Monday, July 12, 2010

WANTED! FOR FORCING FANTASIES ON A TIRED, OLD MIDDLE-AGED DUDE

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There’s a woman on a poster displayed at the post office nearest me. No, she’s not wanted by the FBI. She’s wanted by ME.

This mystery woman is on two posters (three, really, but two of them are duplicates) that are advertising the joys of stamp collecting. Well, I ain’t buying into the idea of joyful stamp collecting, but if anybody could sell me on it, this woman could.

These posters have been on display at the post office for as long as I can remember – that’s a number of years – and they are mounted on the walls underneath clear Plexiglas, above the post office boxes. I have never failed to take notice of this woman every time I’ve had reason to be in that building. Particularly when I’m alone there at night and can just stand there for a few unhurried minutes and study her face and imagine “what might have been” had I found her before the postmaster did.

Because these posters have been on display there for so long, and because they are located just below some fluorescent light tubes, the pictures are now faded. But that doesn’t prevent this girl’s beauty from shining forth.

In case anyone ever wondered what my type is, THIS is my type:
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Brown eyes, long dark hair, cute as a button, and very feminine. Heck, all I ever really wanted was a womanly woman who wouldn’t make me feel gay (but that type went out of style decades ago). This gal has it all, and she’s almost enough to turn a guy into a post office groupie!

I drove to the post office about eight o’clock last night with my Brother’s cell phone camera and a stepstool, so I could get up high enough to take a “STUFFS”-worthy photo of Miss Right the stamp collector. (Nothing’s too much trouble for my art!)

I was hoping to get the picture-taking done quickly and before anyone else entered the post office. Imagine trying to explain that: “Oh, Hi… uhm… Ha!... Well, I just have a thing for this girl, see? And… uh… well, I, uh… See I have this blog and uh… well, never mind. I gotta go; I’m late for the philatelic soiree”.

But fortunately, I did manage to get my pictures taken in time. Just as I was exiting the post office - stepstool in hand - a couple of other Airheadzonans were entering. Phew! That was cuttin’ it close.

Have you seen this beautiful mystery woman?
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Well? Have you seen her? If so, do tell! If I could just learn her address, I’d mail myself to her. Yeah, it would require a lot of stamps, but maybe she’d appreciate that.

In the meantime, if anyone’s lookin’ for me, tell ‘em they’ll find me at the post office, standing there gazing up longingly at my mystery gal and ignoring the old goat from the postal service who’s dogging me with cries of, “Alright, move along now! There’s nothing else to see here".

“Get away from me, postalboy. Ya bother me!”

Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm HERS.
Hmmm… Sometimes I’ve even wondered if Miss Stamp Collector is the ever elusive Emily.

Philatelically Yours,

~ Stephen T. McCarthy

YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.
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23 comments:

welcome to my world of poetry said...

I can't say I've seen her around with me tucked away on the south coast of England, but should I see her will let you know.
She is extremely pretty and can well see why you like her.

Yvonne.

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

Thanks, YVONNE!
Soon as I get my sleeping bag back from the dry cleaners, I'm gonna unroll it on the floor of the post office and take up residence there. ;o)

~ "Lonesome Dogg" McLoony

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Let us know before you mail yourself off to her!!

arlee bird said...

I will have to look for this poster next time I'm in the post office. I agree she looks fine. I will also attest to the joys of stamp collecting. At least I always enjoyed it a great deal when I was younger. The world of stamp collecting can absorb your time and educate you about far away places. It's also interesting as a review of history. I always liked to just look at the stamps.

Maybe stamp collecting is just what you need to take your mind off of some of your worries. Then again you might get to worrying about just who licked those stamps in the first place.

Lee
Tossing It Out

Ellie said...

She looks familiar?! YOU are to cute~

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

ALEX ~
Will do, Buddy.

LEE ~
You talkin' to me about stamp collecting at a time like THIS?! Why I oughta...

ELLIE ~
I am too cute?
Too cute as in stop acting so cute?
Or too cute as in too cute?

Aw, if only I really were...
and you were HER.

~ "Lonesome Dogg" McTwocute

DiscConnected said...

This is strange even for you. It makes my lifesize Salma Hayek poster look less weird.

She does look familiar...and actress or model I've seen maybe.

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

No, no! She can't be an actress or a model. That would ruin EVERYTHING if she were.

She's just a nice, normal girl who who got a one-time job to pose for this postal service poster gig.

She's just a sweet, regular person, DISCCONNECTED. And you'd better watch what you say about the girl I love! Call her an actress one more time - just once! - and you and I are goin' duke city!

An actress or a model? SHEESH! I can't believe you would treat me this way. You're SUPPOSED to be my friend!

Alright, you just got a bit confused because she looks so much like Valerie Bertinelli. But this one's a REAL person - no Hollywood creation. ...And don't you forget it!

~ "Lonesome Dogg" McPeeved

DiscConnected said...

McDogg-

I don't feel so bad about my crush on Flo (the Progressive pitch woman)

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

EEW!
Dude, I guess I wouldn't understand; it must be a Bette Midler thang. :o)

~ "Lonesome Dogg" McHighstandards

Stephen Tremp said...

Damn, she's hot. At this point you ask her to marry you. You have my blessings. And another round on me. Make it two. Does she have a sister?

