"STUFFS" HAPPENS

[*From the STMcC Archive: 2008, Feb.]

Recently I was describing my religious viewpoint which is an amalgamation that entails a belief in and/or acceptance of 58.33% Christianity; Bad Dreams; two and a half buckets full of Buddhism things; foundational Winnie-The-Poohism…with strings; an old, lonely dog’s howl at the moon; a mellow Karen Carpenter tune; a baker’s dozen of Bobs Watson’s tears; and six cold Sierra Nevada beers. [*Crimony! Is anyone still reading this drivel? GET A LIFE!*]

Put it all together and what have you got? I dunno, but I’ll bet that 666,000 fools would drop money in it if I passed the collection plate, and would follow me in if I jumped in a lake. Bah-Bah-Bad Sheep, have you any brains? “No, Pastor Stephen, dey’s washed out by da rains!” Oh, Man! Brothers and Sisters, you’re probably wondering why I called you here: I have a dream… that one day I’ll wake up to find myself living in a Beverly Hills mansion, sharing my bed with a gorgeous European sports car, and with a collection of restored, classic supermodels parked in my football stadium-sized garage just waiting for me to take them for a ride. Will you pay for my dream? Say “Amen”, Brothers and Sisters! Can I get a “Hallelujah!”? Dig deep my faithful flock, while Sister Bertrille passes the plate and Brother Bojangles plays ‘Give Me That New Age Self-Glorification’ on his holy kazoo!

Sorry. I got carried away. [*It’s that dead debarred lawyer’s spirit which possesses the dead used car salesman’s spirit which possesses Stephen, who sometimes gets the best of both of them. If that made sense to you, then you’ll want to make an appointment with Stephen’s shrink… or his exorcists.*]

I purchased this cheap cardboard sign in Virginia City, Nevada, back about… uhm… well, back when I bought it. I don’t know who came up with these definitions for various religions, as they are uncredited. I therefore suspect that the writer is that famous Greek philosopher, Anonymous – who seems to have written more good stuffs than any other single literary giant, including that brilliant but alcoholic English pub hound, Shakyspear. I altered one of the following descriptions (“altered” = improved) and even added a couple more (“added” = invented), and I will put an “stm” (my initials) behind the ones that I had something to do with, so as not to misrepresent Anonymous. [*Yeah, and so he can squeeze every little bit of personal credit possible out of this strictly nonprofessional pseudo-entertainment.*] Without further ado, here is…..

THE SHORT GUIDE TO COMPARATIVE RELIGION:

TAOISM:
Sh#t Happens.

JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES:
Knock!-Knock! Sh#t Happens.

CATHOLICISM:
Sh#t Happens because you’re bad.

PROTESTANTISM:
Sh#t Happens because you don’t work hard enough.

ISLAM:
If Sh#t Happens, it’s the will of allah.

AGNOSTICISM:
Maybe Sh#t Happens, maybe it doesn’t.

ATHEISM:
No Sh#t!

JUDAISM:
Why does this Sh#t always Happen to us?

MORMONISM:
Sh#t Happens, but my wives and I are prepared for it. (stm)

BUDDHISM:
If Sh#t really Happens, it’s not really sh#t.

HARE KRISHNA:
Meatless Sh#t Happens. (stm)

HINDUISM:
This Sh#t Happened before.

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE:
The Sh#t only Happens in your mind.

MYSTICISM:
I am one with the Sh#t that Happens. (stm)

HEDONISM:
There’s nothing like a good Sh#t Happening.

EXISTENTIALISM:
What is this Sh#t anyway?

STOICISM:
This Sh#t doesn’t bother me.

T.V. EVANGELISM:
Send more Sh#t.

RASTAFARIANISM:
Let’s smoke this Sh#t.

I sincerely hope that I didn’t offend anyone with this comparative religion guide; I certainly didn’t mean to. [*That’s a crock of “Stuff” that “Happens”! He not only meant to offend everyone, but he DID IT, too!*]

OK, but seriously, folks, despite the fact that I don’t fully accept all of the tenets of any organized religion, I myself am – honestly! – quite religious. [*Yeah. He worships Jim Beam and he buys that brand of bourbon religiously!*] Jesus Christ is my personal Savior and the President of my world; He’s my principal Advisor and my Bodyguard. You want to mess with me, you gotta get past Jesus first, and nobody but NOBODY gets past Him: Jesus Saves. [*He’d make a great goalie!*] Heck, Jesus has even managed to save me from marriage, making him my Best Man for REAL and the aptly nicknamed “Prince of Peace.” [*Sure, but think about the terrific bachelor party and the many food processors you never got!*]

A lot of people don’t realize that Jesus actually does exist and that one can choose to have a true friendship with Him. I find that Jesus walks in my shoes with me [*And that’s why Stephen’s feet are forever hurting him!*] and the person who accuses me of being a “Jesus Freak” has in fact “nailed it.”

I think that one of the best things ever said about Jesus was not said at all, but was actually sung. In his song “WHY?” (available on the album “JOY IN THE JOURNEY: 10 YEARS OF GREATEST HITS”), Christian wordsmith Michael Card sang:

WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE A HEAVY CROSS HE WAS MADE TO BEAR?

AND WHY DID THEY NAIL HIS FEET AND HANDS

WHEN HIS LOVE WOULD HAVE HELD HIM THERE?

If a person doesn’t comprehend why that verse which Michael Card sings in “WHY?” is Truth of the Highest Order, then that individual has not the slightest understanding of why Jesus was hanging around down here. But you see, the thing of it is: LOVE Happened!

May you Bless And Be Blessed.

~ Stephen T. McCarthy
[*Who can only hope that he’s been “forgiven” for his sinful Sense O’Humor.*]