PHOENIX, AIRHEADZONA, IS A STRANGE CITY, MAN!

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Hey, man, is it 2010 already?
Whoa! That musta been some good sh#t I was smokin'!

Last Monday afternoon I was driving home after having gone out for lunch, and as I pulled up to the traffic light at the intersection of North 35th Avenue and Cheryl Drive in the vicinity of the Metrocenter Mall, I happened to glance over to my left and saw some Chicano-style graffiti spray-painted on a wall. Nothing unusual about that. I mean, sometimes I get the impression that there isn’t anything except dried graffiti paint holding the entire city of Phoenix together.

But then suddenly my mind said: Whoa! Wait a minute there, dude! Did that REALLY say what it looked like it said?

So, I did a double take and sure enough, that’s EXACTLY what it said! A big smile spread over my face and I think I even chuckled out loud.

On Tuesday, I called my brother Nappy at work and asked him if on his way home he would swing by that location and take a picture of the graffiti with his cell phone camera. I definitely wanted to make a photographic record of this before the city had a chance to paint over it (that is if this bankrupt city can somehow find the funds to paint over it).

My first thought was to save this thing for use in my next installment of ‘Sex, Tattoos, & Violence R Us’ on my other Blog ‘Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends’. But my second thought was: Nah! This is too funny and too hot to wait. And besides, who knows when I’ll be putting together another installment of ‘S.T.& V. R Us’?

So, I’m posting this now while the graffiti artist’s work still exists and before it has been faded by the Phoenix sun into a Seattle-grey. Who would have ever expected to see something like THIS spray-painted on a wall in 2010? . . .
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[Photos by Nappy McCarthy]

My Brother didn’t even complain 'too much' about driving there to photograph the wall because there is a special, little rebellious place in both of our hearts for Cheech Y Chong.

Back in 1973, a neighbor living across the street from us in Santa Monica, California, had the new Cheech Y Chong LP ‘Los Cochinos’ and we would occasionally go over there to his house to listen to the album, knowing that we were hearing things that our tender young ears were not meant to be hearing. That was back before the words “Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics” were printed on the covers of recordings of this type. But nevertheless, we could tell that some nasty things were being said, even if we didn’t actually understand all of them. Young Rebels were we! Sneakin’ in the movies and listenin’ to “dirty” records.
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[Cheech Y Chong: "Los Cochinos"]

Some of these comedic sketches made such an impression on our minds that both Nappy and I have been quoting from Cheech And Chong on a regular basis – actually, on a “weekly” if not a “daily” basis – for nearly the last four decades.

Although neither of us McCarthy Bros. were dope-smokers, it’s guaranteed that not a week passes without either Nappy or myself (or even both of us) using at least one of the following Cheech And Chong lines:

“You just gotta know how to lay it on them dudes, man.”

“Hey, we did it, man!”
“We were so slick, man!”

“What's the hassle, man? Are you giving us a hassle, man?”

“Oh, wow, man, you drive just like Steve McQueen!”
“Yeah.”

And, let’s face it, anyone with a lick of sense knows that it ain’t officially Christmastime until you’ve heard the classic Cheech And Chong Yuletide skit ‘Santa Claus And His Old Lady.’ Funny stuffs, man, funny stuffs!

I’ll never forget the time about six years ago when my Nephew was here at the house and started telling me this funny joke he’d heard recently. He had barely gotten into the Cheech And Chong skit ‘Cheborneck’ before I interrupted him and said, “Dude, I was laughing at that joke 20 years before you were even born!”

Speaking of “Cheborneck”, a few years before my Ma passed away, I had actually taught her a little C & C. Whenever I said to her, “Let’s go eat”, she would reply, “Yah, eat!”

Yah, no doubt about it, Cheech And Chong could be downright crude and rude, but let’s give them their due: whether you ever smoked a doobie or not, C & C comedy sketches like ‘Sargent Stadanko’ [sic], ‘The Strawberry Revival Festival’, ‘White World Of Sports’, and ‘Basketball Jones’ represent the highest form of lowbrow comedy. In my opinion, ‘Pedro And Man At The Drive-Inn’ [sic] is one of the funniest comedy routines ever conceived, representing Cheech And Chong’s high-water mark. (There’s that word “high” again.) Man, if you don’t think 'Pedro And Man At The Drive-Inn' is funny, you need to loosen your tie and drink yourself a smoke!

Truthfully, I never go a week without quoting from one Cheech Y Chong routine or another. And, NO! – I’m NOT ashamed of that!

In fact, a few of you may have recently read my Blog Bit here at ‘Stephen T. McCarthy STUFFS’ titled ‘O’Dogherty Interviews McCarthy’, and if so, you were probably mildly puzzled when at one point I said right out of the blue, “Tell them that you heard it here first on Roller Derby.” If you asked yourself, “Where the hell did THAT come from?!” I’ll answer that question for you right here and now: That line was ripped off, man, from the Cheech Y Chong skit ‘Evelyn Woodhead Speed Reading Course’. So, now yaz know.

But, really, to find “Cheech & Chong” spray-painted on a wall in 2010! . . . What can I say, man, but that Phoenix is a very strange city.

Cheech: “It is not, man.”

Chong: “It is too, man.”

Cheech: It is NOT, man!”

Chong: It is TOO, man!”

~ Stephen T. McCarthyman

YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.
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TOMCAT UP A TREE

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They aren't oak. They aren't pine. They aren't palm, fir, redwood, dogwood, or eucalyptus. Truth is, I don't know what kind of trees they are. But they're growing near my place of employment, and ever since (what we in Phoenix call...) "Winter" got here, they've been standing there all undressed.

I never paid much notice to these trees until they lost their leaves. Then I found them really interesting, particularly because of the lighting at night. They stand directly below tall street lights which give them a very stark, harsh, and dramatic appearance once it gets dark.

I had been thinking for a month or more that I really ought to photograph these trees, and last Saturday, I finally remembered to borrow brother Nappy's cell phone before going to work so I could take some pictures about 10:00 P.M.

Unfortunately, these little cell phone camera photos don't come anywhere near to doing the trees justice. Much of the effect that I appreciate is lost. Nevertheless, I'm posting these shots below because they do, at least, hint at how cool the real things look up close and personal. (Although you don't ever want to get TOO personal with a tree.)
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While I was preparing to post these photos above, I was reminded of another "tree picture" - one that I myself did not take but which I really dig. Below is one of my all-time favorite celebrity photos. I don't know who the photographer was nor when the picture was taken, but it shows singer/songwriter Tom Waits up a tree. (But it was better than being "Up Sh#t Creek Again", wasn't it Tom?)
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. . . . . . . . . . . . . [Tomcat Up A Tree]

I'd bet a Bit O'Change that it was Ol' Tom who came up with the idea for this picture and not the photographer; it just has that "Made In The Mind Of Tom Waits" stamp all over it.

