Friday, December 11, 2009

WINTER ADVICE: THE CURE FOR THE COMMON COLD

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Suffering now as I am from the 101st cold of my lifetime, I have acquired expertise in the management of this particular illness. Out of the kindness of my heart, I wish to make you the beneficiary of my firsthand knowledge.

Be it known that at one time or another, I have employed nearly every cold remedy devised by mankind. I have eaten lots of Asparagus (to alkalize the body quickly); I have swallowed a ton of Zinc, and I have tried everything else between A & Z. I've used over-the-counter pharmaceutical products, under-the-counter pharmaceutical products, and even some stuffs I've scraped off the top of the counter. I've tried the traditional old home remedies like getting lots of Vitamin C or drinking Apple Cider Vinegar, and I've taken products created in expensive laboratories with names I can't even pronounce. Through the decades I've tried the commonplace suggestions like sipping Hot Tea with lemon and honey, and I've even used some unorthodox remedies like spraying whiskey up my nose. I've tried applying a poultice made from snips and snails and puppy-dog tails, and when that didn't work, I tried a poultice of sugar and spice and everything nice. Same result. One time, I was so desperate that I even resorted to simmering eye of newt, wing of bat, and wart of witch in a cauldron of blood from sixteen virgins and then applied the stuffs into my ear canals with an eyedropper.

Of course, it hasn't been exclusively chemical and liquid and edible medicines I have attempted to overcome my colds with; I've also tried the more spiritual approach. More than once I've given meditation a shot - you know, aligning my mind with the Mind of God, realizing for myself that I have been created by God and in His image. How can anything created in the image of God be ill. Right? Well, I've found that it's pretty difficult to quiet my mind when snot is running down my nose.

So, after 101 colds, I feel there is likely nothing more I can learn about combating the common cold, and after all of my experimentation through 50 years, I am prepared to pass on to you (free of charge, mind you) the best remedy I'm aware of. My experience has shown that nothing cures the common cold better than this: Just wait 7 to 10 days. You'll feel much better.

~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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10 comments:

arlee bird said...

You are so right. Like I tell my wife, all these expensive things she likes to get for her colds do nothing but alleviate the symptoms (and there's nothing wrong with that), they do not cure the colds. She's a kindergarten teacher so as you might imagine she always around sniveling, sick little children who give her diseases that she will eventually bring back to me. Yechh! How did I ever manage to get through raising five kids?

Sharon Mayhew said...

Hot orange juice...it's the cure.

yağmur said...

Arlee Bird sent. Go on with blogging!!

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

rLEE-bro ~
Correct, my man. Some stuffs might help to alleviate some symptoms, but there ain't no cure. I think colds are like broken hearts, they just need some time to heal.

Sharon ~
Hot Tequila Sunrise is the cure you say? OK, thanks! That's a new one on me, so I'll give it a try.

Yagmur ~
Go on Blogging? You want me to keep on gettin' down with my bad self? Well... what's it worth to ya? Show me the money!

~ Stephen
McDoggtor O'Smartassness

arlee bird said...

Yo Stephen -- great analogy with the broken heart.

Now don't be trying to take Yagmur's money away from her. She just posted the other day about how she just earned her first $35 and advised her to save it. Did you check out some of her political posts -- she said she doesn't get many comments when she posts polically-- of course I didn't know what to say, but I bet you could think of something.

Hot orange juice? Hmmm-- now maybe the hot tequila sunrise I can see, but I don't think I'll be going there either. I'll stick with my hot tea with brandy, lemon, and honey.
Lee

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

>>[she doesn't get many comments when she posts politically ... I didn't know what to say, but I bet you could think of something.]<<

Hmmm... Nope. I looked, but nuffin' came to me. It seems she doesn't like George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and Sarah Palin.

I could have posted "Hear! Hear! and Hear!" but it hardly seemed worth saying.

Alas, I think I'd need a little more to go on in order to write something reasonably intelligent. Sorry, Brother.

~ Stephen
Doggtor O'Nuffin' To Say

arlee bird said...

I didn't know what to say, but I bet you could think of something.]<<

No apology needed--
Twas meant only in a rhetorical sense, not intended as a suggestion for any kind of action. To do so would be spanning generational, linguistic, cultural, political and other chasms that would render any discussion or debate useless, or at least overly complicated, in a medium such as this commentary forum. I just wanted to point out that there were some interesting opinions expressed coming from other lands, but I've got more things to think about than responding to them in a blog discussion as I'm sure you do. But isn't it cool--my efforts of promotion got you a comment from someone in Turkey.
Lee

Judy Harper said...

You're right, try making yourself comfortable and wait out a cold! One thing that warms me while I'm waiting is to take a package of TheraFlu (lemon), mix in hot water, wrap my hand around the hot cup, hold it to my chest, and breathe in the lemon smell, while occassionaly the liquid. Also, hot chocolate works good too. Over from Arlee Bird's post! Hope you get to feeling better!

Sharon Mayhew said...

Stephen---I don't know when my hot OJ advice became a mixed drink.(Although, it sounds rather nice.) I made my first hundred dollars in the writing industry this year. I'm going to cash the check (after I've photocopied it) and wrap it up in a box for my husband. I'm not sure how many boxes I owe him, but maybe I'll get closer next year. :)

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

rLEE-b ~
Yeah, Bro, I hear ya. I'm still amazed at how small the internet has suddenly made the world.

JUDY ~
Thanks a lot! Actually, I'm already feeling much better. In truth, the asparagus really does help to transform an acidic ill body into a more healthy alkaline body faster than most other foods. Colds still need at least a week, of course (and this cough will probably linger for awhile yet), but the worst is over. And because I hit the asparagus and the zinc early, it never got nearly as bad as it could have become. Thanks for your "Cs" (Concern and Comment).

SHARON ~
You're not sure when your hot OJ advice became a mixed drink? Seriously? You mean some people actually drink orange juice STRAIGHT?! That stuffs'll kill ya! Congrats on the writin' money! Let's see... back in 1990, my then girlfriend and I self-produced this ultra-cheap Western movie guide (but it had some funny moments) and a few copies of it actually sold right off the counter of some independent video rental shop. Didn't make nearly as much as $100. but it did keep me in Tequila Sunrises for an evening. Haven't made a dime from my writing since, but that's probably because I'm a lousy writer and drunk all the time. ;o)

~ Stephen
<"As a dog returns to his own vomit,
so a fool repeats his folly."
~ Proverbs 26:11>