Friday, July 2, 2010

DOGGTOR GUY'S PRESCRIPTION FOR PAIN RELIEF

.
But my point is that, if there is a guy in your life, and you want him to get decent medical care, you cannot rely on him or Hillary Clinton to be responsible for it. You have to use a technique that was perfected by wildlife officials for use with bears and rhinoceroses, namely: tranquilizer darts. This is the only way you can be sure of getting a guy to a medical care facility in a timely manner if he has, for example, injured himself during a touch-football game, and you have pointed out that there are bones sticking from his body, plus some aortal bleeding, but he is claiming that this condition will probably go away on its own.

In this case you should fire a dart or two into his body, let him stagger around for a few more plays until he collapses, then strap him to the trunk of the car and take him to the hospital. And when you get him there, be sure to tell the doctors that, in addition to his obvious injuries . . . he has been complaining about his prostate. He deserves it.

~ ‘DAVE BARRY’S COMPLETE GUIDE TO GUYS:
A Fairly Short Book’

‘Dave Barry’s Complete Guide To Guys’ is also a fairly funny book. It was given to me by my dear friend the Flying Aardvark. She knows a “guy” when she corresponds with one.

So, there I am at work last night when suddenly I feel this rather intense pain in the left kidney area. It hurts like hell, but then subsides after about 20 minutes. I get off work and drive home and it starts hurting like that place again.

I brush my teeth, take my melatonin, say my prayer, slide into bed, hoping to fall asleep quickly and wake up pain free in the morning. Well, I fell asleep alright, but woke up again in about 20 minutes with the return of great pain in the kidney area. No position I put myself into would alleviate the pain.

I fall asleep again, I wake up again, again in pain. So now I’m wondering if I have a kidney stone. I’ve heard about those things and this seems to have similar symptoms. Those symptoms being 1) that it hurts like hell, and 2) in the kidney area.

So I get up and tell my brother Nappy about it. No, I didn’t wake him up. After all, it was already 3:30 AM and he was about to start his workout program. Nappy suggests I go to the hospital. Make no mistake about it, one guy WILL suggest to another guy that he should go see a doctor, knowing full well that he himself would NEVER do that under similar circumstances.

Rather than the hospital, I opt for the heating pad. I put it on my back, but 15 minutes is about all I can stand of that. Then I go back to my bedroom to lie DOWN, and ten minutes later I throw UP. Well, there goes the Ben & Jerry’s Key Lime Ice Cream I had earlier that night. Damn! And that’s not cheap stuffs either!

I go back to bed, ah, to sleep, perchance to puke. I could have phoned my old football and wrestling coaches, but I know that they’d just tell me to take two shots of tequila and call them in the morning. And I’d rather take twelve shots of tequila and shut my cell phone off!

In the morning, I call my sister Bonehead (I’ve always called her Bonehead) and I ask her what it felt like to have kidney stones those four times when she did. Hmmm… that’s interesting: she said, 1) it hurt like hell, and 2) in the kidney area.

Well, naturally, she’s certain I need to see my doctor, and offers to drive me there. Instead, I opt for “borrowing” some of her leftover prescription medication. She gives me a plastic bag containing Vicodin and Soma. Her note says: “Vicodin is a painkiller – take one every 6 hours. Soma is a muscle relaxer – take one 3 times a day. Don’t take both together . . . one or the other.” So naturally, I take two of each with one swig of cranberry juice. [My motto has always been: “If you’re only going to have one beer, you might as well make it six Mickey’s malt liquors.”] Cranberry juice just in case it IS kidney stones, which I’m sure it isn’t.

You see, it occurs to me that this pain in the kidney area began about an hour after I cracked the vertebrae in my back at work last night. I was sitting in my chair finishing off the book ‘HOW AN ECONOMY GROWS AND WHY IT CRASHES’ by Peter Schiff (a great book, by the way), when I twisted my torso from side to side to crack my back. Nothing new about this - heck, I crack EVERYTHING: back, knuckles, ankles, knees, elbows, neck, eyelids – you name it, I crack it. Well, except for THOSE. I never crack THOSE! Ouch! It hurts just to think about that. They HAVE been cracked before, not by me, but by an accidental knee.

However, when I cracked my back last night, I did notice a slight twinge and thought to myself: 'Whoa! I think I went a bit too far this time.' So, is it just a coincidence that an hour later I had “kidney stones”? I’m thinkin’ I just badly pulled or strained a muscle in my back near the kidney area.

But nuttin’ to worry ‘bout, folks; I’m a “guy”, I’ll bounce back in no time.

I just sprayed a little Windex on it
.

.
and covered it with Duct Tape.
.

.
I’ll be fine.

"Doctors? I don't need no doctors! I don't have to go to any stinkin' doctors!"

~ Stephen T. McCarthy

YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.
.

13 comments:

welcome to my world of poetry said...

