership qualities was ready to accept The Truth about his salvation and the Love of God and Christ, but unfortunately, the right person “ready to give an answer in meekness and reverence to everyone who sought from him a word concerning the hope of his faith” wasn’t there. At several points I very nearly jumped into the conversation, but I was an outsider – not even a U.C.L.A. student. And my religious worldview was somewhat different from Mr. Christian’s, and so I felt it wouldn’t be right for me to interfere. This was his potential convert to either gain or lose. And to be totally honest, I myself wasn’t fully prepared at that time to give the very best answers in defense of my faith. So, I just sat there watching, feeling distant and helpless.

Eventually, Joe Stud and his followers wandered off and then so did I, feeling that a great opportunity to bring another person to The Truth of God and Christ had been lost. You can’t bring souls to Christ if you can’t make a persuasive argument that a belief in God and Jesus makes sense.

I have reflected on that U.C.L.A. discussion many, many times in the ensuing fifteen years, and it always fills me with sadness. Jesus had only earlier that year made Himself known to me and so I myself was a new convert and not ready for the challenge – a challenge that wasn’t mine anyway. But over the years, it has made me feel a little better by choosing to believe that at some point Joe Stud did come to Jesus. His heart was ready, even if his mind wasn’t there yet. But I want to believe that God has since sent the right messenger to bring Joe Stud into The Good Shepherd’s fold.

Seek and search after God, and find Him by means of His creations.
~ Acts 17:27
[George M. Lamsa translation]

Unfortunately, many if not most believers in Christ are unprepared to defend their religion when called upon to do so. I believe too many Christians feel that listening to their pastor speak for an hour on Sunday mornings provides them with enough information. But that’s not likely to truly prepare a person to act on Saint Paul’s exhortation. There are a great many fine books available which convey more than enough truth about God, Christ, and The Holy Bible to raise anyone’s blind faith to a level of confident educated faith. Below is a sample of some of the books that I could recommend to anyone:

Edited by John Warwick Montgomery
This excellent book is currently out of print, but inexpensive used copies are easily obtained through internet booksellers. This is probably the first title I would recommend to any intellectually honest atheist or skeptic. This is a collection of essays written by some really bright dudes and covering a variety of areas necessarily examined in any objective study into the veracity of Biblical claims. Part 1: A Hard Look At Evidence; Part 2: God And Scientific Cosmology; Part 3: Revelatory Biology; Part 4: Biblical Criticism And Bible Prophecy; Part 5: God’s Existence And Christ’s Claims; Part 6: A Time For Decision; Appendix: Some Concluding Thoughts On Evolutionary Belief. As far as books of this nature go, in my opinion, it just doesn’t get any better than this.

By Dr. Chuck Missler

While this is a bit more sensationalistic than ‘Evidence For Faith’, it’s also a bit less highbrow, for those who would prefer to read something not quite as scholarly. Nevertheless, it’s a good overview that most anyone would benefit from.

All by Lee Strobel
The books in this series are hugely popular and for good reason. Good “stuffs”!

By C.S. Lewis
An authentic Christian classic by a brilliant man.

By C.S. Lewis

The story of how logic led a brilliant unbeliever to the realization that GOD IS!

By Josh McDowell
This very small booklet is loaded with “stuffs” that has led millions and millions of readers to reconsider the possibility that Jesus is the Savior of mankind.

By R. Edwin Sherman
Is all this talk about a code being Divinely encrypted into The Bible just a lot of balderdash? Read this book and make up your own mind. Or, for free, peruse Mr. Sherwin’s website HERE.

By Robert Cornuke
These are books that read like adventure novels but are loaded with intriguing finds. The first one is now out of print and used copies are expensive. However, I believe the second one is still readily available and definitely worth reading.

By James Perloff
An easy and fun book to read that is sure to make you begin rethinking this whole Evolution thang.