Now, if I could just convince the dude to come to the location where I work and stand in MY trees for awhile . . .

~ Stephen T. McCarthy

YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.
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DUST JACKETS & ARGYLE SOX

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So there I was yesterday sitting in a booth at Sweet Tomatoes and having a big salad for lunch because it’s good for me and all that jazz. And seated a few booths down from me is this lanky woman in a really cool, pale grey T-shirt with a white and light green argyle diamond pattern on its front and dark green crisscrossing lines throughout. I wanted that shirt. I wanted that shirt bad! And I would have been tempted to go over there and try to charm that woman out of it if it hadn’t been for that dude seated next to her with the sidearm hanging from his belt.

But that got me to thinking about that recent interview I agreed to do with Yoey O’Dogherty - that fifteen minute interview I endured without a drink and which very nearly killed me! And I was reminded of how I badly muffed one of the questions. Mr. O’Dogherty axed me, “What is something most people don't know about you?” I answered something about vegetarianism and Tiny Tim. Acceptable answers, I suppose. But that stranger’s shirt made me realize I could have answered mo' better.

DUST JACKETS:

One thing very few people know about me and which I can’t fully and rationally explain is my dislike of dust jackets on hardcover books. I don’t exactly know why I don’t like them but I almost always throw them in the trash. These jackets always seem to be in the way and causing trouble everytime I open a book that’s wearing one; they slip around and get caught between the pages and are just a pain and a nuisance!

Unless the dust jacket has a design on its front that I especially like, or unless it has a photograph of Senator Joseph McCarthy displayed upon it (and you’d be surprised how many books about McCarthy do), usually the first thing I do upon acquiring a hardcover book is trash the dust jacket. Besides the nuisance factor, I want to see what the book REALLY looks like underneath that paper cover: What color is the book truly? Which font was used to print the book’s title across the spine? And after I’ve read a book, I like the book to look like it’s been read. I see no reason to keep it pristine and hiding underneath some annoying paper dust cover.

Sometimes a dust jacket contains biographical information about the book’s author on its inside flap – information that I might occasionally wish to hang on to. In those cases, I will take a pair of scissors, cut the flap off the dust jacket and tuck it inside the book somewhere, tossing out the remainder of the jacket.
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The last book I finished reading (last Friday) was ‘THE NEAREST FARAWAY PLACE: Brian Wilson, The Beach Boys And The Southern California Experience’ by Timothy White. My good friend The Flying Aardvark gave me this book for Christmas. Shown above is the book’s dust jacket, which I had to dig out of the trash in order to take this photograph. Up with books but down with dust jackets! Out! Out! Throw ‘em out!

ARGYLE SOCKS:

Another very, very important thing about me which few people know is that I really like to wear argyle socks. And the more colorful the better.
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My Ma used to give me a new pair of argyle socks every Christmas and on my birthdays. She passed away in 2005, but I still wear some of the socks she gave me. Sadly, however, all of the really colorful ones I wore out long ago; all I have left are the more formal black pairs. I still like ‘em, but they don’t have the same ‘zing’ that some of my older, more colorful argyles did.

My favorites were a pair of argyles that were bright yellow with bright red and blue diamond patterns in them. Hmmm… Or maybe they were bright red with bright blue and yellow diamond patterns. Well, at any rate, they were the primary colors. But my toes wore holes through them many long years ago and they’ve since gone to that Great Argyle Sockland in the sky. Poor sox! Poor, poor sox.

Yeah, like a top-of-the-line Cabernet Sauvignon from Beaulieu Vineyard, I’m a rather complex character: Lots of standout opulent cassis, with lovely undertones of raspberry, boysenberry and chuckberry. The palate is ripe and laden with layers of cedar, spice and leather – black leather, bad to the bone! With tobacco hints that linger. A smooth balance of acid, fruit and tannins with sweet floral notes (but not TOO sweet and not TOO floral, if you know what I mean). Well structured and bright with a supple, satisfying finish. Yup. That’s us, Beaulieu Vineyard Cabernet and me.

But buried deep underneath all of those good things making up my character, there’s also a circus clown trying to get out. The only time we see traces of him is when I take off my boots or post some stuffs on my Blogs.

~ Stephen T. McCarthy

YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.
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"AINTS" NO MO' Backed With MR. TOAD'S WILD, DRUNKEN RIDE

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Surely you are familiar with the Top 40 song “AINTS” NO MO’. It was recorded by Stinkin’ Stephen And The Naked Emperors and it goes like this:

Hokey-Smoke! What an entertaining Super Bowl that was last night. Of course, they’re always most enjoyable when the team I’m rooting for wins, but regardless of who has won and who has lost, we have been treated to some really spectacular Super Bowls over the last decade or so. And the XLIVth was yet another super Super Bowl. In this one, the New Orleans Saints beat the favored Indianapolis Colts 31-17 – a game much closer than the score indicates.
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The previous Sunday, my brother Nappy and I had gone over to the house of my friend The Great L.C. and while we were there, L.C. showed me a few old black and white photos he has of New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton when Sean was maybe ten years old. You see, in their young boyhoods, L.C. and Sean both lived in the same Philadelphia area neighborhood and played together as little kids.

One photo showed little Sean Payton pounding a nail into a piece of wood. I joked that the caption for that photo should be “Sean Payton hammering out a Super Bowl game plan.”

Speaking of Super Bowl game plans, I went from cursing Payton to bowing before him in the span of about 30 minutes last night:

Shortly before the end of the second quarter, with the Saints trailing only slightly and in possession of the ball on the Colts’ 1 or 2 yard line, Payton ran a play on 4th down, going for the touchdown rather than taking the easy 3-point field goal. “Dumb! Dumb! Dumb!” I yelled at my TV screen. Unless your team is well behind in a game and you’re running out of chances to stage a comeback, you ALWAYS, ALWAYS take the all-but-guaranteed points by kicking the field goal. It was way too early in the game and the Saints were way too far from “desperation time” to be taking a chance going for the touchdown. The field goal was as much a “Gimme” as you’ll ever see on a football field.

As the Saints were lining up to go for the ill-advised and ill-fated touchdown attempt, I yelled, “Only a friend of L.C.’s would do something this stupid!” Momentarily forgetting that I myself am one of L.C.’s friends.

Well, the Saints didn’t make the touchdown and turned the ball over. As luck would have it, the Colts couldn’t move the ball and had to punt, resulting anyway in an eventual field goal for the Saints just before the first half ended. But the Saints were just darned fortunate that it worked out that way, and in an important game like the Super Bowl, you’re a fool if you’re going to count on good fortune smiling on you.