Most enjoyable to read, is that good for painful joints and shoulders??????

Yvonne.

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

YVONNE ~
Heck yeah! It's good for EVERYTHING: painful joints, half-smoked joints, heartache, hangovers, broken bones, broken homes, balding, financial wreckage, speeding tickets. Your refrigerator's running but your car ain't? Windex and Duct Tape'll fix 'em both!

Step right up! Step right up!
Everyone's a winner! Bargains galore! You too can be the proud owner of the quality goes in before the name goes on!...

~ "Lonesome Dogg" McSnakeoil

arlee bird said...

The only thing worse than suffering severe pain is going to the hospital and having to wait for an interminalbly long wait and spend hours in a weird little cubicle only to have the doctor say something like, "You're just getting old and you'll get pains like that now and then--it'll go away." At least that's what happens to me. And I know I'm getting older, and by golly the pain does just go away--either that or I just get used to it and don't notice it any more.

Hope you're feeling better. My wife had kidney stones once and she was in misery.

Lee
Tossing It Out

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

R-LEE-B ~
The pain intensified and became nonstop yesterday, and after I vomited again, I knew I finally had to do the "nonguy" thang and check myself in.

Diagnosis: Kidney Stone.

Took painkillers, threw up again, and drove to work 15 minutes later in my non-air-conditioned car under a 105 degree Phoenix sky.

Do any of them womens give out a "Toughest Blogger" award? I think I'm due one.

~ "Lonesome Dogg" McToughguy
(aka McIdiot)

DiscConnected said...

You may as well have gone to the hospital if you're going to quote a chick flick (we all know where "put a little Windex on it" comes from.....)

Duct tape is ok (since you're quoting Tim Allen)

DiscConnected said...

Lee said

>The only thing worse than >suffering severe pain is going to >the hospital and having to wait >for an interminalbly long wait

You just described Obama Care!

I have friends from Canada and France (you know, those two health care models that are always used to sell a national plan in the US) and that is thier mantra on the plans they left behind (unless you're one of the few who can afford private plans, and then you can bypass the wait).

Let's all hope Mr. McCarthy is right about Windex and duct tape-they may be the only medical care available to us before long!

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

--> You may as well have gone to the hospital if you're going to quote a chick flick (we all know where "put a little Windex on it" comes from.....)

Perhaps so, DiscMan, but don't forget that it was a MAN who used Windex to fix everything. A lone voice of reason in an otherwise chicky flick.

~ "Lonesome Dogg" McRegularjoe

Marjorie said...

All I heard was "Blah blah blah I puked up my Ben and Jerry's blah blah blah" I'm playing taps for the loss. You're right that is NOT cheap stuffs. Oh and if it doesn't get better GO TO THE DOCTOR, stubborn man!

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

MARJORIE ~
Blah, blah, blah, blah, emergency room, blah, blah, blah, kidney stone, blah, blah, black sheep, have you any wool?

~ "Lonesome Dogg" McBlahblah

Lisa said...

Hahaha - I'm laughing at your response to Marjorie's comment.

Glad you finally know what the problem is. I hope you can find a natural remedy to help. Check this out: http://www.earthclinic.com/CURES/kidney_stones.html

B&J's Key Lime? Never heard of that flavor, but it sounds good!

Get well soon friend. I'll lift you up in prayer.

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

LISA ~
Hey, not sure where Marjorie's comment went. (Did she delete it perhaps?) My reply seems rather nonsensical without her original remark that I was riffing on.

Thanks for the kidney stone website. I'm gonna take a look right now!

And as for the B&J Key Lime Ice Cream... it was pretty good, but didn't meet expectations. I would have preferred it to be more tangy; it was a bit too bland for my tastes. I'll stick with their Creme Brulee and the Cinnamon Buns, which are too sweet and too good.

And thanks also for the prayer support, Lisa! Is it mere coincidence that last night I had the best sleep I've had in a few years and woke up feeling totally pain-free finally? Thanks! You and your God done good! :o)

~ Stephen
"As a dog returns to his own vomit,
so a fool repeats his folly."
~ Proverbs 26:11

welcome to my world of poetry said...

Stephen, I was reading your comment on Lee's blog just now, you were wondering what was going on with the comments, Well I have my own theory I call it "The Bermuda Comment Triangle".
so many comments have gone and re-appeared it's un nerving.
That's all I have to say.
Take care.
Yvonne.

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

YVONNE ~
Yes, it is weird. Just now when I approved your comment for publishing, I got the usual message, "One comment has been published", although your comment was still being displayed on my dashboard as if I had not yet taken any action on it. So, in other words, your comment was in two places at one time: on my dashboard and here, published under my blog bit. It's getting weirder by the minute!

Let's just hope it isn't bloggers who start disappearing next, eh? Whoa!

~ "Lonesome Dogg" McBermudaboy