ARK, BOOK & CANDLE [Photo Gallery]

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It wasn't one of my A-List Blog Bits. It might not have even been one of my B-List Blog Bits, so y'all might not even remember it at all. But late December last year, I posted a Blog Bit here at STUFFS titled 'Ark, Book & Candle (Or, The ABCs Of Xmas Decorating)'. The title was kind of a spin on the name of a 1958 movie - a romantic-comedy called 'Bell, Book And Candle' starring Jimmy Stewart, Kim Novak, Jack Lemmon, Ernie Kovacs, and Floyd The Barber. (I sometimes wonder if you folks are picking up on all the stuffs I slip into STUFFS.)

Anyway, the Blog Bit was about this house here in Phoenix which displays my favorite illuminated outdoor Christmas decorations. The house and its front yard are not especially large, and there are plenty more homes in The Valley Of The Sun which use more lights, making their displays more extravagant. But it is the uniqueness of this particular display which has made it my favorite in town, and a place regularly visited by me at least one night every Christmas season.

The decorations are evidently handmade but they look just great, particularly at night. Included are the signs "King Of Kings" and "Lord Of Lords", a couple of Candles, a replica of The Ark Of The Covenant, and (my favorite) on the roof, The Holy Bible, open to the Old Testament prophecy about the future arrival of the Baby who would become the Savior of the world: "Unto Us Is Born This Day A Child."

Unfortunately, last year I did not have the tools and the know-how to post photographs of this house with my Blog Bit. However, this year, I made two special trips to the house (once in the nighttime and once in the daytime) with my Brother's cell phone/camera, so I could actually SHOW y'all what this house looks like. After all, a picture paints a lot of words. (I don't know how many words because, as you know by now, my math stinks. But I know it's a lot of 'em.)

Below is the house as it looks under the golden Airheadzona December Sun:
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Here she is all lit up in splendor. Although the words of The Bible can't be read in this photograph due to the glare from the lights, I assure you that they are quite clear and legible when you are standing in front of or driving by the house.
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Here's a closeup of The Bible in the daylight:
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And here's a closeup at night:
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Here's a closer closeup at night. [If I'd had a ladder I would have taken a closeup while standing on their roof and pretending to be a reindeer.] :
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And lastly, here's an oblique view, showing all three: Ark, Book & Candle.
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These people do it up right. I'm both proud and jealous of 'em. And not only do they have the most original Christmas decorations I've seen in town, but (despite what I jokingly said in last year's Blog Bit), their house is decorated with an exceptional sense of "Balance."

*Very nicely done, you Good People on West Thunderbird Road. Very nicely done! (And "Thank You" for brightening up my Christmas.)

~ Stephen T. McCarthy
Doggtor Of Photographic Drive-Bys

Postscript: And I thank you too, Nappy, for the use of yer cell phone camera.

Link:
ARK, BOOK & CANDLE (Or, The ABCs Of Xmas Decorating) -- Original Blog Bit.
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IMAGES OF CHRISTMAS 2009

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Y'all had a Wonderful and Safe Christmas? I sure hope so.

OK, that's enough of this "niceness" stuffs. Let's get down to it.
I thought I'd post photos of some of the stuffs that made my Christmas special.

First of all, "The Reason For The Season": Below is the Nativity set which has been in our family since before I was born. This 13-piece set was made in Italy and purchased by my Ma the year she married my Pa - 1958. She got it at a J. J. Newberry's five and dime store located on Sunset Boulevard near downtown Los Angeles. This is the ONE house decoration I hope I never have to celebrate a Christmas without. This says it all, and it has always been so dear to me that I haven't the words for it.

Our Nativity set somehow managed to survive in a house with two boys and a girl (and one of those boys was my brother Nappy, the human Tasmanian Devil) but there are signs of wear and tear. One angel got decapitated, another angel got broken in half (praise God for glue!), the shepherd looks like he took a punch to the nose and one of his sheep has lost a foot. I guess an intelligent person would call that a "hoof". Nevertheless, in my eyes, this decoration is a priceless beauty. Irreplaceable in my heart.
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That's Muddy sitting below his Muddy Ornament and waiting to catch a glimpse of Santa Claus. My dear friend the Countess made the ornament for him in 1993, and it's a perfect likeness of the little fella. Muddy? He's my stuffed friend, given to me for Christmas by my Sister in 1983. He's also the subject of my children's book manuscript, 'The Misadventures Of Muddy, A Dirty Yellow Dog.' (Not coming to a bookstore near you anytime soon.)
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Below is one of my favorite Christmas tree ornaments. We have a few of these, which were purchased at the same time and place as our Nativity Set. There's a tin pinwheel inside a clear plastic body, and when these ornaments are hung above a light bulb, the rising heat causes the pinwheels to turn. Very cool, 1950s style Christmas tree ornaments.
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This little Glitter House below was made in West Germany and hung on my Ma's Christmas trees when she was young. When my Sister and I were little, we both developed a fascination with this particular ornament, each of us insisting on having the honor of hanging it. Over the years, a war ensued, each of us trying to be the last to hang it before Christmas morning. She would hide it somewhere, I'd find it and hide it elsewhere. She'd find it and hide it again, and on and on it went until late Christmas Eve.

One year she got me really good: Sister found it, lifted it up off the branch where I had put it, and then rehung it on the same branch. Finding it on the same branch where I had placed it earlier, I assumed I had won. On Christmas morning she revealed how she had bested me. DOH!!! Only a woman could be that devious! Well, Santa could bet his boots that I never fell for THAT trick again.

When Sis was here at my house this Christmas Eve - while Nappy was reading Shannon's 'Rudolph' Unplugged story - I saw her admiring our Christmas tree. I also saw her move the little Glitter House. Nice try, Sis. The first thing I did when she and her family left was... you know what I did - MOVED THE HOUSE! Unfortunately, the House has lost a lot of its Glitter due to the excessive handling over the decades, but everything has its price.
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Ahhh! Good Ol' Santa Claus! He knows what I want to find in my 'A Christmas Story' stocking on Christmas Day! EVERCLEAR Grain Alcohol, 190 proof. It comes with warnings . . .
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"CAUTION!!
EXTREMELY FLAMMABLE
HANDLE WITH CARE" and . . .
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"WARNING!!
OVERCONSUMPTION MAY ENDANGER
YOUR HEALTH" and . . .

"CAUTION: Do not apply to open flame. Keep away from fire, heat and open flame. Contents may ignite or explode."

Of course, Santa knows this stuffs is a little too rough "on the rocks" so he also left me a bottle of 151 proof Bacardi Rum so I could dilute the Everclear to a respectable, drinkable strength in my glass.

