Sunday, October 24, 2010

THE CHIHUAHUA CUTTHROAT

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'Cinderella's Shoe' Blogfest.
Don't worry guys this isn't a girlie thing.
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Below is my 140-words-too-long ‘Cinderella’s Shoe’ Blogfest entry.
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[*My thanks to DiscConnected for the inspiration.]

THE CHIHUAHUA CUTTHROAT

Both blood and screams emanated from the lump of human flesh curled up at my feet. The girl’s blood splashed across my face and her screams splashed into my ears and out again as I continued to hammer her with the same dead, stiff Chihuahua I had recently used to kill sixteen other tattooed teenagers.

Fear had gripped the city as the citizens came to realize that an unknown mass murderer was in their midst and their pierced and punky kids were no longer safe. The newspaper headlines screamed, as did these tattooed teenagers I was beating into pulp with this dead dog that I had found in an alley behind a Taco Bell. But my victims screamed, “Stop! Please don’t! Oh, someone save me!” while the headlines screamed, “Teen Boy Found Dead In Bowling Alley Restroom; Blood And Dog Hair Everywhere” and “Killer Strikes Again: Kid’s Korpse Sent To Koroner”. Well, this is the mean streets of Sheboygan where even the newspaper reporters can’t spell. But I was up to seventeen minutes of fame and counting, and that was the important thing.

On the five o’clock news they referred to me as “The Chihuahua Cutthroat” and my infamy was already benefiting the community. The Sheboygan Mall was now teenager-free and it was rare to find young punks loitering in front of the liquor stores and 7-Elevens asking adults to buy beer for them. In fact, most of these punks were now spending ALL of their time – instead of only two-thirds of their time - in their locked bedrooms playing video games. And with the pimpled people afraid to venture out of their homes, the tattoo and piercing parlors were shutting down. The way I saw it, Sheboygan owed me a big thank you.

Only I had finally miscalculated. When I jumped my seventeenth victim, this chick with seventeen holes in her face and seventy percent of her body swimming in ink, I had failed to realize that we were right in front of a donut shop. Before this Vampira-looking chick had ceased her screaming, the cops had emptied out of the donut shop and we were all scuffling in a heap on the sidewalk.

During the melee, I received a blow to the head which jarred my mind loose. I scrambled for it as it rolled away from me but before I could reach out, grab it, and reinsert it, a cop managed to yank my arms back and cuff my wrists together. I could only watch helplessly as my mind rolled up to a bag-lady sleeping on the sidewalk and bumped up against the side of her grimy face. She awoke, saw my mind lying there and, thinking it was a "chaw" of chewing tobacco, put it in her mouth. Then a smile crossed her lips. She staggered to her feet, picked up the kitten that had been sleeping beside her, and she tottered away as the coppers shoved me into the back of a police car. I had lost my mind, but I was satisfied that it had gone to a worthy home.

The court appointed me a public defender who entered a plea of insanity on my mindless behalf, and because it was determined that I was not mentally sound enough to stand trial, the District Attorney dropped the idea of seeing me sent to death row and later executed. Instead, I wound up living here at The Sheboygan Funny Farm, where I practice my basket-weaving and between therapy and lectures, me and Liz clean up the yard. Of course, in the mornings I have my cup of coffee and read the newspaper, keeping up to date on this story about someone they call “The Sheboygan Catwoman” who is using a dead, stiff cat to rid the city’s mean streets of its tattooed, pierced and pimpled people.

~ Stephen T. McCarthy

YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.
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35 comments:

Madeleine said...

I love this, at first I wasn't sure and thought OMgosh and of course I felt sorry for the chihuahuas ;O)
As I read I thought it was a brilliant parody of the genre and it made me laugh I just had to get my hubby to read it. Thanks for joining in my blogfest and I'll let you off the fact that it's longer than the word count. :O)

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

Much thanks, Madeleine. For the kind words AND for letting me off the hook on the word count. I've always had a little trouble with "the rules".

~ Stephen
"As a dog returns to his own vomit,
so a fool repeats his folly."
~ Proverbs 26:11

DiscConnected said...

An bag lady and a sleeping cat? Isn't that a Todd Rundgren song?

The most impressive part of this story is that you know how to spel Chih...CHiwa...oh forget it!

Michael Vick is rolling over in his immersion spa.

LC

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

Michael Vick! - Hey, that gives me another idea . . .

. . . well, never mind. I think one story about dead animals is good enough for one day.

~ Stephen
"As a dog returns to his own vomit,
so a fool repeats his folly."
~ Proverbs 26:11

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

Wait a minute, DISCDUDE!
It just dawned on me... No comment about the Warren Zevon reference? Maybe you didn't catch it. I think you may be slipping, son.

~ D-FensDogg

DiscConnected said...

What if instead of beating dead teenagers with a mexican dog corpse, the story had an excitable boy whose victims were bloggers?

He could use a rubber chicken he found behind the Pioneer Chicken stand...

DiscConnected said...