By Dr. F. Batmanghelidj

I read this in 1995 and came away amazed at the complexity of the system that governs the use and distribution of water in the human body. I gained some very valuable health information and also wound up shaking my head and thinking: Man! That God sure knows how to build an engine!

By Mark Antonacci
While a belief that the Shroud of Turin is the actual burial cloth of Christ is hardly necessary for salvation, this remains an incredibly interesting subject. Forget what you think you already know about The Shroud, read this and be ASTOUNDED! This is one of my very favorite nonfiction books of all time.

by Stephen C. Meyer
I haven’t read this book yet, but it’s on my “To Read Very Soon” list. From what I’ve heard, it makes a great case for the concept of Intelligent Design. So far, it has even mostly held back the swarming God-haters who normally haunt and attack en masse anything that challenges their god Darwin and their religion Darwinism.

By God
And of course, I recommend The Book of books itself - The Word Of God. There is a great deal of evidence for God and Christ within these pages for the person who not only reads The Book, but seriously studies it as well. Any of the well known translations are recommended, but I most highly praise the version translated from the ancient Aramaic by George M. Lamsa.

I don’t necessarily concur with every point raised in all of the aforementioned books (excepting the one by God, naturally), but they are all generally excellent. Read one or all of them and you’ll find that where your faith may have once been blind, now it will see (that is to say, it will become “educated”).

In closing, I am adding a link to a rather remarkable contraption. According to what I was told, this music machine was built as a collaborative effort between the Robert M. Trammell Music Conservatory and the Sharon Wick School of Engineering at the University of Iowa (yup, IOWA!) Ninety-seven percent of the machine’s components came from John Deere Industries and irrigation equipment. Yup. Farm “stuffs.”

It took the team a combined 13,029 hours of set-up, alignment, calibration, and tuning. It is currently on display at the Matthew Gerhard Alumni Hall at the University and it is slated to be donated to the Smithsonian Institute. Watch this three minute and twenty-five second video and then ask yourself if you truly believe the minds that conceived and created this thing could possibly be the result of millions of chance mutations over billions of years arising out of some primordial muck. If you think so, then yer a primordial muck schmuck.


Bless And Be Blessed.

~ Stephen T. McCarthy

POSTSCRIPT: Hey y'all, it's MY turn to eat "copious amounts of crow." To coin another stolen phrase: Everybody plays the fool sometimes. Check out the "Comments" and watch me dig into my Thanksgiving Crow! But you enjoy your turkey.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


Continuing to celebrate Roger Miller’s birthday for one mo’ Blog Bit, I have posted below the lyrics to four more humorous songs. There’s a certain risque element to all of these songs. The way I see it, a person who has S-E-X as often as I do (never!) had damn sure better be able to laugh about it. Besides, let’s think about it for a moment and then be honest . . . what’s funnier than S-E-X?

This first tune is by a true genius of comedy. I apply the “genius” label very sparingly because I think it’s generally over used, but when it comes to Jim Stafford, the fit is perfect. If there is anybody qualified to wear Roger Miller’s mantle, it’s Jim Stafford. I’d love to see him perform live someday, but I just don’t want to have to travel all the way to Branson, MO. to do it. It should also be noted that Jim Stafford is responsible for, in my opinion, the best and funniest music video ever created. Yeah, the ol’ boy must have consumed a drink or two once or twice, because he totally NAILED IT. Anyway, on to the lyrics:

Written and performed by Jim Stafford

I just got into town and I didn’t have nothin’ to do
When I happened upon this telephone booth
With a whole bunch of writing covering one entire wall
It said, “If you ain’t afraid to spend a dime
And if you want to have a real good time
Just give Lucille a call.”

Underneath her number was this big long list
That said she’d do that and that she’d do this
I let my fingers do the walkin’ through all kind of stuff I’d missed

I shuffled through my pockets ‘til I found myself a dime
I heard it ring a time or two and I got her on the line
And I said, “Lucille, I’d like to have a real good time.”