I actually used this stuffs to build and maintain the fire in my fireplace on Christmas. Applied it directly to an open flame just like the label warns against. It works great, too! Makes a HUGE fire with lots of pretty blue flames.
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Below are some of the gifts I received on Christmas morning lying under the tree along with the family's 'It's A Wonderful Life' Trivia Game (a.k.a. "Blood Sport"). There's my new 'Disappearing Civil Liberties Mug' (pour in some coffee and watch the Bill Of Rights disappear as you wake up). And there's my 'American Roots Music' DVD box set. And I see argyle sox, and the book 'The Nearest Faraway Place: Brian Wilson, The Beach Boys, And The Southern California Experience' which I will read next, right after I finish the book I'm currently in. And I also see . . .
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. . . the mug that Pooh sent me. Emblazoned on the outside is a photograph taken only minutes after Marcus Allen reversed field and ran for a touchdown in Super Bowl XVIII (1984). We at the Bay Street house were all rooting (violently!) for the Los Angeles Raiders, but Torch - the one League Of Soul Crusaders member who was rooting for the Redskins - was not welcome (or safe) in our company. At one point, he drove to our house, sneaked onto our roof and hung a large banner which read "Go 'Skins! Hog Wild!" and something about John Riggins. At the very moment Marcus Allen was making his spectacular run for the End Zone and we were going wild inside the house, Torch was on the roof. But someone saw him after he jumped down to the lawn and sprinted for his Cadillac, "Tiburon."

Tiburon went screaming down the street as we yanked down Torch's banner and torched it in our front yard.

That's me on the left in the black L.A. Raiders T-shirt, bottle of Coors beer in hand, with Nappy in the center as the banner begins to burn from the bottom up. The second mug Pooh (the photographer) sent shows the banner fully engulfed in flames while the gang stands around cheering (and drinking). Ahhh! What great memories! Those were the daze!
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When we were just wee little tots, our Pa worked with a guy who had written a Christmas song called 'Poppy The Puppy.' If I recall correctly (which is questionable), the songwriter's name was Pat Holiday. We had a record album titled '18 Christmas Songs' on Value Records which contained 'Poppy The Puppy', and this song and album were real favorites of We Three Kids. Well, one day, while the record was playing, Nappy (the human Tasmanian Devil) accidentally broke it in an unsuccessful attempt to leap over the record player. My Ma tried to glue it back together as if it were just another Nativity set angel. Ha! Not THIS time, Ma.

Well, I still put the old record cover and the broken record out as a house decoration all these years later. And not a Christmas has passed since then during which my Sister and I have failed to mention the broken record and given Nappy dirty looks and nasty words.
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Well, this year, on Christmas Day, Nappy and his guilty conscience (sick and tired of hearing about 'Poppy The Puppy') got on the computer and did a Google search for the song. To his great surprise and delight, he found that there exists a Gene Autry compact disc titled 'The Complete Columbia Christmas Recordings' which features 'Poppy The Puppy.' So, Nappy has vowed to buy us this album to atone for the crime - nay, "sin" - he committed about 40 years ago. He believes he will never have to hear about 'Poppy The Puppy' ever again. But I believe it's only a matter of time before he breaks the Gene Autry disc and Sis and I can go back to our "Traditional Christmas Criticism."
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I hope your Christmas was equally filled with fun, traditions, and surprises (and Everclear, if it's legal in your state).

Bless And Be Blessed.

~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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'TINY TIM'S CHRISTMAS ALBUM' [Join The Tiny Tim Wish Fulfillment Team!]

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“I believe in keeping the Christ in Christmas.”
~ Tiny Tim

Last month, I won a copy of ‘TINY TIM’S CHRISTMAS ALBUM’ at eBay. I got it for only ninety-nine cents! (I was the only person who placed a bid.) Well, let me tell ya, I feel that I scored big time.

I’ve found Tiny’s ‘Christmas Album’ to be not unlike most Tiny Tim projects. That is to say, it’s something of a mixed bag which includes some great stuffs, some things that are… uhm… hmmm… well, let’s just say “not too felly good-uh” and leave it at that. And then, of course, there are a few of those always endearing weird and wacky moments that stamp something as a genuine Tiny Tim affair.

In the first category, there is track #8, in which Tiny delivers in his big baritone voice the most utterly convincing, totally sincere, absolutely heartfelt version of ‘Silent Night’ I have ever heard! However, one of those strange Tiny Tim moments (“Timisms”) presents itself when he delivers a (off-the-cuff?) monologue in the middle of ‘Silent Night.’ How many listeners expect to get chastised during a Christmas carol? But tell us what you REALLY think, Tiny . . .

"Silent Night. Those words are true. For on one day we get pompous and religious, with great ornaments and great, great facades. But how many silent nights do we have in denying Jesus Christ the other three hundred and sixty-three days of the year? How many times do those of us who put on false tears and profess the kind of reverence on one day?

"Hypocrites, right in His name, professing His name. Fornicating with children; fornicating with young girls, and professing His name. A hatred of races, a secondary class and a thirdary class. And yet, we put on our best faces on one silent night of the year.

"But our silent nights in professing Jesus Christ’s name every day of the year, in the shame of mentioning the name of Jesus Christ in public because our friends won’t like it; our business friends may deny us. It’s not chic to mention the name of Jesus Christ, so we mention God, or we mention Lord, but we’re really silent to His ways – WE’RE REALLY SILENT! We have silent nights every day of our lives, except for Christmas Eve. O ye hypocrites. O Lord, be merciful to me, a sinner. SING THE SONG! But first… do His deeds."
~ Tiny Tim

A “thirdary” class? God bless Tiny Tim!

There’s a song on Tiny’s ‘Christmas Album’ titled ‘Mission Bell’ in which Tiny does some Rapping. Uh… Ha! …yeah, seriously, Tiny Knows Rap!

But without a doubt my favorite wacky Timism comes in the middle of his eight-minute ‘O Come All Ye Faithful’ Medley. While singing ‘Amazing Grace’, unfortunately, Tiny suddenly has a brief coughing fit. But like the trouper he was, Tiny sings right through it. After all, the show must go on!

A little over a week ago, I played that for my brother Nappy while he was eating. It caught him in mid-mouthful and I was afraid he was going to spew half-chewed food all over the walls.

This last weekend, he approached me at one point and said, “You know what I want to hear? I want you to play me that song where Tiny Tim starts coughing again. I’ve been thinking about that all week long.”

So I put it on again, and Nappy and I cracked up and agreed that it’s pretty much the funniest thing of all time. Oh, God, I love Tiny Tim!

With total honesty, I can tell you that I would have happily paid over ten bucks alone just to get a copy of Tiny Tim coughing through ‘Amazing Grace’. So, when I tell you that I feel I scored big time in getting the entire album for just ninety-nine cents, you can (sorta) understand where I’m comin’ from.

Well, now onto the business at hand . . .

This is 2009’s final reminder to y’all about Making A Wish For Tiny Tim on Christmas Day. If you’re not sure what we’re doing here or why we’re doing it, then make sure you read or reread this: THE MAKERS OF ‘MOTHER CROAKER’S HEMORRHOID OINTMENT’ PRESENT . . .

That will explain this (at least to the degree that it’s explainable).

