Monday, November 30, 2009

GOD AND THE DEVIL

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"AS A DOG RETURNS TO HIS OWN VOMIT,
SO A FOOL DRINKS TOO MUCH GIN . . . AGAIN."
~ McCarthyisms 86:86

THIS . . .
.

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IS A MARTINI.

The Martini is the best mixed drink ever invented, and it is the symbol of life, representing everything that's good and everything that's bad. The Martini pictured above was concocted and consumed on the evening of November 29th, 2009, at the new Cattleman's Bar & Grill in Prescott, Arizona. It consisted of three shots of Tanqueray gin and a small splash of vermouth. The green olives at the bottom symbolize both God and the devil.

The greatest book ever published in the English language, ‘The Official Liquor Buyers’ Guide’ by Jack Lewis, has this to say about the Martini:

“There is no such thing as a vodka martini. In order for it to be a martini, it must be made with gin. Personally, a vodka martini would taste better than a gin martini, but all that you are doing is drinking a refined alcohol with a little vermouth in it, so you are really not getting a martini when you order a vodka martini – it is a misnomer.”

The person who consumes just the right number of Martinis will feel simply mahvelous, but just one too many, and that same person will feel quite awful . . . especially the morning after the night before. Get too much of the best thing and bad stuffs happens. For this reason, it is imperative that the Martini-drinker know when to say, "Whoa!" As soon as the Martini-drinker reaches the state of nirvana (which is located somewhere between California's wine country and Kentucky's Bourbon county), it's crucial that he or she stop drinking Martinis . . . and switch to Gin and Tonic.

I hope you found this lesson helpful. It was composed specifically for you by a shaking hand on the back of a Motel 6 receipt placed on top of a Gideon's Bible for support.

Now, where did I pack my Excedrin?

~ Stephen T. McCarthy
Hungover Doggtor of Alcohology Blogology
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6 comments:

arlee bird said...

I had to stop at the end of the first paragraph. I went immediately downstairs to mix myself up a martini to get the full experience of this. Just so happens that I had the Tanqueray, vermouth and olives. So I made one just like you described except your glass must have been bigger cause mine was overflowing and I had to take a few sips to fit it all in--or maybe my shots were too big. But no matter, I went back upstairs--carefully so as not to slosh my full martini on the carpet--and settled in to read another epic post. But what? The post was over before my third sip and now I have all of this martini to finish. Oh well, there are other blog posts to read, but none probably that goes as well as yours to a martini. And I'm stopping at just one. Thanks for the inspiration. Sip. Mmmm. And by the way this is an absolutely true story--I even took a photo of my martini in front of the screen account of your martini.
Lee

arlee bird said...

Oh Stephen, Here's an update since my last post.

No way I could drink more than one of these-- I'm not even half done and I'm...... Let's face it, I have a really low tolerance for alcohol.
And I guess I'm going to have olives for supper.
Lee

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

>>[I ... settled in to read another epic post. But what? The post was over before my third sip]<<

Sorry 'bout dat, my Bruhthuh. I didn't have enough energy to elaborate. Those Martinis can really take it outta ya.

>>[I even took a photo of my martini in front of the screen account of your martini.]<<

Well, for cryin'-out-loud, let's see it! Post it. Email it. Or sumpin'.

>>[And I guess I'm going to have olives for supper.]<<

Oh no, my friend - you got it all wrong. The Martini was supper; the olives were dessert.

Ya know, rLEE-b, I don't understand this at all. When I tell folks what to do to cure their cancer, they pay no attention to me. And when I tell 'em what to do to unclog their arteries so they suffer no more strokes, they pay no attention to me. But when I tell 'em what to do to cure their sobriety, THEN they listen to me!

What?! Do dey think I'm just a one-dimensional doggtor?

~ Dgtr. Stephen

arlee bird said...

Okay Stephen--

I emailed it to you. Not the best pic but it is my document to attest that I done it.

Lee

Anonymous said...

I made martinis for my "common law, brother in-law" (the guy who lives with, but isn't married to on of my sisters) this Thanksgivng.

I figured since I was in a house full of relatives for the day, wasn't goin anywhere, had plenty of food around, that I'd quietly tie one on. He had some Bombay Sapphire gin which is to expensive for me to buy, and guess what, I used kalamata olives. The concotion is tentatively named "WP's BS w/KO"

Hope you had a HTG!

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

>>[He had some Bombay Sapphire gin which is to expensive for me to buy]<<

I hear ya, Kalamata Br-O. Me too. It probably really is the finest name in gin, but when I order a martini (which isn't often enough), I just stick with the less expensive house gin. In THIS case, however, Tanqueray WAS the house gin.

>>[and guess what, I used kalamata olives. The concotion is tentatively named "WP's BS w/KO"]<<

Ha! That's the PERFECT name, Ol' WP. And that "KO" can be taken in two ways - both very appropriate.

~ Stephen, Da Drink Doggtor