Might have found a lover; might have made a new friend
Well, I ain’t had a real good time since I don’t know when

She said, “Who are you and what is this?”
I said, “It’s Jim, Lucille, and it’s about this list.”
Which I began to read with particular emphasis
On my favorite numbers: one, five, eleven, fourteen, twenty-two, thirty-three, and forty-one through fifty-nine.

She said, “Where are you?” and I gave her the street
She said, “You sound like a guy I’d love to meet.”
She said, “Stay right where you and and I promise you a real good time.”


About fifteen minutes after my arrest
In the middle of the questions, I tried to protest
That I wasn’t that phantom obscene phone caller or master of crime
So, they took me away; they allowed me one call
And I recalled that number on the phone booth wall
And I said, “Lucille, me and you got a altogether different idea about a real good time.

I lost my lover; I lost my new friend
Well, you can’t have a real good time doing one to ten

“Hello, Lucille? Listen here, honey.
Uh, I was wonderin’ – I’m gonna be tied up for quite a while here
And I was wonderin’ about… Oh… maybe ten years or so when I get out of here
If you’d mind if I gave you a call?
Hello? Hello, Lucille? Lucille! Hello!
Uh… hello? Hello, Lu— uh, hello?”

Now here’s a humorous song by an alright guy:

Written and performed by Todd Snider

You know just the other morning
I was hanging around inside my house

I had that new book with pictures of Madonna naked
I was checking it out

Just then a friend of mine came through the door
Said she never pegged me for a scumbag before
She said she didn't ever wanna see me anymore
And I still don't know why

I think I'm an alright guy
I think I'm an alright guy
I just wanna live unitl I gotta die
I know I ain't perfect, but God knows I try
I think I'm an alright guy
I think I'm alright

Now maybe I'm dirty
And maybe I smoke a little dope

But it aint like I'm going on T.V.
And tearing up pictures of the Pope

I know I get wild and I know I get drunk
But it ain’t like I gotta lot of bodies in my trunk
My old man used to call me a “No good punk.”
And I still don't know why


You know just the other night
These cops pulled me over outside a bar
They turned on their lights and said,
“Hey, kid, get out of the car.”
I was only joking when I called ‘em a couple of dicks
But still they made me do the stupid human tricks
And now I'm stuck in this cell with a bunch of dumb hicks
And I still don't know why
I think I’m an alright guy

Going from A (“Alright Guy”) to Z (“Zevon”), here’s another funny one. In 1978, Linda Ronstadt scored a Top Forty hit with a cleaned up, unfunny, inferior cover version of this song. Never send a woman to do a man’s song:

Written and performed by Warren Zevon

I lay my head on the railroad tracks
And wait for the Double "E"
But the railroad don't run no more
Poor, poor pitiful me

Poor, poor pitiful me
Poor, poor pitiful me
These young girls won't let me be
Lord, have mercy on me
Woe is me

Well, I met a girl in West Hollywood
I ain't naming names
But she really worked me over good
She was just like Jesse James

She really worked me over good
She was a credit to her gender
She put me through some changes, Lord
Sort of like a Waring blender

Well, I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar
She asked me if I'd beat her
She took me back to the Hyatt House
I don't wanna talk about it.

Poor, poor pitiful me

Poor, poor pitiful me
These young girls won't let me be
Lord, have mercy on me
Woe is me

Think you can write? Someday, try to come up with something as great as "She put me through some changes, Lord. Sort of like a Waring blender." Lines like that make it clear to me why I ain't never been nothin' but a "no good punk."

But if popular music has ever produced a better lyricist than Bob Dylan, it’s Tom Waits. I know there are plenty of people out there who would disagree with me (although my friend The Great L.C. is not amongst them), but Tom Waits eventually pissed away his genius in a conscious effort to become an “artiste.” Waits may represent the greatest waste of God-given talent ever seen. That’s only my opinion, of course, but on this Blog, my opinion rules the roost.