And here’s my promise to all of my friends and to all of Tiny’s fans worldwide: If you ‘Make A Wish For Tiny Tim’ this Christmas Day or any Christmas Day in the future, and if you post a comment anywhere on my Blog letting me know that you’ve done this great thing for Tiny, I promise to add your name below to ‘The Tiny Tim Wish Fulfillment Team’ roster. Do it and tell me – and let me know generally where you did it – and I will applaud your wish for Tiny by publicly proclaiming it.

At the time of this posting, ‘The Tiny Tim Wish Fulfillment Team’ is comprised of just four individuals, but I hope and trust that I will be adding YOUR NAME to the list below before long. I thank you and (I assume) Tiny thanks you for your generous spirit in making a wish for Tiny Tim.

THE TINY TIM WISH FULFILLMENT TEAM:

#One: Napoleon “3-D.” McCarthy – Airheadzona, U.S.A. [Nappy made the original Wish For Tiny Tim, circa 1999. Nappy is the founder of our festivity.]

#2: Stephen T. McCarthy – Airheadzona, U.S.A. [Yours Truly joined my Brother in making a wish for Tiny Tim, circa 2000, and this doggone wacky annual tradition was born.]

#3: Amy, the Flying Aardvark – California, U.S.A. [She began making a traditional Christmas Day wish for Tiny in 2007, extending this weirdness beyond just the McCarthy Loonies.]

#4: Mr. Paulboy Prodigalman VI – Washington state, U.S.A. [Joined the team on 12/25/2008.]

#5: Tennessee Kat - Tennessee, U.S.A. [Joined the team on 12/25/2009.]

#6: Lyle "Pooh" Flynn - California, U.S.A. [Joined the team on 12/25/2009.]

#7: Ol' WP (aka "Kalamata Br-O") - Connecticut, U.S.A. [Joined the team on 12/25/2009.]

#8: [Will YOU be number eight? Yeah, you! I’m talkin’ to you!]

“Do your best and pray for the rest.”
~ Tiny Tim

Please don’t forget Tiny this Christmas Day and every Christmas Day to come. Thanks! You'z good people.

Ukulelely Yours,
~ Stephen T. McCarthy

Postscript: Incidentally, you have never really lived until you’ve heard Tiny Tim’s cocktail lounge version of Led Zeppelin’s signature song ‘Stairway To Heaven.’
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MYSTERY CHRISTMAS TREE IN THE MIDDLE-OF-NOWHERE, ARIZONA

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[Looking West from The Middle-Of-Nowhere, Arizona.]

“Writing is your forte, STM,” my Pa told me over and over again. When other folks thought I should try pursuing a career in art, my Pa would tell me, “Writing is your forte, STM.” And even through those years when I was sure that acting was the gig I was created for, and I studied that craft with a single-minded purpose and even began to receive a little professional encouragement, my Pa would always insist that writing was my forte.

He was always telling me to get my stories down on paper and try selling them. But it wasn’t only fiction he wanted me to write; Pa also wanted to see me exercising my ability to bitch by writing nasty letters to businesses and corporations that had done something to upset him. Everytime someone gave us a bit of trouble, Pa would say, “STM, I want you to write them a letter of complaint. You got that?”
“OK,” I’d say.
“Are you going to do it?” he’d ask me with suspicion in his voice.
“Sure,” I’d casually answer – both of us knowing that I had not the slightest intention of writing a letter of complaint.
“No, I mean it. I want you to write that letter this time,” he’d insist.
“I know. I will, I will!” I’d blatantly lie.
But he didn’t forget easily, and every once in awhile he’d ask again, “Have you gotten on that letter yet?”
“No, but I’m workin’ on it.”

If I tried writing every letter Pa had insisted upon, I’d still be writing them today with no end yet in sight.

Now, it’s true that I did on a few occasions write Letters O’Bitch. For instance, when the Los Angeles Dodgers unloaded pitcher Fernando Valenzuela and some maroons in L.A. publicly stated that it was due to a racist attitude on the part of the Dodger organization, I did fire off a letter defending the Dodgers' decision - a letter which the Los Angeles Times printed. And I did write a couple nasty letters to Prescott, Arizona's newspaper while I was living there, and those got printed also. I had one letter printed in the Phoenix newspaper regarding the terribly misunderstood subject of “Separation of Church and State.” But I just didn’t feel I had the time and the anger necessary to compose a lot of Letters O’Bitch.

Prior to 1994, there were some long stretches of Interstate 17 between Phoenix and Cordes Junction that were just one lane in each direction. Making that drive as many times as we did, it seemed almost inevitable that at some point, out of seemingly nowhere, some geriatric driver would turn onto the highway in front of us and bring all the traffic to a frustrating crawl. We’d be making pretty good time when suddenly we’d find ourselves behind some grey-headed driver going well under the speed limit. Here we are with no way of passing for miles and miles and feeling like we’re aging in dog years! Aaarrrgh!

Well, this happened so often that it became quite predictable, and my Pa began to insist that these old battle-axes were “organized” with the intent to slow down the traffic on Interstate 17. We would even begin watching for the old slowpoke. “Well, she should be along any minute now.” And turning onto the highway in front of us from some unpaved rural road came the car we were expecting. “There she is. Two minutes late.” This became a running joke with us, and on several occasions my Pa told me, “I want you to write this story, STM.”

Well, to everyone’s surprise – not least of all my own – in 1994, after moving back home to Los Angeles from Airheadzona, I actually did write that story and sent it to my Pa. In fact, I had envisioned the story two different ways, and when I couldn’t decide which way was best, I wrote two versions of the story which I titled ‘The Legend Of Cordes Junction’ and I mailed them to my Pa who was still in Arizona. He couldn’t believe it! I had finally followed through on a story idea. And it was made all the better because Pa really enjoyed BOTH of the ways I wrote it. I entered it in an Airheadzona short story contest once, but like Yukon Cornelius, I was rewarded with “Nuthin’.” However, my Pa liked the story and that was reward enough. (Maybe someday I’ll post one or both versions of ‘The Legend Of Cordes Junction’ on this Blog O’Mine.)

Anyway . . . I told you all that to get you HERE: Take a map of the state of Arizona and put your finger right where you estimate the center to be. Now slide your finger just slightly to the left until it makes contact with Interstate 17. I’ll bet your finger is now very close to touching a wide spot in the road called Cordes Junction (pronounced “Cor-dess”). Well, about a five minute drive south from Cordes Junction is The Middle-Of-Nowhere. It’s not officially called that by anyone but I refer to it that way. But every December there is one particular tree in the middle-of-the-highway in The Middle-Of-Nowhere which mysteriously gets decorated for Christmas. And just about every year the Phoenix newspaper, The Arizona Republic, runs at least one column about it. This tree which is anonymous and nearly invisible from mid-January until the tail of November, has become well known during the Christmas season. In other words, it gets 15 minutes of fame every year beginning just after Thanksgiving and continuing through New Year’s Day.

Below are a couple of pieces that the Phoenix newspaper ran about this mystery tradition during Christmas seasons past:

UNEXPECTED GIFT
“THE JUNIPER”

~ The Arizona Republic
1997, December 13.