So, I was pretty mad at Sean Payton during The Who’s embarrassing halftime performance. (Oh, come on Pete Townshend! Nobody wants to see an old, grizzled grandpa Rock star with a scarf on his balding head and a guitar in his wrinkled hands. Now if The Who had come out on stage with the aid of walkers and wheelchairs and played ‘My Generation’ – “Hope I die before I get old!” – that would have been a truly classic, hilarious, and forever memorable moment. But I guess old rockers just have too much ego and too little humor to make fun of themselves in such a "super" way.)

Anyway, all of my disgust with Sean Payton evaporated the moment I saw his team pull that onside kick to begin the second half. When I saw that ball gently punched up into the air off the kicker’s foot, my jaw fell open, just like 100 million other jaws around the world fell open. Of course, for the players on the Indianapolis Colts the reaction must have been even more extreme. I imagine their jaws fell open and then their brains spilled out of their open mouths and slid down the front of their jerseys.

I generally try to avoid using this type of phraseology – much too crude for my tastes – but in this case, it’s the only adequate way of describing it: That surprising onside kick the Saints pulled on the Colts to start the third quarter was the ballsiest play-calling I’ve ever seen. Getting away with it in a Super Bowl, no less, only hightens the magnitude and shock and awe of it all. Anyone who says they weren’t stunned by it is blatantly lying!

Even as the players were still in a dogpile and fighting for possession of the football, I told brother Nappy, “No matter how this turns out – even if the Colts wind up with the ball – I will never second-guess Payton for this move. It was brilliant! No matter what, it was pure genius!”

Well, when the Saints emerged with the ball, I’ll bet half of the Indianapolis Colts knew they were destined to lose this game.

As it turned out, the Saints drove down the field for a touchdown, and the Colts, on their next possession, did the same. The less astute football fans will come away thinking that the onside kick then wasn’t a significant factor. WRONG! Don’t forget that the Saints wound up with one more possession in the game that they wouldn’t have had otherwise, and the Colts had one less possession than they ought to have had because it was stolen away from them. That’s HUGE! In technical football terminology that is what’s known as “The Ol’ Double Whammy.”

So, 30 minutes after I was cussing out Saints head coach Sean Payton, I was calling him a genius. Football’s fickle.

Then later in the game, my jaw fell open for the second time. Going for a 2-point conversion, Saints quarterback Drew Brees threw to Lance Moore near the right sideline. It appeared for all the world to see that Moore had not been able to catch the ball beyond the goal line. But the first time I saw the overhead slow-motion replay I knew that the officials’ call would be challenged and overturned.

Lance Moore’s catch was the second greatest display of athleticism I have ever seen in a Super Bowl. Watch the video clip linked at the bottom of this Blog Bit and try to understand the presence of mind, body control, and arm and hand strength it requires to make a play like this! I could hardly believe what I had seen and I told my brother, “This is why professional football players must be considered some of the greatest athletes in the world.” Let’s see a Serena Williams do THIS!

But of course, the New Orleans Saints didn’t win this football game all by themselves. I want my credit for giving them a big assist. For one thing, I made sure my Miami Dolphins sun screen was displayed in my truck’s windshield prior to kickoff. (It’s a long story; maybe I’ll tell it some day.) Also, before the game, I played ‘When The Saints Go Marching In’ by New Orleans-born Jazzman Louis “Satchmo” Armstrong, and I played ‘When The Saints Go Marching In’ by New Orleans-born Jazzman Louis Prima, and I also cranked up Van Morrison’s song ‘All Saints Day.’ So, I did my part, too!

Well, anyway, let’s not argue about who did the most to win Super Bowl XLIV for the Saints. It doesn’t matter whether it was me, or Brees, or Payton, or Moore, or that bloke Porter who intercepted the ball from Peyton Manning late in the game. The bottom line is that the right team won.

My heartiest congratulations to New Orleans fans everywhere. YOUR SAINTS AIN’T “AINTS” NO MO’!

The “B” or “flip side” of this hit single is called MR. TOAD’S WILD, DRUNKEN RIDE and it goes like this:

In late December or early January, while my Brother was in his bathroom taking a quick, five-minute shower, I borrowed his cell phone camera to take a picture for a Blog Bit I planned to post here at ‘Stuffs.’ I photographed a bottle of Grand Marnier before a background of flames and titled the shot “Grand Marnier: Devil’s Drink” and later posted it in a Blog installment I called ‘Yakkin’ With Rock Stars Nils ‘N’ Norman.’

After Nappy completed his shower, I handed him his cell phone and asked him to send the image to our computer. He looked at the picture and asked, “How’d you do that?” He knew that I had somehow arranged it in just five minutes and he also knew that I had not built a fire in our fireplace.

Here’s how it was done so quickly:

Back in 1990, my then-girlfriend went to Disneyland and spent a day filming all of my favorite rides and locations, thus creating a souvenir video customized for me personally. This she later presented to me as a gift. Well, I loved it then and I love it still – especially since I now live in Airheadzona and will probably never step within the gates of The Magic Kingdom again.

One thing she shot for me was the entire ‘Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride’ attraction; she managed to get every part of the interior ride on film.
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So, wanting to create a hellish atmosphere for my Grand Marnier photograph, I set up a small stepstool in front of my television screen; then I covered the stepstool with my Mother’s old J. Peterman Company bright red “Winter Silence” nightshirt (a gift from me to her in 2003). And lastly, I placed the Grand Marnier bottle on top of the draped stepstool, put my Disneyland souvenir video into the player and did a freeze-frame at the point during the Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride attraction when the guest's car rumbles through Mr. Toad’s own private hell. And voila! - Grand Marnier in the Devil’s Domain!
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Look closely at the photograph and you will detect a kind of moire effect in the flames because they aren’t really flames at all; they’re a Disneyland special effect being displayed on a TV screen.

If nothing else, blogging forces me to try to think somewhat creatively at times, and it has taught me the truth of the great old maxim, “Where there's a hell, there's a way!”

Ukulelely Yours,

~ Stephen T. McCarthy

YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.

Links:

Most Athletic Play In Super Bowl History

2nd Most Athletic Play In Super Bowl History
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O'DOGHERTY INTERVIEWS McCARTHY (Or, DUMB YAKS WITH DUMBER OR VICE VERSA)

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The subtitle of this Blog installment is: ‘EVERYTHING YOU NEVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT STEPHEN T. McCARTHY AND WERE WISE NOT TO ASK.’ This is the 50th Anniversary Director’s Cut With Bonus Material And Commentary Track. It’s destined to become a much sought-after collector’s item.
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. . . . . . . [Black Cole Kid when he was a kid.]