I did miss it the first time through.

You've got quite a few allusions to lyrics in there, but cleaning up the yard must be done before you can play yer golf in the afternoon...

Arlee Bird said...

Stephen, that was so you--dislike of tattooed and pierced people and Sheboygan all in the same story. Sure some may laugh cause they think it's funny when it's actually creepy and scary. Really, though I loved it--this was a very clever and unique approach to the topic.

What a surprise finding you and Larry in one of these blog fests! What will happen next?

Have you thought of turning some of your political rants into parables and stories like you did here? I think you do it very well and it would be a kind of Jesus-like approach to getting your messages across. It seems like I do recall you doing this at some point in the past, but maybe you should try it more often.

Just a thought.

Lee
Tossing It Out

Hold my hand: a social worker's blog said...

That was funny...really funny. I laughed out loud...

Doris

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

DISCDUDE ~
>>...What if instead of beating dead teenagers with a mexican dog corpse, the story had an excitable boy whose victims were bloggers? He could use a rubber chicken he found behind the Pioneer Chicken stand...

HA!-HA! Damn, man, I LOVE THAT IDEA. Yer like a genius or sumpin'!


ARLEE BOID ~
Hey, thanks a lot, Brother - really glad ya liked it.

I wasn't at all considering entering this blogfest, but then I read a couple of the entries and thought they were - you know, like, really "nice". So I figured it was up to me to do something twisted. Larry's mention of a bag-lady and her kitten in his blogfest entry got my disturbed mind cranked up and I cranked this thing out in about five minutes. I think Larry should shoulder most of the blame.

Hmmm... your "political parables" idea is actually quite a good one. Off the top of my head, I can remember only one thing like that which I have written. It was a parable titled "The Bones Of Patriots Past" and I used it as the opening for one of my F-FFF blog bits called "#1 Rule Of Politics". But your idea does indeed have potential and possibilites and... probably I won't act on it. BUT I DO REALLY LIKE IT!


DORIS ~
Hey, I thank you. Well, if I made you laugh out loud then I did my job and... you are probably as mentally disturbed as I am.
;o) (I kid.)

~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'

Erica said...

Stopping by from the blogfest and I have to tell say, holy crap! this had me cracking up =) I love it

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

Aww, ERICA, yer crazy too!
I'll pray for you. :o)

[Thanks!!]

~ Stephen
"As a dog returns to his own vomit,
so a fool repeats his folly."
~ Proverbs 26:11

Ellie said...

I'm so glad you took part in Madeleine's blogfest, I wouldn't have read this gem otherwise. Like Madeleine, at first I was whoaa. . .but then I do like a bit of blood, guts, and psychological meance! Brilliant.

Heather M. Gardner said...

I always thought beating someone with a dead horse would be too cumbersome. The taco dog, much easier! Thanks for the laughter.

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

>>...Like Madeleine, at first I was whoaa...but then I do like a bit of blood, guts, and psychological meance!

Gracias, ELLIE!
Yeah, I don't do REAL horror. If I write something that seems gruesome at the outset, you can be certain that an element of humor will be introduced before you can say "Sheboygan Chainsaw Massacre" five times.

~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

HEATHER, I'm happy to know you enjoyed it. Thanks!

And you are correct: one ought never to beat a dead horse nor beat a teenager dead with a dead horse. After all, in most places, there are laws against that, and rightfully so, if you ask me.

Chihuahuas, however... well, they're such small animals that they're kind of hard to miss much. What should be a felony if done with a horse, should be no more than a misdemeanor (if illegal at all) when done with a Chihuahua.
;o)

~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'

Mr. Paulboygan VI said...

Sheboygan getting more bad press! Aww.

In a followup story, perhaps your character should make bail and switch from bludgeoning teens with Chihuahuas to pounding Chihuahuas with teens. I hate Chihuahuas almost as much as tattoos.

Funny stuffs!. I totally missed all the hidden lyrics, though.

Paulboygan

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

MR. SHEBOYGANBOY SIX ~
Let me assure you that when I use Sheboygan, it is indeed meant in the most complimentary, positive light.

I love, Love, LOVE the name "Sheboygan" (ever have a marshmallow shake in Sheboygan?) One can't even say the name without smiling. And it seems to me that if one is attempting to write something that they hope will be perceived in a humorous way, if they can put the action in Sheboygan, they already have a leg up on the problem.

As far as Chihuahuas go (which isn't far), I don't care for them much either. I prefer a dog that's more like a dog than a yapping cat. But... between Chihuahuas and Tattoos? Gimme Chihuahuas.

And don't worry too much about missing all the song lyrics referenced in this blog bit, McBrother. The fact is, I missed 'em too! Frankly, I have no idea what DiscConnected meant about there being "quite a few allusions to lyrics in there".

The only lyric I consciously included was the line "me and Liz clean up the yard". That is a line from a Warren Zevon song called "Detox Mansion". Any other lyrics that may have sneaked into this blog bit did so unbeknownst to me. (And I don't see any others, but DiscConnected IS the man of a million and one CDs, so he might be seeing stuffs you and I don't. I see pink elephants, but no song lyrics.)