It is a most forgettable tree.
It disappears into the growth in the middle of the median on Interstate 17. It is unexceptional, socializing only with a holly bush and cactus in the desert about 70 miles north of Phoenix. Automobiles and trucks roll by, ignoring the juniper and its austere life along the highway.

But when the sun drops in the sky, and December seizes the desert floor, this most forgettable tree blossoms with a harvest of color and clutter.

Ornaments.
Stuffed animals.
Streamers.
A Christmas star.
The strange annual blossoms radiate on the branches in mystical bounty.

Those who live nearby say the tree is especially attractive this year though they do not understand the mystery of the juniper.

Who caused the embellishments, who nurtured the man-made blossoms is a desert enigma, left for those with analytical endurance.

For others, this most forgettable tree is another unexpected gift for December travelers along a desert path.
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[The Mystery Christmas Tree in the Middle-Of-Nowhere, Arizona.]

Here’s another article about the tree, printed in The Arizona Republic on December 3, 2000:

MYSTERY TREE A WONDERFUL GIFT FOR CHRISTMAS
by David Leibowitz

You drive north on Interstate 17, and the Phoenix core begins to disintegrate. Four lanes of highway narrow to two. The asphalt lightens, and the strip malls give way to buttes. You catalogue these changes with a destination in mind, a goal. To make the city vanish.

Every city resident needs this break occasioanlly, especially these days, during the commercial crush in the run-up to Christmas, when all the Valley feels like one parking lot beside one mall.

This year annoys more than most, mainly because the soundtrack to the holiday isn’t ‘Jingle Bells’ but a stentorian radio voice reporting “breaking news from Florida.”

The voice sounds again as you pass Dead Man Wash: “We take you now to Tallahassee and a press conference. …”

This droning binds you to the city, to the everyday. You nudge the accelerator nearer the floor as you recall the destination: a small plot of ground in the middle of nowwhere. Hallowed ground.

The hills come now as you pass Little Squaw Creek and wind through Black Canyon City. Now come the Arizona names every resident should treasure – Bumble Bee, Crown King, Horsethief Basin.

You whip past Sunset Point, then start counting the mile posts: 253, 254. Another few hundred yards.

There. In the median strip, standing tall and colorful. As it does every year. A juniper tree, perhaps 15, 20 feet high, fully decorated for Christmas – from the ground to the gold-and-white star at the pinnacle.

The tree dwarfs you as you jog across the interstate. There are no cars in sight, no sound save the wind. The city is gone.

This makes the I-17 juniper Arizona’s finest Christmas gift. And Arizona’s biggest Christmas mystery. See, no one who knows will tell who decorates this tree every year. It started happening about 15 years ago, the legend goes. They – whoever they are – come in the dead of night on the weekend after Thanksgiving and leave behind a tree full of homemade ornaments. This year, you will find candy canes the size of hockey sticks and glittery pie tins and bulbs as big as bowling balls. There’s Santa’s face, a snowman or two, white doves and spray-painted wooden stars.

Sgt. Randy Sortor has patrolled this stretch of I-17 for the Arizona Department of Public Safety since 1981. He passes the juniper two, three, four times a day. “I think it’s great,” the sergeant says. “It kind of takes your mind off the stuff that’s going on around the counrty and makes you think about the season and what it means.”

At the state Department of Transportation, spokesman Doug Nintzel has been passing the tree since his college days at Northern Arizona University. He’s asked around about the mystery decorators with no luck. “I’ve heard all the rumors – about a group from Arcosanti, that it’s a local family that gets together. They do a great job keeping it a mystery though. … We do not have people sharing any secrets.” By the way: “It’s a mystery most of us hope is never solved,” Nintzel says. “It’s best that way. I think we need that kind of stuff, especially at this time of the year – something that continues as tradition without being spoiled. Every year, it’s a great surprise.”

You stand before the juniper with the city at your back, 50 miles distant, and you agree. In an age of hype and commercialism, a time where even the smallest good deed requires a standing ovation, this tree stands as a small, perfect gesture.

You stare into a mirrored ornament and catch your own reflection. When, you wonder, was the last time you smiled like that?
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[Mystery Tree with the northbound lanes of I-17 to the right. Next stop: Cordes Junction.]

Being the strange duck that I am, on January 1st, 1996 - known to you as “New Year’s Day” but known to my Pa and me as “Margarita Day” - I got the idea that I should drive up to this Mystery Tree and hang on it a copy of my short story, ‘The Legend Of Cordes Junction.’ My Pa liked the idea, and so we went together. Well, he WOULD like the idea. I mean, where do you think my weirdness came from? [Thanks for the Wackygenes, Pa!]

When we arrived at our destination – almost an hour north of Phoenix - we pulled off to the side of the highway, and I ran over to the median where the tree grows and I hung my story on it in a Ziploc bag. Then we drove the rest of the way to Prescott and each hoisted a margarita in celebration of the day. That was the last “Margarita Day” Pa and I got to celebrate together. He passed away on April 10th of that year.

In my Pa’s honor, I drove up to the Mystery Tree on “Margarita Day” the following year and again affixed a copy of my short story to it. And a tradition was born. Three or four years later, my brother Napoleon joined me in this tradition. And I continued this act of honoring my Pa for a decade. I believe it was the eleventh year when I finally grew tired of stopping at the tree and running across Interstate 17 to hang my story. So, that year, for the first time, I hung the longer, alternate version of ‘The Legend Of Cordes Junction’ on the tree and ended that part of the tradition. Although Nappy and I still make that drive past the Mystery Tree every “Margarita Day”, I haven’t decorated it with my story since then.

Yet still, the warm, glowing memory of my Pa’s friendship and his willingness to go along with my weird ideas, fills my heart and mind when I drive past the Mystery Tree at the speed limit or faster every January 1st. You see, in the mid-1990s, the state of Airheadzona finally widened Interstate 17, giving us a much needed passing lane. There’s no more getting stuck behind some organized group of geriatric Cordes Junctionites intent on slowing down life. Hallelujah! Give ‘er the gas! There’s a margarita with my name on it up around that next cactus-covered butte.

~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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'RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER' UNPLUGGED

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On Christmas Day, 1993, I received a gift from my niece, Shannon, who was then just four or five years old. My Sister had Shannon dictate the story of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (from her little perspective), which my Sis wrote in a handmade book of cardboard tied together with ribbons, and then Shannon illustrated it. Well, this story has since grown into a McCarthy Family classic.

At some point on Christmas Eve, after we have all played the 'It's A Wonderful Life' Triva Game and everyone's bleeding has stopped, we all gather together, usually around the Christmas Tree, and brother Napoleon reads Shannon's story. It's my book, damn it, but Nappy insists he gets to read it. And he has done so for so many Christmas Eves that to change it now would be to upset the Traditional Applecart. Mustn't screw with tradition! (Besides, Nappy is one of the toughest men on the planet and he would kick the crap outta me.) And every December 24th, when Nappy reads the book, Shannon gets all embarrassed. Personally, I think all the metal rods and rings sticking out of her (follower's) face is far more embarrassing than anything in the book, but maybe that's just me.