* Blog Bit Background: On January 22nd, blogger Judy Harper expressed a desire to learn some personal details about Stephen T. McCarthy – stuffs not previously revealed on his Blogs. She wrote: “I would like to see some information on you, the real you!” In an attempt to fulfill Judy’s request, Stephen recently agreed to sit down with journalist Yoey O’Dogherty to be interviewed on behalf of WHAZIT2U? E-zine. What follows is the full text of that interview. All of the questions asked had either been directly submitted to Stephen previously by persons known to him, or were taken from a variety of sources, many of them found elsewhere on the Worldwide Web. In other words, this was a kind of questionnaire pastiche. The sole exception to this formula being “Tapioca?”. Yoey O’Dogherty came up with that question by himself.

O’DOGHERTY: Hello. We’re here today to get the lowdown on wha’z up with Stephen T. McCarthy. Stephen has graciously agreed to sober up long enough to answer some of our questions. Inquiring minds want to learn what makes Stephen so Stepheny. This project has been generously underwritten by the WHAZIT2U? online magazine, and on its behalf, I have collected some questions for Stephen . . .

O’DOGHERTY: Good morning, Stephen.

McCARTHY: Yo. Look, can we make this quick? It’s almost Ten A.M. and I’ve got a drink to— Uhm… That is, I have a plane to catch.

O’DOGHERTY: Sure, Stephen. And thank you for giving us a little of your time so we could conduct this interview. The first thing I’d like to ask you is, what is the biggest problem facing America today?

McCARTHY: Americans.

O’DOGHERTY: How do we fix the economy?

McCARTHY: Why? Is there something wrong with our economy?

I would follow the U.S. Constitution. I would force Congress – a bunch of jerks whose continued employment is dependent upon a satisfied constituency – to accept their responsibility, just as Article One, Section Eight of the U.S. Constitution demands. Rather than allowing Congress to illegally delegate its responsibility to the Federal Reserve – that is, private, international bankers who are not answerable to We The People.

O’DOGHERTY: What’s your political affiliation?

McCARTHY: I’m registered as an Independent. But it would be more accurate to say that I am an “Independent Constitutionalist.”

O’DOGHERTY: Which Christian denomination do you belong to?

McCARTHY: None. I don’t label myself “Christian.” While I have attended a number of various denominational and nondenominational Christian and non-Christian services over the course of my life, I am not and never have been a member of any organized sect or religious body of any kind. My beliefs are more like the aftermath of a Christian Science Laboratory Explosion. You don’t call that “Christianity”, you call it
“Messy-anity.”

O’DOGHERTY: What is your ethnic heritage?

McCARTHY: I’m a mongrel: part Irish, part Scottish, part German, and a Wee Bit O’Mohawk Indian.

O’DOGHERTY: What's the best compliment you've ever received?

McCARTHY: Well, someone called me a “fascist pig”, and another person said I was a “ferret-faced fascist.” Two different fascist animals, but fascist nonetheless. Both of these epithets came from dyed-in-the-wool Liberals, therefore I consider them to be some of the best things ever said about me. I mean, when a Liberal refers to you as a “fascist”, you know you’re doing something right, right?

O’DOGHERTY: How many seeds are on the average strawberry?

McCARTHY: Two hundred.

O’DOGHERTY: Hey, how’d you know?

McCARTHY: I saw it mentioned the other day in the same place you did.

O’DOGHERTY: What is you favorite movie?

McCARTHY: Koyaanisqatsi: Life Out Of Balance.

O’DOGHERTY: What’s the funniest movie you’ve ever seen?

McCARTHY: Overall, probably ‘Planes, Trains, And Automobiles.’ But the single funniest movie scene ever is probably when Ralphie goes to meet the department store Santa in ‘A Christmas Story.’ That always leaves me with tears of laughter in my eyes. I’m a sucker for great black comedy. “I hate the smell of tapioca.”

O’DOGHERTY: Tapioca?

McCARTHY: Never mind; you had to be here.

O’DOGHERTY: Do you prefer—-

McCARTHY: Gin. Definitely gin.

O’DOGHERTY: . . . fiction or nonfiction books?

McCARTHY: Oh. Sorry. I thought you were going to say “gin or vodka.” Nonfiction. Definitely nonfiction. Most fiction reading is a waste of limited, valuable time that could be spent learning important life stuffs.

O’DOGHERTY: What is your favorite book?

McCARTHY: The Holy Bible. Preferably the George M. Lamsa translation from the ancient Aramaic; that’s the language that Jesus spoke.

O’DOGHERTY: How often do you read The Bible?

McCARTHY: I read The Bible nearly every day – three chapters a day but five on the Sabbath. This takes me through the entire Word Of God, from Genesis to Revelation, over the course of a year. I’ve read the entire Bible for each of the last 14 or 15 years of my life.

O’DOGHERTY: Which is your favorite “book” of The Bible?

McCARTHY: 1st John. Defintely the First Epistle of John.

O’DOGHERTY: Why?

McCARTHY: Because I’ve always felt that, encapsulated in just those five chapters, is the entire message of The Holy Bible. I’ve always said that if someone took my Bible from me but left me 1st John, I would still be in possession of the knowledge that Jesus came to “this world” to teach us. If we could only learn to unwaveringly live those five brief chapters of 1st John, we would, in essence, be living the fullness of the message of God and Christ.

O’DOGHERTY: What is the first thing you will say to Jesus when you are face to Face?

McCARTHY: DOH!

O’DOGHERTY: Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?

McCARTHY: Probably a few folks do, but most don’t care.

O’DOGHERTY: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?

McCARTHY: Three. Well, truthfully . . . the world may never know.

O’DOGHERTY: Who put the Ram in the Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong?

McCARTHY: Oh, come on! If we’re going to do this interview thing then at least take it seriously! Don’t be asking me questions that everybody already knows the answers to.

O’DOGHERTY: What is your favorite song?

McCARTHY: Well, my favorite musical composition of all time is Glenn Miller’s ‘Moonlight Serenade.’ My favorite song – meaning a tune with lyrics – is Norman Greenbaum’s ‘Spirit In The Sky.’

O’DOGHERTY: Stephen, Judy Harper, author of the Blog ‘Sixty Is Just The Beginning’, has submitted seven questions she would like me to ask you. Her questions, as you know, were the inspiration for this interview.

McCARTHY: Yeah. I’d be glad to answer Judy’s questions because she seems like a very nice lady. In fact, she looks a lot like my Mom did at one time. The first time I saw Judy’s photograph on ‘Sixty Is Just The Beginning’ I was kind of shocked by it.

Last Monday, I brought her picture up on the computer monitor and then I called my brother Napoleon over and all I said to him was, “Look at this picture.” I kid you not, he examined the photo for no more than three seconds before saying, “There’s some Mom in her!”

So, yes, I’d be glad to answer Judy’s questions because, heck, she’s almost like family.

O’DOGHERTY: OK. Judy’s first question is: “What do you mean by ‘Non-Profit’? What kind of work is non-profit? With you it could mean out of work?”