Stephen Tremp

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

TREMPSTER ~
Ha!-Ha! Thank you! Thank you!
I was sure it wasn't just me. Ya know, ya feel a little foolish toting a stepstool down to the post office under the cloak of night, but then when another dude says about the girl you love, "Damn, she's hot", it makes a guy feel better about his sneaking around in the dark, stepstool in hand.

Buddy, if I ever snag this beautiful creature, I promise that you got dibs on her sister. :o)

~ "Lonesome Dogg" McMe

Marjorie said...

You're funny! She is very pretty though. I feel the SAME way about Robert Pattinson. Too bad he is way to famous and good looking to take notice of a regular person like me. I have hope for you and the stamp collecter poster girl though.

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

Thanks, MARJORIE!
Glad ya liked it. Sometimes, though, I wonder if I ain't too silly for my own good. But I'm kind of a comedy whore who will sacrifice my own dignity for anything that even remotely resembles a laugh from another person. If I had any self-respect at all I'd be thoroughly ashamed. :o)

Dang, I've never even HEARD of Robert Pattinson. (Well, I'm from another galaxy far, far away.) But I'll do a search and find out what this bloke looks like.

~ "Lonesome Dogg" McPostal

MA Fat Woman said...

Thanks for the nice compliments. That picture was taken of me in the early 90s. Due to cutbacks and such I no longer do modeling for the Post Office.

Emily

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

MA FAT WOMAN ~
Doh! I'm sorry to hear that.

And now you're living in San Francisco of the East Coast, eh? Double-Doh!

Hmmm... Guess I'm gonna have to "settle" for Valerie Bertinelli. ...She IS divorced from Eddie Van Halen, isn't she?

~ "Lonesome Dogg" McDoh

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

MARJORIE ~
OK, I looked up Robert Pattinson, and recognized him from the posters covering every wall at my local Burger King.

I gotta say, he looks JUST LIKE ME...
...when I was young...
...before the accident.

~ "Lonesome Dogg" McPattinson

Marjorie said...

You WILL say anything for a laugh, Stephen. You had me cackling like a mad person on that last one.

Anonymous said...

Stephen,

I work with a couple of ladies who look a lot like her. I myself always liked the nerdy nurturing type. I never had a physical type per se. However, I always found that I required a tender hearted women. Loving and compassionate. I really feel that I hit gold here though. My wife is very loving, compassionate, and determined. I wish some of her determination were refocused but I can't complain.

As far as the women in the picture is concerned I see the post office is selling compassion, nurturing, caring, and comfort. I can honestly say I occasionally work with women who look a lot like her. Of course my profession demands that so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. In the end buddy I have to say that the love from my wifes heart is what really made her physical features sing to me.

Brer Marc

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

Oh, heck, MARJORIE, I'm ALWAYS cackling like a mad person. It's what mad people do!


BR'ER MARC ~
I myself am pretty indifferent to "nurturing", "caring", "loving", "tenderness", and "compassion".

I'm basically just interested in finding a beautiful, independently wealthy woman to abuse me. Is that asking so much?

~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'

Anonymous said...

Beautiful, Independently wealthy, and abusive. I bet you can find the last two without effort. The first would very hard.

Brer Marc

Lisa said...

She is beautiful and very wholesome looking. Gotta love that smile!:)

I do have two questions for you regarding this post:

1. - How could a woman make you feel gay? I really don't get that.

2. - Are you that short? That you have to take a step stool to reach the poster?

I'm sure you're a very handsome guy and that there is a beautiful, never-been-married-woman out there for you somewhere. But you've said before that you're not really interested in a relationship. You confuse me!


PS - no disrespect intended by either of my questions, I promise.

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

LISA ~
I'm glad you approve of my chick. :o)

>> I do have two questions for you regarding this post:

1. - How could a woman make you feel gay? I really don't get that.


Well, let's see . . . if she swills beer, drives a pickup truck, loves action movies, sports tattoos and swears like a sailor, chances are I'm going to feel like I'm lovin'... A DUDE! And that would make me feel... GAY!

And, by the way...
In one way or another, I've just described probably 90% of 2010's American female population.

>> 2. - Are you that short? That you have to take a step stool to reach the poster?

Yeah. In life, Billy Barty towered over me!
Of course, in death, I now stand six feet taller than he does. (Well, to be precise, nine and a half feet, since he's six feet deep and I stand a full three feet, six inches from my toes to my grey hair.)

>> [1] I'm sure you're a very handsome guy and [2] that there is a beautiful, never-been-married-woman out there for you somewhere. [3] But you've said before that you're not really interested in a relationship. You confuse me!

[1] Wrong.
[2] Wrong.
[3] That sounds suspiciously like a question. Is that a question? Becuz you opened your comment by saying you had two (count 'em - 2) questions for me. I'm afraid you're outta questions. I can't respond to [3] without making a liar out of you. And I would NEVER want to make a liar out of you. You know that. :o)

>> PS - no disrespect intended by either of my questions, I promise.

Ha! Don't worry so much.
I ain't THAT s-e-e-e-ensitive. ;o)

~ Stephen
"As a dog returns to his own vomit,
so a fool repeats his folly."
~ Proverbs 26:11

Postscript: Wait'll ya see tomorrow's 4-part blog bit. I think yer gonna hate me for it.