Anyone familiar with the 1964 Rankin-Bass animated television special 'Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer' will surely notice that Shannon has drawn heavily from it in telling her tale. But at times, she looks elsewhere; in one place she borrows the term "street rat" from Disney's movie 'Aladdin', which was very popular at that time. And then later, she unplugs the story from all television shows and movies when from out of nowhere, she introduces these malevolent scissors, which threatens to turn the entire story into a bad LSD trip. But fortunately, however, she somehow manages to rein it all back in again and provide us with a happy ending. I also appreciate how Shannon occasionally restates certain ideas just to make sure that the reader hasn't missed them.

So, sit back now with a nice cup of hot chocolate or a glass of Sailor Yoey O'Dogherty's 130 proof South Pacific Raping And Pillaging Spiced Rum, and enjoy this McCarthy Family classic:

RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
by Shannon

Once upon a time, it was a beautiful morning.
Rudolph woke up that morning.

He met Clairesse.
They both ate too many breakfasts.
Their tummies hurt.
They had stomach aches.

They joined the reindeer games,
but they laughed and called them names.
Rudolph said, "Stop calling me names."

But they all cheered and laughed at him.
They kept doing it and called them names.

They called him "Donner" and "Blickson"
and "Street Rat" and "Santa"
and "Dumb Guy" and "Dumb Rudolph."
Poor Rudolph, he had to go home and never
come back to the reindeer games again.

He sat next to a Christmas tree
and out of the snow there were berries and leaves.
A face sticked out and it reminded him of Herbie,
and it was Herbie.

Herbie said, "Is this your bank?"
And he said, "Uh-uh."
"It's not your snow bank?" said Herbie.

The Snow Monster came and he was horrible.
He hated everything to do with Christmas.
The Monster started grabbing them
but they got away over a gate.

They tripped over a tree branch.
Rudolph jumped over it before he got cut by The Scissors.
The Scissors went "Snip, Snip, Snip."

Santa came and said,
"Herbie, you're supposed to be making toys."
He snapped at him and sent him to his work.
His leg was hurt and he couldn't sit down.
He had to walk on one foot.
A storm came and blew the snow out of the North Pole.

Rudolph sent Herbie to the hospital
and ripped a Band-Aid off and put it on him.
He went to the store for medicine
and made Herbie all better.
And they lived happily ever after.

The End

Classic stuffs, sez I. Hope ya dug it, too.

~ Stephen T. McCarthy
Author Shannon's Uncle
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WINTER ADVICE: THE CURE FOR THE COMMON COLD

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Suffering now as I am from the 101st cold of my lifetime, I have acquired expertise in the management of this particular illness. Out of the kindness of my heart, I wish to make you the beneficiary of my firsthand knowledge.

Be it known that at one time or another, I have employed nearly every cold remedy devised by mankind. I have eaten lots of Asparagus (to alkalize the body quickly); I have swallowed a ton of Zinc, and I have tried everything else between A & Z. I've used over-the-counter pharmaceutical products, under-the-counter pharmaceutical products, and even some stuffs I've scraped off the top of the counter. I've tried the traditional old home remedies like getting lots of Vitamin C or drinking Apple Cider Vinegar, and I've taken products created in expensive laboratories with names I can't even pronounce. Through the decades I've tried the commonplace suggestions like sipping Hot Tea with lemon and honey, and I've even used some unorthodox remedies like spraying whiskey up my nose. I've tried applying a poultice made from snips and snails and puppy-dog tails, and when that didn't work, I tried a poultice of sugar and spice and everything nice. Same result. One time, I was so desperate that I even resorted to simmering eye of newt, wing of bat, and wart of witch in a cauldron of blood from sixteen virgins and then applied the stuffs into my ear canals with an eyedropper.

Of course, it hasn't been exclusively chemical and liquid and edible medicines I have attempted to overcome my colds with; I've also tried the more spiritual approach. More than once I've given meditation a shot - you know, aligning my mind with the Mind of God, realizing for myself that I have been created by God and in His image. How can anything created in the image of God be ill. Right? Well, I've found that it's pretty difficult to quiet my mind when snot is running down my nose.

So, after 101 colds, I feel there is likely nothing more I can learn about combating the common cold, and after all of my experimentation through 50 years, I am prepared to pass on to you (free of charge, mind you) the best remedy I'm aware of. My experience has shown that nothing cures the common cold better than this: Just wait 7 to 10 days. You'll feel much better.

~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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I WANT A HIPPIE POTTY-MOUTH FOR CHRISTMAS!

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[From the STMcC archive; 2007, Dec. 3rd.]
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The Little Drummer Boy
DVD
.

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In his famous book, 'WALDEN', Henry David Thoreau wrote: "If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer."

Little Aron is MY drummer, boy. Get yer own!

A Charlie Brown Christmas
DVD
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"In countless homes around the world, the Christmas season doesn't officially start until Linus shuffles to center stage, raises a finger and says, 'Lights, please'." Thus wrote journalist Dave Walker.

Frosty The Snowman
DVD
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"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" says Frosty the snowman.
(Sure, he may be a cool dude, but he's about as bright as a snow cone.)

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
DVD
.

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See my guide "Ho!-Ho!-Oh! Merry Christmus!" to read my theory about Jessica Claus' plastic surgery and bust enhancement.

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer
DVD
.

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See my guide "Ho!-Ho!-Oh! Merry Christmus!" to learn how DEY MOIDED DA BOID!

Rudolph, Frosty & Friends Favorite Christmas Songs
by (you guessed it!) Rudolph, Frosty & Friends
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Classic television songs! Buy this compact disc before Burgermeister Meisterburger declares it illegal, immoral, unlawful, and says that anyone found with it in their possession will be thrown in the dungeon. (No kidding!)

The Best of Leroy Anderson: Sleigh Ride
by (you guessed it again!) Leroy Anderson
.

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Nothing says "Christmas" to me like Leroy Anderson's original 1948 instrumental, 'Sleigh Ride.' Believe it or not, he composed it during a July heat wave in Connecticut. Wow! What an imagination!

The Christmas Music of Johnny Mathis: A Personal Collection
by Johnny Mathis
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No singer handles Christmas standards better than Johnny Mathis. 'Winter Wonderland' transforms me into a kid again! See my review titled, "ATTENTION: THIS E-MAIL JUST IN FROM THE NORTH POLE."

Christmas Collection
by The Carpenters
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The Carpenters make lovely music celebrating the birth of
a carpenter's Son.

Music Of Christmas
by Percy Faith And His Orchestra
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Well, I suppose it's better to have percy faith than
no faith at all.

22 Merry Christmas Favorites
by Lawrence Welk
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Gimme an old-fashioned Christmas with Lawrence Welk rockin' around the Christmas tree. C'mon baby, let's take a Welk on the wild side! Uhm, walk on the Welk side? Aw, you know what I mean. Welk Wules! Yeah, that's what I'M talkin' 'bout!

Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics
by George Carlin
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Nah. Thanks anyway, but this ain't the
"hippie potty-mouth" I want for Christmas.

It's A Wonderful Life
DVD
.

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Every Christmas Eve our family forms teams (except Nappy usually has no partner) and we play the 'It's A Wonderful Life' Trivia Game. It's all in fun, and no one takes it too seriously. Here's a list of the past winners:

1998: Rick & Sher
1999: Rick & Sher
2000: Rick & Sher
2001: Rick & Sher
2002: Rick & Sher
2003: Stephen & Ty
2004: Stephen & Ty
2005: Stephen & Ty
2006: Stephen & Ty
2007: Nappy
2008: Rick & Sher
2009: Stephen & Ty

But, you know, who's keepin' score? It's just a very relaxing way to spend some entertaining time together, enjoying each other's company. (And we've all learned that if one wears a red shirt on Christmas Eve, the blood stains don't show very much after the game is over.)

Miracle On 34th Street
DVD
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"Well, a man’s gotta do SOMETHING to keep warm."
Thus sayeth the drunken Santa in 'Miracle On 34th Street' - justifying the pint of Christmas Cheer in his coat pocket.

Hot And Spicy Winter Toddy Mix
.

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Well, a man's gotta do SOMETHING to keep warm.
(Don't forget to add the rum, rummy!)

A Christmas Story
DVD
.

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Yeah? Well, let's see YOU place your tongue against the frozen North Pole. Go on! "I triple-dog dare ya!"

And don't-cha just love that scene with the impatient elves and the evil Santa at the department store? Ha! I knew you did, man. Funniest scene in any movie EVER!

Scrooge
DVD
.

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Marvelous sets and music, with Albert Finney leading a great English cast makes this funny and joyful production the definitive version of 'A Christmas Carol.' Be sure you see this one! -- "THANK YOU VERY MUCH!"

Dr. Demento Presents:
The Greatest Christmas Novelty CD
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It wouldn't be Christmas without hearing 'Santa Claus And His Old Lady' and 'I Yust Go Nuts At Christmas' and 'I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas.'

Oh! Wait! It's a "HIPPOPOTAMUS"? Not a "HIPPIE POTTY-MOUTH"?

Oops. Sorry. My Mistake.

Holy Bible: From The Ancient Eastern Text
Translated by George M. Lamsa
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LUKE, Chapters 1 & 2 = The Reason For The Season.

Give someone the perfect CHRISTmas gift this year: The Word Of God.

This is the best translation of God's Bestseller. It's twue! It's twue!

Care Bears Holiday Hugs
.

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We all know, of course, that Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer. But I wouldn't CARE BEARY much if Santa "accidentally" ran over a few of these crummy commercial critters, too. Would you?

Christmas Album
by Tiny Tim
.

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Tiny Tim said: "Most of all, I'd love to see Christ come back to crush the spirit of hate and make men put down their guns.
I'd also like just one more hit single."

Every Christmas Day, my brother Nappy and I drop a coin into a body of water and make a wish that Tiny Tim will get his second hit song.

Won't you help us make Tiny Tim's dream come true? Let's all wish Tiny out of the One-Hit Wonder category posthumously! Drop a coin into water and send out a wish for Tiny on December 25th. Make it a part of your own Christmas tradition, too.

A Charlie Brown Christmas
The Original Soundtrack Recording Of The CBS Television Special
by Vince Guaraldi
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The Vince Guaraldi Trio's soundtrack to the Charlie Brown television special has become a genuine Christmas classic in its own right. Cool, Jazzy, and childlike in its joyful simplicity. Beautiful work by a unique keyboard stylist. When I made the switch from LPs to CDs in 1989, this was one of the first compact discs I bought. Heck, I'm gonna put it on RIGHT NOW!

How the Grinch Stole Christmas!
by Dr. Seuss
DVD
.

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His heart grew how many sizes that day?
C'mon! Ya gotta pay attention!

I hope you enjoyed this Christmas List. But if you didn't, then go make yer own damn list!

Oh yeah, and have a Wonderful Christmas, too.
No, REALLY! I'm being serious now.

(And please, don't forget about Tiny Tim. . . . Yes, still being serious.)

Merry Merry!
~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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ANNOUNCEMENT: ‘STEPHEN T. McCARTHY STUFFS’ RECEIVES MAJOR AWARD!

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It is my great pleasure to inform everyone not reading this Blog that ‘STEPHEN T. McCARTHY STUFFS’ is the recipient of the prestigious METIBA. As I’m sure everyone is already aware, METIBA is pronounced “ME-TEA-BUH” and it is the acronym for one of the most respected honors in Blogland: the ‘Most Entertaining Totally Ignored Blog Award.’

I was informed just this morning that ‘Stephen T. McCarthy Stuffs’ had been nominated by Mr. Egbert Sousè of the METIBA board of directors and that it won the award after receiving unanimous approval by the METIBA election committee.

Unfortunately, the METIBA is just an honorary thang – I mean, it doesn’t come with a cash award, a gift certificate, or even a case of Mad Dog 20/20. In fact, there isn’t even a trophy to display alongside my old Little League ribbons. Nevertheless, I consider it a great honor to have had my Blog named as a METIBA winner; I feel quite proud of this accomplishment and I hereby vow to continue to conduct myself personally and continue to direct this Blog in a way that is synonymous with the high standards set by former METIBA recipients.

I wish to thank Mr. Egbert Sousè and the entire METIBA election committee for bestowing upon ‘Stephen T. McCarthy Stuffs’ and myself this illustrious award. And, naturally, I wish to thank YOU, my nonreaders, for making it all possible.

Sincerely Grateful,
~ Stephen T. McCarthy
King Of ‘Stuffs’
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THE MAKERS OF ‘MOTHER CROAKER’S HEMORRHOID OINTMENT’ PRESENT . . .

.

.
MAKE A WISH FOR

. . . . TINY TIM

“MOST OF ALL, I’D LOVE TO SEE CHRIST COME BACK TO CRUSH THE SPIRIT OF HATE AND MAKE MEN PUT DOWN THEIR GUNS. I’D ALSO LIKE JUST ONE MORE HIT SINGLE.”
~ TINY TIM
[Interviewed by Harold Ramis for
Playboy magazine, June, 1970]

Tiny Tim WILL get his second hit single. I am determined to see it occur in my lifetime. I won’t rest until Tiny’s voice is once again heard on radios from coast to coast. Every Christmas Day for about the last ten years, my brother Nappy and I have each dropped a coin into a fish pond here in Phoenix, Airheadzona, and we’ve each made a wish that Tiny Tim will score one more hit song. (My dear friend the Flyin’ Aardvark has made a similar wish in Los Angeles the last two or three December 25ths. Thanks, Aard! Yer a true friend.)

“I always believed in telling the truth and I feel very guilty when I don’t – though I do exaggerate a little sometimes.”
~ Tiny Tim
Ibid.