McCARTHY: No. On my Blogger Profile Page I listed my career category as “Non-Profit” because I had listed my job as “The Town Drunk” and being The Town Drunk is certainly not profitable.

O’DOGHERTY: Judy asks, “Why do you feel that to get your message across, you have to be so negative about yourself and wrap your posts with so much B.S.?”

McCARTHY: Hmmm… She says “B.S.” like it’s a bad thing.

I’m guessing that when she speaks of me being negative about myself she’s referring to my self-deprecating sense of humor. If so, maybe I should point out that only a person who secretly harbors a good deal of self-confidence can afford to make jokes about himself or herself. A person who truly fears that he is an idiot is not likely to point that out to others. On the contrary, he is likely to hide it and wear a false front of braggadocio. For instance, I don’t really think I’m the world’s biggest maroon. In fact, I’m merely “Dumb.” You, Yoey, you’re really the “Dumber.”

O’DOGHERTY: Hey! Wait a minute!

McCARTHY: That’s not a question. Next question . . .

O’DOGHERTY: Judy says, “One of my favorite people is Dean Martin, a funny, generous man, but not many people knew that he wasn't an alcoholic or drunk. He rarely drank, yet that's how he's remembered. Wonder if that's what he really wanted?”

McCARTHY: Well, I’m sure Judy knows much more about Dean Martin than I do. I do, however, like a couple of his stuffs such as ‘Bells Are Ringing’ and his last movie with Jerry Lewis, ‘Hollywood Or Bust.’ The professional critics pretty much dislike both of those movies, but then I pretty much dislike the professional critics, so THERE!

Yes, I read years ago that despite his reputation, Dean Martin really wasn’t much of a drinker. The story is that he’d stand around all night with the same drink in his hand, but because he was rarely seen sans drink, he acquired the reputation as a big boozer.

This may all be true, but as I understand it, Dean really didn’t do much if anything to discourage the propagating of this boozing reputation and may have even enjoyed feeding it by saying things to help it along. But I’m no expert on Dean Martin.

As for my own reputation as “A Man Of The Sauce”, I’d like to repeat a couple of things I’ve said previously: First of all, any man who drank even half as much as I like to make out that I do, would have died of cirrhosis of the liver a decade or two ago. I trust that the few people who read my stuffs realize this and don’t take all the boozing talk too seriously. It’s true that in my youth I was a major booze hound, but the body can’t tolerate that kind of abuse into the third decade. But as I’ve also said, “When a person finds a shtick that works for them, they shtick with it.”

However, there is also a method to my madness. It may not be a good method, but it isn’t random. I have only revealed this to a couple of people and probably shouldn’t be speaking of it publicly now but . . . what the hell.

I’ve been known to say that EVERYTHING I write is an attempt to make people think about God. Now, someone might ask, “How is writing about drinking, or how is writing really over-the-top wacky things an attempt to make people think about God?”

What I am hoping when I post the loony stuffs is that someone somewhere might come across it and maybe think “Hey, this guy’s a bit interesting” or perhaps they will be somewhat amused by something I’ve written, and out of curiosity, they will begin to explore some of the other things I’ve posted. Well, if they do, I know it’s only a matter of time before they come across some of the things I’ve written about spirituality and religion. And then my hope is that they think, “Whoa! Hold on! You mean this guy believes in God and Christ? THIS crazy S.O.B. knows Jesus?” And then presumably, that gets them thinking that one can actually be religious and still be loony and have a good deal of fun.

You see, I think there’s a misconception out there – and prior to accepting Jesus, I myself entertained this misconception – that once a person accepts Jesus they become some boring, staid, shell of a human being. A lot of people believe that in coming to Jesus you are primarily robbed of your personality. But this is untrue. A lifeless, boring Christian was probably also a lifeless, boring non-Christian prior to finding Jesus. Accepting your Atonement through Christ does not automatically transform everyone into a "Mr. Guder". Oh, to be sure, in embracing Jesus and His principles, your life, your thinking, your values are going to change – they would have to! But you don’t have to abandon your personality. Yes, you’re going to be required to surrender your “life” but you will gain “Life” and you will get to keep your personality – goofy though it may be.

Ideally, I would like people to read some of my stuffs and think, “Wow! I didn’t know you could love Jesus AND be the crazy bastard next door!”

O’DOGHERTY: Judy wants to know: “Why is it important for you to get the message of Jesus Christ across?”

McCARTHY: Who?! Never heard of Him.

Alright, it’s important because, first of all, Jesus really does exist; He really is the Messiah; He really did walk the Earth; and He really was crucified and Resurrected to save us from ourselves by permanently cleansing us of our consciousness of sin and guilt. Accepting the Atonement of Christ is, ultimately, the only Way to God our Father.

Furthermore, I have a great deal of gratitude for what Jesus has done for me in a very personal way. He came to retrieve me when I was totally lost and not seeking Him at all. Jesus came looking for me; I didn’t go looking for Him. I might never have come to Him if he hadn’t voluntarily acted to save my sorry butt.

Beginning in 1992, I had a series of spiritual experiences that, over time, significantly changed my lifestyle and the way I thought. On January 14th of that year, God utilized a sort of Socratic method to force me to mentally convict myself of “missing the mark.” I was lying in bed with the lights out and my eyes closed, preparing to fall asleep, when I suddenly heard a Voice in my mind. It was actually my own “inner voice”, my “thinking voice”, but it certainly wasn’t me controlling it and asking the questions.

The Voice asked me, “Would you be willing to die if your dying would be good for people?”

I quickly answered “Yes” mentally, because it’s true.

And immediately, the Voice asked the follow-up question, “Then why aren’t you willing to LIVE to do good for people?”

I sat straight up in my bed in a heartbeat because I KNEW I had just heard from God and that I was letting Him down and wasting my life.

Over the years, I had a few more spiritual encounters which are nearly impossible to describe because I don’t believe there are any words that can translate into meaningful spoken language some religious experiences. But on April 6th, 1994, I believe that Jesus baptized me with The Holy Spirit, using my own tears for the water. I’ve been trying to live my calling since then with mixed results. But the one thing I can say with confidence is that Jesus Christ is my personal Savior and my Holy King. Jesus is my Big Brother, and “it’s good to be the brother of The King!”

O’DOGHERTY: Judy wants to know, “Is Stephen McCarthy your real name?”

McCARTHY: No, Stephen T. McCarthy is not my real name. And neither is Black Cole Kid, Trummy Tewksbury, Fred Gurley, Mr. Intense, Mr. Twoscoops, Herbert K. Foxglove, Brodie “The Mad Scotsman”, “Lonesome Dogg” McMe, or Louie Banana. These are all pseudonyms and nicknames of mine.