However, make no mistake about it – even if Waits had never written anything other than ‘Emotional Weather Report’ his “genius” classification would have still been secure for all-time. But let’s take a look at his song titled . . .

Written and performed live by Tom Waits

[Spoken Introduction:]
This is for all the bachelors out there tonight. Yeah, or for anybody who’s ever whistled this song [*plays ‘Here Comes The Bride’ on the piano*] Or maybe you’ve whistled it but you’ve lost the sheet music. Heh!-Heh! Well, actually, I don’t mind going to weddings or anything, as long as it’s not my own. I show up. But, uh, I’ve always kinda been partial to calling myself up on the phone and asking myself out, ya know? – [*positive audience reaction*] – Oh, yeah, you call yourself up too, huh? Yeah, well, one thing about it, you’re always around.

Yeah, you ask yourself out, ya know, to some class joint somewhere. The Burrito King or something, ya know? Well, I ain’t cheap, ya know? You take yourself out for a couple of drinks maybe. Then you need some provocative conversation on the way home. And park in front of the house, ya know? Oh, yeah, you’re smooth – you put a little nice music on. Like, maybe, you put on, like, you know, shopping music; something that’s not too interruptive, ya know? And then, uh, slide over real nice, ya know? “Oh, I think you have something in your eye.” Heh!-Heh! Well, maybe it’s not THAT romantic but, you get into it, ya know?

I take myself up to the porch, and take myself inside. Oh, maybe… uh, oh, a little something in a brandy snifter or something. “Would you like to listen to some of my back records?” I got something here, uh…. uh… Well, usually about 2:30 in the morning you’ve ended up taking advantage of yourself and there ain’t no way around that, ya know? Yeah, makin’ the scene with a magazine. I’ll confess, ya know? I’m no different, ya know? I’m not weird about it or anything; I don’t tie myself up first. I just kinda like to spend a little time with myself. So, this is kind of a little anthem here:

All my friends are married

Every Tom and Dick and Harry
You must be strong to go it alone
Here's to the bachelors and the Bowery bums
And those who feel that they're the ones
Who are better off without a wife

I like to sleep until the crack of noon
Midnight howlin' at the moon
Goin' out when I want to; comin' home when I please
I don't have to ask permission
If I want to go out fishin’
And I never have to ask for the keys

Never been no Valentino
Had a girl who lived in Reno
Left me for a trumpet player
Didn't get me down
He was wanted for assault
Though he said it weren't his fault
Well the coppers rode him right out of town


Selfish about my privacy
As long as I can be with me
We get along so well I can't believe
I love to chew the fat with folks
And listen to all your dirty jokes
I'm so thankful for these friends I do receive

[Spoken Conclusion:]
Yeah, I got this girl I know, man. She’s been married several times. I don’t want to end up like her. I mean, she’s been married so many times she’s got rice marks all over her face. Yeah, you know the kind.


Although he ain't no genius, Yoey O’Dogherty is probably the most persecuted and prosecuted songwriter ever. How was he to know the chick was only 17? It was dark, she said she was legal, and her bra said she was “36.”

Written and performed by Yoey O’Dogherty And His Corn Liquor Boys

Adam was content
He loved his life, he loved the land
He wasn’t really lonely
There was a woman he called “Hand.”

His life was, oh, so peaceful
Upon that holy ground
He’d still be living there today
Had Eve not come around

She forced the thing upon him
Poor Adam was misled
He took a bite of forbidden fruit
The apple, sweet and red

They were expelled from paradise
By the great creator, God
Lived their days in misery
Because of that stupid broad

Delilah snipped at Samson’s hair
She wanted to cut more
But finally she was forced to leave
When he began to snore

Throughout the ages, it is true
The downfall of the male
Has always been a pretty girl
Pretending to be frail

Men in suits or jeans or hats
Will always become the prey
To brown-skinned beauties, string bikinis
And a little T and A