But we’ll get back to this Make A Wish For Tiny Tim campaign shortly. Right now, I want to relate to you some . . .

BIG TINY NEWS

In December of 2008, I placed an online order for a copy of Tiny’s first album ‘God Bless Tiny Tim’ which included his one hit song ‘Tip-Toe Thru The Tulips With Me’, which climbed to #17 on the Billboard charts in 1968. ‘Tip-Toe’ was the only Tiny Tim song I had ever heard. I was pretty sure I’d never play this album during the year, but I thought it would be a nice touch to listen to ‘Tip-Toe Thru The Tulips With Me’ every Christmas Day, just before Nappy and I go out to make our traditional Tiny Tim wish. A few days before Christmas, my order arrived and I was disappointed to find that I had accidentally ordered the LP format rather than the compact disc. I have no record player anymore, so I just put the album out as a house decoration and, like the Dodgers, I said to myself: Wait ‘til next year.
.

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“I finished three years at George Washington High School and then I was asked to leave. … They thought it would be better for me to go out and look for work.”
~ Tiny Tim
Ibid.

Well, last month, I tried again but found that ‘God Bless Tiny Tim’ is out-of-print and used copies on compact disc are quite expensive. I found that I could buy a brand new 3-CD box set which includes Tiny’s first three Reprise recordings in their entirety, plus a lot of singles and demos, for not much more money than sellers were asking for just the one used copy of his first album. I knew it was dumb to spend this much green for one song that I’d listen to one day a year, but being the dumb guy I am, I did it anyway.

“Then for a while, I worked as a bobbin boy in a factory, changing the bobbins on sewing machines, but they let me go pretty quick.”
~ Tiny Tim
Ibid.

It’s better to be lucky than smart! On October 24, 2009, the box set arrived and I listened to it at work. The opening track, ‘Welcome to My Dream’ was what I expected: appropriately weird, with Tiny singing in that warbling falsetto
a cappella. The next song up was my favorite One-Hit Wonder’s one hit, ‘Tip-Toe Thru The Tulips With Me.’ I’d heard it plenty of times before (I’m old enough to remember more than enough about 1968) and it’s hard not to smile at ‘Tip-Toe’, but – well, you know the song, so . . . well, you know.

About midway through track #3, ‘Livin’ In The Sunlight, Lovin’ In The Moonlight’ I was thinking: Hmmm… well, that’s not so bad. Next up, ‘On The Old Front Porch’, and I’m left scratching my head and thinking: Wait a minute here! I actually liked that. Quite a bit, in fact. Track #5 is called ‘The Viper’ – it’s not really a song, more like a two-minute spoken piece that’s meant to be humorous. I wasn’t laughing. Track #6, ‘Stay Down Here Where You Belong.’ Wow! An opening blast of electric organ (my favorite musical instrument) leads into a powerful anti-war song! What the hell’s going on here? I’m actually digging this stuffs, man! Shhh! Don’t tell anyone! OK, so Tiny got lucky on a couple of tunes; it must be a fluke.

“From 1944 to 1947, I listened to every Dodgers game on the radio – every game of the season. In those days, when they went on the road, Red Barber used to describe the game from a ticker tape. And he always said, when someone like Eddie Stanky came up, that the greats of the game had real hustle. Even though it might have been the last of the ninth, with two outs and a three-and-two count on him, Mr. Stanky would manage to get on base – because he had moxie. That’s where I got my nerve – from scrappers like Mr. Stanky, Mr. Reese, Mr. Robinson, Louie Olmo and Frenchy Bordagaray. I learned to say to myself, ‘There are people who have ten times the talent you do, so you’ve got to hustle.’ My secret was persistence.”
~ Tiny Tim
Ibid.

SHOCK AND AWE!

Next batter up is ‘Then I’d Be Satisfied With Life.’ I love it! I Love it, I tell ya! And now I’m convinced of the topnotch production and genuine musicality of the album ‘God Bless Tiny Tim’, but I’m also quite concerned about my sanity. Then track #8 plays – the haunting ‘Strawberry Tea’. Shock and Awe! Well, knock me down, step on my face! Hokey-Smoke and Hoo-Wee all over the place! To my inexpressible surprise, I’m forced to admit the obvious. I get down on my knees and I pray: “Dear Lord, please forgive me, but I’m a Tiny Tim fan. I could deny it, God, but I know you can see into my heart, and You’d know the Truth no matter how much I protested.”

Then I got up off my knees, cranked up the Tiny Tunes and danced! Reading the liner notes in the box set’s accompanying booklet – notes penned by the good Doctor Demento (Mr. Barry Hansen) – I come to realize that I don’t just like Tiny’s tunes, but I like Tiny Tim the dude, too. What a freak! What a weirdo! What an original! I’m a big Tiny fan now! Big Tiny Fans, unite!
.

.
“I began to accept Christ in 1952. … I prayed to Christ, knowing that he could see the loneliness in my heart.”
~ Tiny Tim
Ibid.

Across these three discs, I had other gems to discover in this Tiny gold mine. To name a few: the sorta spiritual, Christian Scientistic ‘Fill Your Heart’; the melancholy ‘This Is All I Ask’; the falsetto-drenched ‘Hello, Hello’; the 1920s/’30s stylized ‘Christopher Brady’s Ol’ Lady’, ‘Down Virginia Way’ and ‘Frisco Flo’, which “I’m a nut” about – it’s definitely amongst Tiny’s top three for me! And how ‘bout the song ‘It Took A Good Good Woman (To Make My Life A Mess)’ and Tiny’s heartfelt ‘What The World Needs Now Is Love.’ Also, ‘School Days’ – a song my Pa (may he rest in Peace) used to sing around the house when I was a kid. And seriously, what could be more apropos than Tiny covering The Doors’ song ‘People Are Strange’? You go, girl! Er… boy. Whatever.

I showed up at work two weeks ago singing Tiny’s ‘Ever Since You Told Me That You Love Me (I’m A Nut)’ and a coworker of mine almost fell down laughing.

“I told them that I’d be a great star of the Sixties, Seventies, Eighties and Nineties, but my mother said, ‘He’s sick.’ I said, ‘Don’t you dare discourage me. Someday you’ll see my name in lights on Broadway, because even though you think I’m a bum now, I have Jesus Christ with me, and if He helps me play the game right, then I’m going to make it.’ I refused to be defeated spiritually. And I finally DID make it. That’s how I know Jesus Christ has always been with me and that’s why He means so much to me. In 1968, after I’d made it, people would ask me how long I thought it would last. I always told them that it didn’t matter, because I’d been fulfilled. I told them that they were talking to a real miracle in show business and challenged them to find anyone who was considered as abnormal as I was who still made the grade. What the world couldn’t see, what my parents couldn’t see, was that Christ was there to hear my silent prayers.”
~ Tiny Tim
Ibid.
.

.
WEIRD LIKE ME?

