Monday, November 8, 2010

THE QUEEN-MOTHER OF DIRTY WORDS

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So there I was yesterday in a Walgreens drug store to buy some decongestant to help me in my fight with this cold that my brother Damn U. Nappy was good enough to give me.
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And in case anyone is wondering how that fight is going, all three judges' scorecards have the cold winning four rounds to none. I haven't even landed a blow yet. Although I have blown my nose.
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As I was walking down the candy aisle heading for the pharmacy in the back of the store, I happened to glance to my left and what I saw stopped me dead in my tracks. Well, not "dead" in my tracks literally, because I was in fact still breathing, but barely. Hence my need for decongestant.
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But what I saw brought a smile to my face. And although I was in no mood to eat candy, I just had to buy myself a box of this stuffs anyway. Check it out - here's what I saw and bought (along with the decongestant) . . .
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Ralphie: Ohh... FFFFUDGE!! . . . Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!
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Here's how the back of the box reads:
In the tradition of an old fashion Christmas, our fudge is made from scratch in our small family owned candy factory in rural Medina, Ohio... just minutes from where the movie A Christmas Story was actually filmed! Each batch is hand stirred in copper kettles using our delicious recipes and finest ingredients. It's like winning a major award... we triple-dog dare you to try to find a better fudge!
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I haven't opened the box yet because with my cold I probably wouldn't be able to tell whether it was the best fudge I've ever tasted or the worst. I can't pronounce any sort of judgment on the fudge's flavor, but then again, does it matter? It's having the box that counts.
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Hmmm... after I've opened and eaten, I may just save the box. I can punch a hole through it, attach a hook to it and hang it on my Christmas tree this year as a decoration. Yup-Yup. That's a-what I'm a-gonna do. Then I'm gonna wait under that tree until Santa arrives and strangle him for leaving me that pink bunny suit last year. He who laughs Ho!-Ho!-Ho! last laughs best!
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.
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9 comments:

DiscConnected said...

It will go with the Leg Lamp!

Did you like having to go through security similar to an airport to buy the decongestant?

They fill out a manual log.

Are our tax dollars paying for someone to compare those manual logs?

I feel safer knowing we're safe from the two people in the US who are motivated enough to go to fifty drugstores to score enough decongestant to outfit their home meth lab.

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

HA!-HA!-HA!-HA!
Oh, man, you made me laugh out loud. That is so "right on".
:o)

But somehow it seems odd yakkin' 'bout this HERE. Isn't this a discussion that belongs on my other blog, "Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends"?
;o)

~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'

Anonymous said...

Brother,
That there christmas goose is familiar to me. I actually bought one of those for my Mom a few years back. Heck you can get thanksgiving outfits for it, Independence day outfits, thanksgiving, easter, and a slew of others. My mom loves things like that. The fudge is a great concept. Wonder why I haven't seen it around here.

Br'er Marc

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

BR'ER MARC ~
Actually, that Goose belonged to my Ma and it came with a new outfit for each of the twelve months. I still leave the thing out and change its costumes as a way of remembering and paying tribute to my Ma, who passed away in 2005.

I'm not always prompt about changing the outfit; it might be two weeks or even more into the next month before I realize I haven't changed Martha Goose's clothes, but I always try to get it done without missing a month.

And yeah, the fudge idea is really clever. Try your local Walgreens Drug Store - I bet it's being carried in all of them across the country, Bro.

~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'

Arlee Bird said...

I will have to go to my local Walgreen's which conveniently is across the street and look for this fudge. I'm a big fudge fan and A Christmas Story is a holiday favorite of mine.

I was born in Cleveland, OH and spent my first 7 years there so I can relate to that era depicted in the movie. I can remember going to visit Santa at the big department store downtown, although I don't recall my experience being so traumatic as the one depicted in the film.

Lee
Tossing It Out

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

ARLEE BOID ~
Cleveland Rocks!!!

I love the entire movie, but that whole scene at the department store when Ralphie and his brother go to visit Santa is WITHOUT A DOUBT my favorite in the movie.

In fact - and I mean this sincerely - for me, that is almost certainly the funniest scene in any movie ever made. I've watched it so many times and yet it still leaves me howling on the floor, often with tears in my eyes. That is Black Comedy at its very, very BEST!

~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'

Arlee Bird said...

I keep meaning to follow up on this. A couple weeks ago I went to Walgreens and got some of this fudge--the same green box you show. They had the red box which had walnuts, but I tend to lean toward the pure stuff. I found it to be edible, not the best, but okay. It wasn't the same as the sugary stuff my mother used to make and usually the fudge factories in tourist towns are a bit better, but probably because it's fresher. I would get it again if I had a massive fudge craving. Thanks for directing me to it.

Lee
Tossing It Out

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

ARLEE BOID ~
Well, I'm no ffffudge connoisseur but I thought it was pretty good. I wouldn't say, "the best I've ever had", but good enough.

What I DIDN'T like, however, was the tray it comes in. Instead of being a totally flat-bottomed tray, it has that molded indentation around the sides that makes the fudge unnecessarily hard to remove in perfectly square pieces.

I probably wouldn't buy it again solely because of that.

~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'

Arlee Bird said...

What I DIDN'T like, however, was the tray it comes in. Instead of being a totally flat-bottomed tray, it has that molded indentation around the sides

I will agree with you on that. I scraped up the final remants with a spoon. Despite that I'd still get it again if I had a real fudge craving and they still had some. Otherwise, fudge seems really hard to find in normal stores. I usually have to make my own, which is probably better anyway.

Lee
Tossing It Out