My real name is highly classified information because I work in security for the C.I.A. - they wouldn’t have me in the MAF-I-A. Nah, I’m kidding. Two organized crime families I would never work for are the C.I.A. and the I.R.S. However, I really do work in Security. Not Insecurity, but in … pause … Security.

And by the way, in case anyone was wondering, I based “Lonesome Dogg” McMe on ‘Lonesome Dog Blues’ - an old song by Lightnin’ Hopkins.

O’DOGHERTY: Judy asks, “How about your family?”

McCARTHY: Like myself, my brother Napoleon, or Nappy – not his “real name” either – is a lifelong bachelor. We live together here in Phoenix, Airheadzona. My Sister, who is married with two children – 17 and 20 years of age – lives very nearby in Phoenix but we see each other irregularly. I have extended family in Northern California and in Southern California, where I was born and raised. Also some extended family in Ohio, Kentucky, and Tennessee. But I’m no longer in touch with most of them.

My Pa passed away in 1996, due to an immune system failure after contracting chicken pox, and my Ma passed away in 2005 due to complications from diabetes. I couldn’t have dreamed of better parents; I was always extremely close to both of them and in my adulthood, they were my best friends. I miss them both terribly and look forward to seeing them again some fine day.

O’DOGHERTY: Judy has made this suggestion: “Maybe you should start a calendar so that on Sunday, Wednesday and Friday, you talk about your real passion and Tuesday and Thursday you give us your writing? And then Saturday could be your B.S. day, because I think you really love doing it!”

McCARTHY: What?! Only one day for B.S.ing? Oh, that would never do! I’m starting to get the impression that Judy doesn’t like my B.S.

In truth, I’m afraid a schedule like that would never work for me. First, I couldn’t possibly concoct a new Blog Bit every day. And even if I could, that would quickly begin to feel like a “job” – but worse than a job because there would be no paycheck associated with it.

No, I’m too much of a free spirit to “schedule” my writing; I only write when I feel inspired to write, and even then, I must work on what I desire to say at that particular time. I gotta go with the flow and let it flow when I gotta go!

O’DOGHERTY: We have some questions here from a couple of other folks whom you also know: Arlee Bird of the Blog ‘Tossing It Out’ would like to know: “But seriously, do you believe in reincarnation?”

McCARTHY: Does a Bear sh—-

O’DOGHERTY: STEPHEN!

McCARTHY: . . . shower after sixty minutes of football at Soldier Field?

O’DOGHERTY: Oops. I thought--

McCARTHY: Please! You gotta have a little more faith in me than that.

O’DOGHERTY: Arlee Bird’s secondary question is: “Is there some Biblical evidence that you can provide that supports this idea?”

McCARTHY: Well, of course there is! I wouldn’t believe in it otherwise. And please let rLEE-b know that I’ll be addressing this very topic on my ‘Stuffs’ Blog in a not too distant future post.

O’DOGHERTY: If you had a previous life, . . . who do you think you may have been?

McCARTHY: I was the Queen of Sheba. Rub my feet, slave, and then draw my bath! And don’t forget my rubber ducky with the diamond bill and the ruby eyes!

Kidding. Right now I have only suspicions about a few past lives I may have had. I do suspect I was probably a female in a previous incarnation and also possibly a Black slave in Civil War era America. Maybe these are the same lifetime.

One day I was meditating when some information seemed to come to me about a possible past life in which I was the son of some man in authority in a town or city in Eastern Europe that had lost its sovereignty to a foreign ruling body. It seems like the name Chadslowsky, or something like that, was associated with me and I died of an illness as a very young boy – maybe five, six or seven years old. My notes are tucked in one of my books but I can’t remember now which book. I did a very cursory investigation once and although I had no previous knowledge of this place and era, the initial things I looked into kind of checked out.

But the one possible past life that I have the strongest feeling about is that I was some long-forgotten, anonymous scribe in ancient Israel. I believe I was present when Jesus rode the donkey into Jerusalem and that I was one of those who believed He was the Messiah and shouted “Hosanna!” when He appeared.

O’DOGHERTY: Stephen, Do you wear any jewelry?

McCARTHY: Sometimes a yarmulke or kippah.

O’DOGHERTY: JEWELRY!

McCARTHY: Oh. Sorry. I thought you said “Jewry.” Other than a watch, the only sort of “jewelry” I wear is a silver cross around my neck. It belonged to my Pa and was a gift to him from my Ma. While his breathing was slowing down in the hospital, his nurse went to turn the cross over to me, but I wouldn’t let go of my Pa’s hand so she tucked the cross into my vest pocket. I put it on shortly after he passed away and I’ve been wearing it ever since. Well, except when working out, showering, and sleeping. Hmmm… Come to think of it, I guess I don’t wear it as often as I thought.

It was a great privilege for me to be holding on to the hands of both my parents as they passed away and returned to God.

O’DOGHERTY: Ms. Venus would like to know: “Did you give up your pain?”

McCARTHY: Of course not! No pain, no brain! Show me someone who isn’t in pain and I’ll show you someone who ain’t thinkin’ much.

O’DOGHERTY: What is your favorite color?

McCARTHY: Well now, I guess that makes this an official interview, doesn’t it? I mean, it just ain’t no kinda interview that anyone could take seriously unless the interviewee is axed what their favorite color is. Well, to put the official stamp of approval on this interview, I will tell you that my favorite color is Green. By the way, my least favorite color is red. I love pink though. Go figure.

O’DOGHERTY: Which illegal drugs have you tried?

McCARTHY: I smoked pot just once. For years, a couple of my pot-smoking friends had been pestering me to try it. I really wasn’t interested, but one night I finally relented, only to shut them up. I made them swear that if I tried it that once they would never bug me about it again. They promised, so I inhaled. Yes, I inhaled, thus killing any chance I ever had of becoming President of the United States.

To the credit of my friends, they kept their end of the bargain and never asked me to smoke a doobie again. And oddly, I didn’t feel any effects from the joint I smoked at all.

One other time – in maybe ’81 or ’82 - I had sworn off alcohol for like three weeks. It was the longest three years of my life. While in this process of torturing myself, I was at a party with all my buddies, The League Of Soul Crusaders, and I was the only one not having a real good time. Somebody offered to give me a Quaalude. I remember going ‘round and ‘round inside my mind, debating with myself about whether or not I should take it. After all, it WASN’T alcohol! In the end I finally decided to . . . damned if I can remember. In all honesty, to this day, I can’t recall whether I finally decided to take the Quaalude or not. Sometimes I think I did and sometimes I think I didn’t. Mostly I think I didn’t. . . . Unless I did.

The only illegal drug I ever had any genuine curiosity about was hallucinogenic mushrooms. I never tried them though.

O’DOGHERTY: Have you ever been arrested?

McCARTHY: Once. But not here – in Mexico. On April 23rd or 24th of 1983.

O’DOGHERTY: How did that happen?

McCARTHY: Loudly.