She will capture him with cunning
She will capture him through lust
She will capture him when weakened
By her Double D-size bust

Now me, I’m not the kind of guy
That a woman could destroy
For I stay home on weekend nights
With the centerfold from ‘Playboy’

~ Stephen T. McCarthy

POSTSCRIPT: I hope the National Organization for Women won’t go after the messenger. I merely posted the lyrics to ‘Now, What About Love?’ If you want to take it up with someone, take it up with the songwriter, Yoey O’Dogherty. You’ll find him in cell #36-DD, at the Kern Valley State Prison in Delano, California.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

4 X 4 (Or, "FOUR BY FOUR")

In celebration of Roger Miller’s birthday which was on January 2nd, I’ve decided to post the lyrics to four humorous songs by four different entertainers who, by writing and/or performing these songs, proved they were in possession of a funny bone.

I suppose it’s only right that we start with something by The Birthday Boy himself. Roger Miller was one of my Pa’s favorite singers and I literally grew up listening to Roger's spectacular nonsense. In fact, traces of Roger Miller’s wackiness can be found in some of my writing even to this very day. (Perhaps you’ve noticed it from time to time?) Dogged if the first lesson I can remember learning in my life - even before learning how to tell time or how to tie my shoes - was that “you can’t roller skate in a buffalo herd.” Roger Miller taught me that! And so I give you . . .

Written and performed by Roger Miller


Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug
Make ya wanna holler hi-dee-ho
Burns yer tummy, don't ya know
Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug

Grape wine in a Mason jar
Homemade and brought to school
By a friend of mine. After class
Me and him and this other fool
Decide that we'll drink up what’s left
Chug-a-lug, so I helped myself
First time for everything
Umm, my ears still ring!

Chug-a-lug, Chug-a-lug
Make ya wanna holler hi-dee-ho
Burns yer tummy, don't ya know
Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug

4 H and an FFA
On a field trip to the farm
Me and a friend sneak off behind
This big old barn
Where we uncovered a covered up
Moonshine still
And we thought we'd drink our fill
I swallowed it with a smile
Ooh, I run ten mile!
Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug

Jukebox and sawdust floor
Somethin' like I ain’t never seen
Heck, I'm just going on 15,
But with the help of my finaglin’ uncle
I get snuck in. Bought my first taste of sin
I said let me have a big old sip
Bbbb-bbb, I done a double back-flip!

Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug
Make ya wanna holler hi-dee-ho
Burns yer tummy, don't ya know
Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug

Here’s another one I grew up listening to, thanks again to my nutty Pa. This is a duet between Louis Prima and Louis’ funny sax player Sam Butera. The great humor of this number is really in the over-the-top delivery by both men. Unfortunately, you can’t hear the tune but check out the lyrics though:

Written by Berry / Josea
Performed by Louis Prima and Sam Butera

Sam: I saw this stranger leave my pad and this made me awful sad.

Louis: I don't blame ya!

Sam: But in the meantime, I was getting real mad.

Louis: You had a right to be.

Sam: And I said “Baby, what explanation do you have?”

Louis: Ah-ha, what she say?

Sam: She said, “Hmmm? Next time.” I said, “There'll be no next time, that was the last time for me.”

Louis: You told her right and I'm very proud of you.

Sam: Then I grabbed my hat and I headed for the door.

Louis: Yeah, and don't-- don't— don’t come back either!

Sam: I knew I wouldn't be back there no more.

Louis: You're doing the right thing, Sam.

Sam: Up walked the landlord, a real cool gent.

Louis: And what did he say?

Sam: He said, “Hey, Sam, how about the rent?”

Louis: And what you told him?

Sam: I said Hmmm? Next time.” He said, “There'll be no next time; you’re coming up with it right now.”

Louis: Don't give him nothing, Sam. Pay no attention to him.

Sam: Man, I jumped through that window and my feet hit the ground.

Louis: You were traveling fast!

