DON'T GOBBLE AND DRIVE

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The following is a paid public service announcement:

Every Thanksgiving, millions of Americans overindulge. They wolf down turkey like The Bumpus Hounds, then they manage to squeeze themselves into the driver’s side of their automobiles and hit the highways with the tops of their pants unfastened and with all of that tryptophan from the turkey being absorbed into their brains. It’s no wonder so many holiday drivers fall asleep at the wheel and cause roadway accidents.

There are a few simple precautionary steps that can be taken to prevent these unfortunate and unnecessary accidents. For one, if you do gobble too much turkey, make sure that before you get behind the wheel of your automobile, you drink several cups of Irish Coffee. The caffeine in the Irish Coffee will help to counteract the drowsiness you feel from all of that tryptophan rushing through your bloodstream and making a beeline for your brain. This should keep you awake long enough to make it to the bed that’s calling you. Of course, if you can somehow find a way to choke down a lot of coffee without the added “Irish” that’s just as well, but damned if I know how you do it!

On the long drive home, play some loud, high-energy music to keep your brain stimulated. We recommend “A Head-Banging Christmas” by The Naked Emperors or “I Mugged Santa Claus” by Johnny Stinko And The Immorals, but any neo-traditional music of this nature will work. (Whatever you do, don’t listen to “The Twelve Days Of Christmas” if a radio station should happen to play it; this could even put a packed Starbucks coffee shop into a coma! Just say No to “The Twelve Days Of Christmas”!)

Please Remember:

1: Don’t Gobble And Drive.

2: If you do have one turkey leg too many, make sure you drink several cups of Irish Coffee before attempting to drive home.

3: Perhaps best of all, if possible, appoint a Vegetarian to be your Designated Driver.

Be THANKFUL, have a great celebration, but EAT RESPONSIBLY and keep the holidays safe for EVERYONE!


This ad was paid for by “The Committee To Ensure Turkey Day Safety.”

I’m the president of the O’Dogherty Whiskey Distilling Company and I approved this message.

~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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