O’DOGHERTY: I mean, how come?

McCARTHY: Margaritas kicked my butt but I refused to say “Uncle!”

O’DOGHERTY: What NFL team are you rooting for in Super Bowl XLIV?

McCARTHY: That’s none of your damned business!

O’DOGHERTY: What Is Your Favorite Sport?

McCARTHY: To play? Baseball. To watch? Women’s Beach Volleyball.

O’DOGHERTY: Who is Your Favorite Artist?

McCARTHY: Edward Hopper. Definitely Edward Hopper. Although there is a number of relatively obscure watercolorists whose works I also dearly love.

O’DOGHERTY: Do you collect anything?

McCARTHY: Yeah. For many years I’ve collected what I call “Motion Pens.” Some folks refer to them as Floaty Pens. These are those souvenir ballpoint pens – usually made in Denmark – with an illustration or picture in a clear plastic segment of the pen’s body. When you tilt the pen, something related to the picture will float back and forth. I have maybe two hundred of these pens. Got from Disneyland, Virginia City, New York, Santa’s Village – you name it.

O’DOGHERTY: Are you sorry for ALL the times you pulled my ears?

McCARTHY: I have never pulled your ears. You’re stealing a line from the movie ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit.’

O’DOGHERTY: I think you’re splitting hares.

McCARTHY: Next question, please.

O’DOGHERTY: Where you “Popular” in school?

McCARTHY: No. I was daydreaming.

No, I wasn’t popular. I went through school mostly unnoticed. I played on the football team my sophomore year in high school, and I was on the varsity wrestling team my senior year. And I was in the Theatre Arts department, but I was terribly shy and few people knew I was even at the school. But the dope-smokers, they knew, because I was also a member of the Police Explorer program.

It’s undoubtedly hard for some people now to believe that I was ever painfully shy, but it’s true. So, how did I end up like THIS? Search me; I myself don’t know wha’ hoppened. But until sometime after I graduated from high school, I was one of the quietest persons you could ever meet.

In fact, my extreme shyness was the reason I left kindergarten. Once, in a student progress evaluation, my kindergarten teacher told my Mom that I was “antisocial” because of my reluctance to interact with the other children. Well, that was around the time that Oswald had supposedly assassinated President Kennedy. Of course, that’s a lot of Establishment hooey, but we won’t go there now.

Anyway, at that time, the word “antisocial” was constantly being applied to Oswald by the press and in the media generally, and so my Ma took it as an insinuation that I had the traits of a potential president-killer. This disturbed and angered her so much that she did the totally logical thing [*Cough!-Cough!*] : she took me out of school! “Call MY son antisocial, will ya? Well, I’ll show you! – I’ll remove him from your kindergarten!”

If you don’t think that’s funny, you better not go to college!

I now find the whole scenario very humorous and I’ve often referred to myself as “a kindergarten dropout.”

O’DOGHERTY: What’s your personality type?

McCARTHY: I’m glad you asked me that. If you hadn’t done so, I probably would have brought it up myself.

In June of 2008, my buddy Mr. Paulboy Prodigalman the Sixth turned me on to this Jungian personality test. I took it at that time and was categorized as an “INTJ.” That means “Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking and Judging” type. Or to more explicitly put it in their estimation: "Introverted intellectual with a preference for finding certainty. A builder of systems and the applier of theoretical models. 2.1% of total population.”

The analysis breakdown went . . .
Introverted (I) 61.76% - Extroverted (E) 38.24%
Intuitive (N) 57.89% - Sensing (S) 42.11%
Thinking (T) 53.66% - Feeling (F) 46.34%
Judging (J) 61.11% - Perceiving (P) 38.89%

I read their description of this type, and with a few notable exceptions, I thought it pegged me pretty well. I retook the test 14 or 15 months later – in late October last year - and the results were the same. So, both the test and I seemed quite consistent.

The explanation of my results stated two things that really struck me as being entirely correct. It said “INTJs are ever perceiving inner pattern-forms and using real-world materials to operationalize them.” This is something I had absolutely come to recognize about myself years earlier. That really made me sit up and take notice.

Another thing it said was that “To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of ‘definiteness’, of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature.”

This too struck me as being spot on. I have often felt that a lot of people perceive me to be arrogant when, in fact, there is little or no arrogance in me. It’s just that I KNOW what I know. And I take the time and make the effort to come to a state of Knowing because Truth is very important to me. In fact, it’s about the only thing I’m interested in. To hell with what I want reality to be; it’s only what reality IS that matters. So, I study – and I study hard – and when I come to the point where I can say “Such and such is SO”, I can not only tell you that it’s SO, but I’m convinced I can tell you WHY it’s SO.

I think a lot of people are satisfied to just go on believing what they choose to believe. But, as I’ve often said, "I would rather KNOW an unpleasant truth than BELIEVE a pleasant lie". So I study and I drive on until I am satisfied that I know The Truth about something. That’s not to say that I’m always right. I’m certainly fallible, and I’ve proven that innumerable times. But when I’m wrong, it’s an HONEST wrong; it’s an unfortunate misinterpretation of facts which I believed in good faith that I was contemplating and applying in an intellectually honest way.

But I shall always be grateful to Mr. Paulboy for turning me on to that personality test because it answered a question for me that I had often entertained and been bothered by. It wasn’t until sometime after I had taken the test for the second time that the full implications of the results occurred to me. One day it just suddenly dawned on me why, throughout my life, I have had difficulty relating to most people and why many people have had difficulty relating to me. I suddenly realized, for example, why I have always had few real friends and why my writings and my Blogs do not attract much of a readership.

INTJ is the third least common personality type; it’s estimated that only 2.1% of the total population shares it. In other words, a small number of the people I’ve met in my entire life think very much like I do. If only 2.1% of the population processes and interacts with “this world” in a precisely similar manner, how could I ever acquire a large pool of friends? How could my writings appeal to a significant number of people? How could I affect a large segment of the population? Is it any wonder I’ve always been a misfit, and even a misfit among misfits?

So, in a way, this personality test sort of gave me some newfound peace of mind because it logically explained why everyone hates me.

OK, that last bit was a joke, but you get my point.
I am intensely curious to see all of my friends take this same test at some point, and interested in having them share their results with me. I would find learning what personality type all of my friends are very fascinating. Most of them, I’m guessing, must be “outsiders” like I am or they probably wouldn’t maintain a friendship with me and vice versa.

O’DOGHERTY: Who’s your favorite movie star?

McCARTHY: What kind of a question is that? John Wayne, of course! Although I should say that, in my opinion, James Dean is actually the most gifted actor this country has ever produced.

O’DOGHERTY: Where’d you get that scar you got on your shoulder, father?

McCARTHY: I told you, Cal - it’s an old wound I got from the Indian campaigns. Why do you ask that now?