Sam: I figured I'd better get out of town.

Louis: Wow! How-- how was ya going to--?

Sam: When I arrived at the airport…

Louis: Uh-oh!

Sam: There was that man: “Failure to support.”

Louis: What did you say?

Sam: I said, “Hmmm? Next time.” He said, “There'll be no next time; you're going to see the judge right now.”

Louis: You shouldn't have gone to the airport.

Sam: But he took me to see that little friend of mine.

Louis: Who? That little fella?

Sam: Ha!-Ha! District Judge--

Louis: I remember him!

Sam: Room 229! Ha!-Ha!

Louis: Ha! Yeah! He was crazy!

Sam: He said, “Sam—”

Louis: What'd he say?

Sam: “Your payments are way behind.”

Louis: And what you told him?

Sam: I said, “Don't worry, judge, it won't happen next time.”

Louis: And what'd he say?

Sam: He said, “Hmmm? Next time? There'll be no next time; you're going to jail right now.”

Louis: You shouldn't have gone to the airport! I'm surprised at ya! Surprised at ya!

Sam: He put me in a padded cell.

Louis: Did they feed ya?

Sam: On bread and water, and, man, that was... well...

Louis: How long did they keep ya?

Sam: Thirty days later – Ha!-Ha! - on my way out--

Louis: What you laughing about, Sam?

Sam: Here comes my chick with her big fat mouth.

Louis: Was she alone?

Sam: A policeman had her, he was putting her in jail.

Louis: What she wanted from you?


Louis: What you told her?

Sam: I said, “WHAAAAA--!!! NEXT TIME!!! There'll be no next time; that was the last time for me!!!”

OK, here’s another duet for you. This one finds Hank Williams Junior (“R U Ready 4 Some Football?!”) and Don Helms reminiscing about the good ol’ days of Western music when Junior’s Dad, Hank Williams Senior, was the king of Country. This is some “SERIOUSLY FUNNY” STUFFS!

Written and performed by Don Helms and Hank Williams Junior
[Sung to the tune of Johnny Horton’s ‘The Battle Of New Orleans’]

Junior: Don, tell us how it really was when you was workin’ with daddy.

Don: Well, in 1950 I took a little nip, along with Mr. Williams on the way to Mississipp'. We was stacked 8-deep in a Packard limousine and we met this promoter in the town of New Orleans.

Junior: Now the man told Daddy that he had what it took, and he liked the way he sang and he liked the way it shook.

Don: He said pretty soon he'd make us all rich and we started believin' that fat sumbitch.

Junior: Daddy told the man, if you wanna make some dough, take a little money and book me on a show.

Don: And we played them dates and we filled the places well, but Hank, he'd done blowed the profits all to hell. ‘Cause he'd run through a ten and he'd run through a twenty, and he'd run through a hundred just as fast as it could go.

Junior: Like a big dose of sauce to a little bitty fella, he'd spend a thousand dollars on a hundred dollar show.

Don: Hank looked at me with a funny lookin' grin. Said, "I've been to the Opry and I'm goin' back again." We met the owner in a little office there - a big fat fella with some artificial hair. He told Hank he wanted half of everything he made or he'd have to tell Audrey 'bout the women Hank had laid.

Junior: And you told Daddy he'd better get smart, get rid of them fellas and make a new start.

Don: And he fired my ass and he fired Jerry Rivers, and he fired everybody just as hard as he could go.

Junior: He fired old Cedric and he fired Sammy Pruitt.

Don: And he fired some people that he didn't even know.

Don: Well, every song he made it went to number one.

Junior: Y'all was workin' like hell and you was havin' fun!

Don: We was ridin' every day and playin' every night, and every twenty minutes some of us had a fight.

Junior: Now, Daddy, he was makin' money hand over fist, and y'all was gettin' screwed but ya wasn't gettin’ kissed.

Don: Yeah, I told him to pass a little bit around but he said he'd rather send it to his folks in Alabam'.

