A TENDER COMPLAINT SUNG FROM THE HEART (Or, 100% RECYCLED PAPERBOARD)

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Yesterday I mentioned a letter I’d written to the Nabisco company in the early 1990s. I got to wonderin’ if I might still have a copy of that old thing stored somewhere, so I pulled out my filing boxes and looked under N for “Nabisco”: nuttin’. I looked under T for “Triscuit”: nuttin’. I was about to give up when my little finger accidentally caught on the tab of the S file and yanked it open. There it was, filed under S for “Stupid Stuffs.”

Back in 1993, I worked for a magazine publisher in Prescott, Arizona (the precious people of Prescott pronounce the name of their town like “Triscuit” only with a “Pre” instead of a “Tri”). Man, I hated that place! In some ways it’s a lot like Phoenix only without the lovely Summer weather.

I can’t remember how it came up (Was someone eating Triscuit crackers in the lunch room? Was I telling someone about “The Lazlo Letters”?), but for one reason or another, I told my coworker Lorna that if I wrote some ridiculous letter of complaint to Nabisco, they would surely respond by sending us a bunch of free “foodstuffs” or valuable coupons, or sumpin’ else good like that. Well, faster’n you can say “Oh, no, Stephen, please don’t do that” I had composed and mailed a Lazlo Toth type letter to the makers of Triscuit. (Actually, this really wasn’t like me at all; it was way out of character for me to do sumpin’ like this, and so I’ll bet Lorna put me up to it! Yes, I’ll bet Lorna was the instigator!)

I’ve reproduced the letter below, but I’ve changed the address (I don’t want the poor bastards currently residing at my old address to be hounded by looky-loos, paparazzi, and sightseeing tour buses going past the house every twenty minutes).

July 21, 1993

Dear People of Nabisco,

Although this letter is intended to voice dissatisfaction, let me begin with heartfelt congratulations. In an epoch that will be regrettably remembered for its corporate insensitivity, Nabisco has unequivocally proven that not every American company has forgotten how to “do it right.” The Nabisco name has always been synonymous with a tasty, wholesome, high-quality product. My longtime girlfriend, Lorna, and I have grown up with Nabisco snacks, and though it may seem like an “artificially sentimental” commercial, the early discovery of our mutual fondness for Nabisco foods was one of our first “common denominators.”

The delicate flakiness of your WAVERLY CRACKERS would have put you on the map without even mentioning your delectable RITZ BITS or TEAM FLAKES breakfast cereal (which I especially enjoy snacking on while watching “The Andy Griffith Show”). And, of course, let’s not forget about the OREO which, like the tail fins on a 1959 Cadillac, is a recognizable “American Classic” and the standard by which every other cookie must ultimately be measured and kneel before.

This having been said, imagine my deep disappointment when last week, Lorna suggested we try your TRISCUIT WAFERS, and I bit into that bland and boring layered wheat square. Where was that trademark Nabisco flavor? I recognized the crunchy freshness, but I tasted... NOTHING! Could this really be a Nabisco product? Alas, it was.

Now don’t get me wrong, Lorna and I have not forsaken Nabisco. Nobody’s perfect; even Don Knotts made a mistake by appearing in “Three’s Company.” Don’t give up on TRISCUIT yet. There’s no need to pull it from the grocery shelves (after all, the texture does excite the mouth!), but it requires a flavor enhancer. Have you considered sugar or dehydrated jalapeno pepper flakes in the recipe?

Despite our disappointment with the TRISCUIT WAFER, Lorna and I agree we will continue to extol the quality of your other products to our friends and family.

Sincerely,
Stephen T. McCarthy

Stephen T. McCarthy
666 Dog-Doo Drive
Prescott, Airheadzona
00666

P.S. – The enclosed xerox copy of the altered TRISCUIT boxtop seems to indicate that not the box but the TRISCUIT CRACKER is made of “100% recycled paperboard.” Please don’t take it to heart – that was just our wacky sense of humor expressing itself.

You can be sure that the repeated use of the word “flakes” in the letter was by design. Nabisco did eventually reply to my letter but their response did not near meet my expectations. No free cases of cookies and crackers, no certificates redeemable for lotsa free stuffs. I think they may have sent some cheesy little discount coupon that probably didn’t even match the value of the first class stamp I’d used.

It was my own fault, truthfully; I should have known better than to complain to some second-rate outfit like Nabisco – they really weren’t worthy of my complaint. I should have spent my complaint on a really top-of-the-line operation of superior quality like General Mills.

The next time someone like Lorna tries to put me up to something like this, I’m going to do like Barney Fife says and “Nip it! Nip it in the bud!” I’ll just put my gun to my head and blow my Dodger cap off. That is, if I can find my bullet.
(I probably have it filed under B for “Barney.”)

~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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