O’DOGHERTY: Hey, you did that really well.

McCARTHY: Thanks. Yeah, I’ve seen that movie more than a few times. It’s one of my favorites.

O’DOGHERTY: Who is the most beautiful woman of all time?

McCARTHY: Oh, it’s Gene Tierney! Definitely, definitely Gene Tierney! Unless you mean on the “inside”, and then we be talkin’ Mother Teresa.

O’DOGHERTY: What is your greatest weakness?

McCARTHY: My lust for ice cream.

O’DOGHERTY: Did you mean . . . gin?

McCARTHY: Right. Gin, vermouth and green olive ice cream.

O’DOGHERTY: Who is your favorite writer?

McCARTHY: I’ll have to mention two: Mark Twain and Henry David Thoreau. Twain makes me laugh and think. Thoreau makes me think and think.

O’DOGHERTY: Name your favorite TV shows.

McCARTHY: Hokey-Smoke! You mean you don’t read my ‘Stuffs’ either? Sheesh, man!

O’DOGHERTY: Do you have a favorite quote?

McCARTHY: Oh, sheesh! I have a hundred and one favorite quotes. In fact, I probably have a hundred and one favorite quotations just from The Bible alone. Statements like “God is Love” and “The Kingdom of God is within you.” But if I had to narrow the list to just one non-Biblical quotation, it might be what Tiny Tim said in 1970: “Most of all, I’d love to see Christ come back to crush the spirit of hate and make men put down their guns. I’d also like just one more hit single.”

If you don’t think that’s funny, you better not go to college.

O’DOGHERTY: What is it you most dislike?

McCARTHY: Cops ... feminists ... feminist cops. Politicians. Lawyers. Liberals. International Bankers. The San Francisco Giants. Everyone in Hollywood. The Council on Foreign Relations. The ACLU and other Communists. Did I mention cops and feminists?

O’DOGHERTY: Who is your hero?

McCARTHY: You mean after Jesus? From among the mere mortals? Senator Joseph McCarthy.

O’DOGHERTY: What is something most people don't know about you?

McCARTHY: Well, that I’ve been a vegetarian since 1985. I ain’t no freakin’ Vegan though; I eat dairy products and OFTEN! Also, that last October, I really did become a sincere Tiny Tim fan. That probably surprised ME as much as anyone! A heterosexual man has to be supersecure in his masculinity to publicly admit that he’s a big Tiny fan.

O’DOGHERTY: What is needed in a road trip car?

McCARTHY: You have to take Pat Metheny. I mean, compact discs by Pat Metheny. I simply can’t drive an automobile without Metheny music.

O’DOGHERTY: Are you a winner or a loser?

McCARTHY: I’m mostly a loser, but even the losers get lucky sometimes. Or, as Tiny Tim said, “Even a .243 hitter wins a ball game once in a while.”

O’DOGHERTY: Do you have any regrets?

McCARTHY: Regrets? I’ve had a few. But then again, too few to mention.

O’DOGHERTY: How do you think you will die?

McCARTHY: Loudly.

O’DOGHERTY: No, I meant, by what method?

McCARTHY: Oh. My government will murder me - that’s a no-brainer. But it’s the American way, so who am I to argue? Although, of course, God could decide to rapture me out of here before Uncle Sam gets me, but I’m not putting all of my eggs into THAT Easter basket!

O’DOGHERTY: If you could live your life over, what would you do differently?

McCARTHY: Well, Lord, have mercy on me! – I hope I never have to reincarnate again! But if I do, next time I’m DEFINITELY going to be a musician. I’m going to play the Hammond B-3 organ fiery and funky like Brian Auger does, and I’m going to write songs praising God and Christ Yeshua.

O’DOGHERTY: How would you like to be remembered?

McCARTHY: Oh, I suppose for being a fairly decent human being who attempted to learn and promote The Truth in “this world.” I’ve tried, but not nearly as diligently as I could have, to do what I was meant to do. I’m supposed to be reflecting God’s Love on all of my Brothers and Sisters at all times by walking in Peace through the activity of forgiveness. I’m mostly a failure, but I’d like to think that I’m a fairly likeable failure. Hopefully God will take that into consideration.

O’DOGHERTY: How Truthful Are You?

McCARTHY: Well, everything I’ve said in this interview is true.

O’DOGHERTY: Really?

McCARTHY: Uhm… 98%. But I rounded it up to “everything.”

O’DOGHERTY: Who're you rooting for in the Super Bowl?

McCARTHY: Oh, c’mon, man! Who do you THINK I’m rooting for? How could a man who is a big fan of Senator Joseph McCarthy and Tiny Tim – the most downtrodden of the downtrodden, the underdogs of underdogs – not root for the New Orleans Saints? I mean, here you have a team whose fans once wore paper bags over their heads at the stadium so no one would recognize them as Saints fans; whose most frequently axed question during the week was “Who Dat? Who Dat gonna beat dem Saints on Sunday?” How could I possibly not root for the “Aints”?
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Not a lot of people realize that the Saints were officially announced as a new franchise in the National Football League on November 1st, 1966. November first is celebrated by the Catholic church as “All Saints Day.” One would think that this was an omen of good things to come for the team. One would be dead wrong.

But even if I didn’t feel some sympathy for the “N’awlin Aints”, I’d still have to root for them in The Big Game because I’m really a Miami Dolphins fan. But to quote Ol’ Waylon: “I don’t explain if you don’t understand.”

I agree that the Indy Colts should be established as the favorites, but I’d say by no more than 3 points. Even so, I believe the Saints are gonna win because my brother Nappy called me the other day to tell me that he saw a dude walking down the street wearing a Larry Csonka Miami Dolphin’s jersey. I’m taking that as a sign that destiny has sided with the “Aints.” Also, for little apparent reason, I woke up this morning with the name Nick Johnson in my mind. Nick Johnson played for the New York Yankees, so this too leads me to think the Saints will win. And no, “I don’t explain if you don’t understand", but tell them that you heard it here first on Roller Derby.

O’DOGHERTY: Is there anything you'd like to add?

McCARTHY: Not at all; my math skills are atrocious.

O’DOGHERTY: We thank you very much for your time and cooperation, Stephen.

McCARTHY: Yeah, alright. Say, could you give me a ride to the liquor st-- airport? Could you give me a ride to the airport?

O’DOGHERTY: Sure, Stephen. Sure.

~ Yoey O’Dogherty

Yoey O’Dogherty is a Peabody And Sherman Award-winning documentary filmmaker and professor emeritus at the Saint Balderdash School of Journalism in Bumphuhk, Idaho, where he lives with his three wives, sixteen little red noses and a horse that sweats.

YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.

Links:

'Similar Minds' Personality Questionnaire

Test Result Definitions & Explanations

How Frequent Is Your Type?
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