SPEAK LIKE A GOOD AMERICAN, DOGGONE IT!

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As soon as I woke up this morning, I glanced back at my alarm clock and it read: 8:48 AM. My first thought was: "That’s exactly what time it SHOULD be."

Let me tell you, it is a rare occurrence when I wake up with such a positive attitude, and those few times when it happens, I spend the rest of the day just waiting for two shoes to drop.

While I’ve been waiting, one of my old drinking buddies, Cranium, e-mailed me a bit about Political Correctness which I thought was pretty funny. I’ve decided to post it here (with just a few adjustments to it made by Yours Truly).

Due to its subject matter, ordinarily I would post something like this on my Blog titled XTREMELY UN-P.C. AND UNREPENTANT. In this case, however, I’ve decided to post it here instead because… well… because… Look, man, I ain’t got no reason. I don’t need no reason. I don’t have to show you any stinking reason!

OK, here’s how to say it correctly in The Land Of The Free And The Home Of The Brave (or, The Land Of The Petrified And The Home Of The Tongue-Tied) . . .

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseeans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as “HILLBILLIES.” You must now refer to them as “APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.” And furthermore . . .

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a “BABE” or a “CHICK” - She is a . . .

“BREASTED AMERICAN.”

2. She is not “EASY” - She is . . .

“HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.”

3. She is not a “DUMB BLONDE” - She is a . . .

“LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.”

4. She has not “BEEN AROUND” - She is a . . .

“PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.”

5. She does not “NAG” you - She becomes . . .

“VERBALLY REPETITIVE.”

6. She is not a “TWO-BIT HOOKER” - She is a . . .

“LOW COST PROVIDER.”

Well, Womenfolk, as always, it is not REALLY all about you. And so let’s now learn . . .

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a “BEER GUT” - He has developed a . . .

“LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.”

2. He is not a “BAD DANCER” - He is . . .

“OVERLY CAUCASIAN.”

3. He does not “GET LOST ALL THE TIME” – He . . .

“INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.”

4. He is not “BALDING” - He is in . . .

“FOLLICLE REGRESSION.”

5. He does not act like a “TOTAL A$$” - He develops a case of . . .

“RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.”

6. It's not the plumber’s “CRACK” you see hanging out of his pants – It is . . .

“REAR CLEAVAGE”

Thaaaaat’s right! We plumbers demand respect from now on.
Oh! Wait! I’ve never been a plumber. Never mind; go ahead and call it what you will.

Gotta run! The first shoe just kicked me in the “Rear Cleavage” and the other shoe will drop soon.

~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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