~ Stephenbloke McCowpoke

Madeleine said...

BTW Stephen, you may be interested to know that I've only ever owned one dog in my life and she was...


yes, you've guessed it,
a chihuahua. ;O)

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

MADELEINE ~
Doh! No, not that!
Anything but THAT!

Zombies before Chihuahuas!

Actually, I joke. I pretty much love all animals, although I do greatly prefer big dogs to wee dogs. But worst of all, of course, are the wee-wee dogs ("Take it OUTSIDE!")

I like cats that think their dogs and dogs that KNOW they're dogs. I will pet a Chihuahua - and even a Poodle - but only if the dog insists that I do.

But all animals, both great and small, are cool with me. Heck, I won't even genuinely go fishing for fear of actually catching one. I'll take a fishing rod and a case of beer, but I'm careful to leave the hooks and the bait at home. For me, fishing is really all about the buzz, the nap, and the sunburn.
:o)

~ Stephen McMe

Madeleine said...

LOL, well she wasn't a typical chihuahua, people said she looked like Bambi! :O)

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

MADELEINE ~
Well, that's certainly good to hear. I prefer atypical Chihuahuas to typical Chihuahuas.
;o)

~ D-FensDogg
(Non-Yapping Dogg Of The Larger Breeds)

Marjorie said...

As always you crack me up, Stephen.

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

MARJORIE ~
Show me the money.
;o)

~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'

Lisa said...

Hi Stephen,
No comment on the story since I am a lover/owner of a couple of those yappy ole Chihuahuas. :)
I do think it was well written, if a little ghoulish.
I just stopped by to reply to a comment you left on my last post as I can't email you (long story, really). All is well in Texas. I hope the same for you.

Lisa

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

LISA ~
Thanks! And thanks for stopping by.

~ D-FensDogg
[Non-Yapping Variety]

Talei said...

Well, this is inspiring. I have a dog - and if he steps out of line. I may have to threaten him with the Chihuahua treatment. ;)

Nicely written, I'm seeing bag ladies in a new light now. Mad, bad and dangerous.

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

Ha! Thanks, TALEI.
Yeah, I think bag ladies are kind of the clowns of the homeless: they're supposed to be goofy and harmless but they're really sinister and scary!

Someday I should make a movie called "Night Of The Zombie Bag Ladies" or something.

~ D-FensDogg McMe

Roland D. Yeomans said...

This was truly funny in a totally twisted, out of the box manner. Great job.

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

ROLAND ~
Hey, thanks mucho, Brother! I appreciate your (complimentary) comment.

So I'm thinking about the guidelines: Someone must lose something with positive results for both the finder and the loser. What's the wackiest thing I can have my protagonist lose? His mind! He loses his mind and... someone else finds it.

Given that scenario, this was the most civilized and least disturbed story I could come up with. You should see some of the storylines I DISCARDED!
:o)

Thanks again!

~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'

gideon 86 said...

At first I was appalled... really. But then as the cat woman came into play, I ended up loving it. It takes a lot for me to be interested in something so gruesome.

Excellent!

Michael

Roland D. Yeomans said...

Thanks for the kind comment you left on my own entry in Madeleine's blogfest. Now, if I can only get an agent to feel the same way!

Happy Halloween and may all be treats with no tricks.

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

GIDEON 86 ~
Ha!-Ha! Well, THANKS! And believe me, I really do know what you're saying. Some might find this difficult to believe, but I dislike the Horror genre in movies nearly as much as I dislike the Martial Arts/Action genre, and writing something of this nature was somewhat unusual for me.

However, it was my great love of Black Comedy that made it possible. I do have - I'll admit - a wicked appreciation for the more high-brow Black Comedy (is that a contradiction in terms?)

Anytime I'm going to stoop to writing something of "The Chihuahua Cutthroat" nature, it's a sure bet I will approach it in a kind of "Not to be taken seriously-Ed Wood-ian-"So bad it's almost good" sort of way. I'm glad ya liked it, Brother. It was truly something of a departure for me and I'm a bit surprised by the positive feedback it has received.


ROLAND ~
Hey, I meant what I said. If you really want it, you keep on keeping on and I am sure you will achieve the kind of success you desire. There are individuals already being published who don't write as well as you do now, so why not YOU? Your time will come if you keep working toward the goal.

~ Stephen
"As a dog returns to his own vomit,
so a fool repeats his folly."
~ Proverbs 26:11

farawayeyes said...

'Not to betaken seriously-Ed Wood-ian-So bad it's almost good'

I loved this. Although, If I didn't already know you, I might not have gotten past the first paragraph.

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

BABSKIDDO ~
I think it's safe to say that the first paragraph DID NOT set the tone for what was to come.

Yeah, with this thing - which just rattled lickety-split off my fingers - I think I wrote one of the darkest of Black Comedies. Me likes that!

~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'