Junior: So he fired your ass and he fired Jerry Rivers, and he fired everybody just as hard as he could go.

Don: He fired old Cedric and he fired Sammy Pruitt.

Junior: And he fired some people that he didn't even know.

Junior: Now the owner of the Opry, he's a-doin' pretty good; he's got a music company that they call Cedarwood.

Don: And Hank played nothin’ but sold out halls, and I was pumpin' gas in greasy overalls. ‘Cause he fired my ass and he fired Jerry Rivers, and he fired everybody just as hard as he could go.

Junior: He fired old Cedric and he fired Sammy Pruitt!

Don: And he fired some people that he didn't even know.

Don: Hank’d run through a fifty and he'd run through a hundred and he'd run through a thousand just as hard as he could go.

Junior: Buying Cadillacs, suits, paying double alimony.

Don: And he fired some people that he didn't even know.

Junior: Don, you know, you used to work for me one time.

Don: I sure remember THAT. But come to think of it, you fired my ass back in 1972.

Junior: Oh . . . well it's a family tradition, ya know?

Don: Yeah…yeah…yeah.

Junior: But I kept Jerry Rivers.

Don: Right, right.

Well, that Bit O’Country went down so well, what say we keep it in that genre? With apologies to The Beach Boys, The Doors, Tom Waits, and Warren Zevon, this is the best song ever written about my hometown, Los Angeles:

Written by Roger Murrah and Waylon Jennings
Performed by Ol’ Waylon

How much is it worth to live in L.A.?
That land of silk and money where the pretty people play
When they itemize insanity, how much will you pay?
How much is it worth to live in L.A.?

Now I'm not here to criticize or to put nobody down
But they're weirdin' out in Hollyweird everytime ya turn around
And when it comes to crazy, I know whereof I speak
And I know where I'd be leaving if I were walking in their feet.

There's a freeway full of traffic goin' every which way
People dodgin' bullets crawlin' down the interstate
They keep waitin' for the big one, one tremor at a time
Ain't nobody living there - it's all a state of mind.

How much is it worth to live in LA?
That land of silk and money where the pretty people play
When they itemize insanity, how much will you pay?
And how much is it worth to live in LA?



Just for fun, let’s test your knowledge of song lyrics. I’m going to post below the lyrics to a theme song of a well known old television sitcom, and you see if you can identify the show. Ready? Go! . . .

Well, did you guess it?
Check your answer by clicking on the “Comments” section. I’ve posted the correct answer there.

Ukulelely Yours,

~ Stephen T. McCarthy

Sunday, November 1, 2009


Happy ALL SAINTS DAY, all you Saints.

Now let’s get out there and act like it!

To get myself started, I listened to one of the all-time, all-time great songs – two minutes and twenty-eight seconds of delight. If there was any real justice in “this world”, ALL SAINTS DAY would have been a Top Ten Billboard smash hit in 1991.


Here comes Sue and she looks crazy

Skipping down the hillside gaily
looking like the flowers that bloom in May
Won't you make your reservation?
I will meet you at the station
Won't you come and see me All Saints Day?

Follow my lead, it is no wonder, I seem to be so high
Living my dreams the way I ought to
As the days go rolling by
See me strolling through the meadow
With you, baby, by my side
Won't you come and see me All Saints Day?

See the streamline blue horizon
With you, baby, by the way
Won't you come and see me All Saints Day?
You can make your reservation
I will meet you at the station
When you come to see me All Saints Day

When you come to see me All Saints Day
When you come to see me All Saints Day

-- by Van Morrison

This Blog Bit has been posted in honor of

[*You didn’t think I had forgotten, did you, Countess?
I will ALWAYS remember you on All Saints Day!*]

Ukulelely Yours,

~ Trummy “Lonesome Dogg” Tewksbury

[*P.S. – Pipps: Tell Chix O’Tipplin that Muddy says, “Hi.”*]