I once mentioned to my Ma (may she rest in Peace . . . yeah, I’m an orphan) that I dug that Rudy Vallee-ish “antique” sound of late 1920s and early ‘30s records. She later surprised me with a gift: a CD by trumpeter Clyde McCoy, recorded in 1931 and ’33. Great stuffs! Well, Tiny nails that old ‘20s/early-‘30s sound. I don’t feel I could necessarily recommend Tiny’s music to everyone. But if you’re as strange a duck as I am; if you like old stuffs; if you dig ‘Plan 9 From Outer Space’, Roger Miller, Jim Stafford, and Foghorn Leghorn; if you like green olives and buttermilk, and Excedrin on an empty stomach, then I think you’ll like Tiny Tim, too! I found that I dig in varying degrees 57% of the 107 tracks included in this 3-disc Tiny Tim box set. And some of that 57% I’m crazy about. Or maybe I’m just crazy.

“But I had the strength of Christ, as well as my baseball philosophy to keep me going. ‘Keep plugging,’ I told myself. ‘The game is never over until the last man is out.’ … I never forgot the way our Dodgers came back and I knew I could do it, too.”
~ Tiny Tim
Ibid.

Ed Wood Jr. with a ukulele – that’s Tiny Tim! Well, OK, there’s a bit more to it than that. Tiny also had going for him Eddie Stanky’s hustle, "Rudy" Ruettiger’s determination, CoverGirl’s cosmetics, and Christ’s miracle.
.

.
Let’s be honest, the ukulele is a pretty hideous instrument. But surprisingly, I found that Tiny Tim REALLY COULD sing. I particularly enjoy his baritone voice when backed up by an orchestra or studio musicians. But Tiny also had an impressive ability to adopt a wide range of various voices and to sometimes shift back and forth between them as quickly as Barry Sanders could cut back and forth across a football field.

“I knew from baseball that, according to the law of averages, even a guy who doesn’t get a hit very often may come up with that big clutch homer.”
~ Tiny Tim
Ibid.

I have my music collection arranged by genre; the first category is my favorite - Jazz and Jazz-like stuffs. Reading from left to right it goes: Pat Metheny, Glenn Miller, Ray Anthony, Brian Auger, Ben Webster, Wes Montgomery, Tiny Tim, and Frank Sinatra, etc. I deliberately put Tiny before Frank just to piss off Ol’ Blue Eyes, wherever he is. Ha! Take that, Frankie!

Thanks to Dr. Demento’s liner notes in the Tiny Tim box set, I learned about the fine Tiny Tim website maintained by Mr. Ernie Clark. And it was at Mr. Clark’s website where I finally found the actual Tiny Tim quote I had been attempting to track down for a few years now. [“Most of all, I’d love to see Christ come back to crush the spirit of hate and make men put down their guns. I’d also like just one more hit single.”]

That statement appeared in a really interesting June, 1970, Playboy magazine interview, which is the source of all the quotes I’ve used in this Blog Bit. I recently bought that issue of Playboy . . . but just for the article – I SWEAR IT!

“I’d painted ‘Jesus Christ Is My Lord’ over two of the walls, and He knows of the many lonely hours and prayers.”
~ Tiny Tim
Ibid.

On November 30, 1996, immediately after singing ‘Tip-Toe Thru The Tulips With Me’ on a stage in Minnesota, Tiny Tim suffered a massive heart attack and died some minutes later. (It may not have been the first time Tiny died on stage, but it was destined to be the last.)

HERE’S THE GIG

Alright, now listen up! Here’s the gig: We are going to help Tiny Tim get a second hit song so he will be posthumously removed from the One-Hit Wonder category. Are you aware that experiments have been conducted where large numbers of people have visualized the same result and that result has come to pass? All we need to do is get enough individuals to drop a coin into any body of water on Christmas Day (the upcoming one or some other one) and wish for Tiny Tim to score another hit song, and it will happen. One way or another, it WILL happen! (Of course, as time permits, my Emailing disc jockeys and radio station programmers across the nation might help as well.) Popular music’s all-time greatest underdog, Tiny Tim, will have another hit if I have anything to say about it. And I do.

“I can be very hard to live with during a hot pennant race.”
~ Tiny Tim
Ibid.

As far-fetched as all this seems, it IS going to happen. It was impossible that Tiny Tim would score a major hit song at all – especially with something as unlikely as ‘Tip-Toe.’ But since the impossible has already occurred, the second hit should come even easier. After all, it’s not impossible anymore; we’ve seen it happen before.

There’s still time for you to get in on the ground floor of this experiment. But if you don’t contribute a penny and your thoughts, think how you’re going to feel when Tiny gets miracle #2 (a second hit song), and everyone’s yakkin’ about it, but you won’t be able to honestly say, “An’ I he’ped!”

“The greatest invention in history is the safety pin. The second greatest is perforated toilet paper.”
~ Tiny Tim
Ibid.

In his interview with Mr. Ernie Clark, Tiny himself stated that he thought ‘Strawberry Tea’ had a chance to be a hit. And heck, why not? It may be my very favorite Tiny Tim tune. Tiny also said that he thought ‘Ever Since You Told Me That You Love Me (I’m A Nut)’ would have been a good choice for the second single, but I don’t know if that one – as much as it amuses me – has a genuine shot at radio attention in 2010. Mr. Clark said that he felt ‘Livin’ In The Sunlight, Lovin’ In The Moonlight’ “should have been a single.”

But I don’t care which Tiny Tune makes it into Billboard’s Top Forty; any one will work for me. I’d love to see his terrific number ‘Then I’d Be Satisfied With Life’ getting national recognition. And I could certainly imagine Tiny’s cover of ‘People Are Strange’ getting some airplay. I mean, really, who knew whereof he sang most - Jim Morrison or Tiny Tim? And if Morrison could take that song to number twelve on the Billboard charts, there’s no reason Tiny, as strange as he was, can’t reach number ten with it.

“I know that I’m a little stranger than most people.”
~ Tiny Tim
Ibid.

Regardless of which Tiny recording goes Top Forty, and regardless of how or when it happens, YOU are going to help me with this. Aren’t you? Friend? FRIEND? C’mon y’all! Let’s win one for the Timster!

God, Bless Tiny Tim . . . with one more hit. Please!

Those of you whose Email address I am in possession of can expect a little reminder from me prior to December 25th. We wouldn’t want any of my “real” friends [Hint!-Hint!] to forget to MAKE A WISH FOR TINY TIM ON CHRISTMAS DAY, now would we?

Everyone, please do consider making a wish for Tiny a part of your family's annual Christmas Day traditions.
.

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OVER THE RIVER AND THROUGH THE WOODS
TO GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE WE GO
THE HORSE KNOWS THE WAY TO CARRY THE SLEIGH
THROUGH WHITE AND DRIFTING SNOW
. . .
OVER THE RIVER AND THROUGH THE WOODS
AND DOWN THE ROAD WE RACE
AROUND THE BEND, OUR JOURNEY'S END
FOR THERE IS GRANDMA'S PLACE
~ Lydia Maria Child.

“NEVER HIT YOUR GRANDMA WITH A SHOVEL –
IT MAKES A BAD IMPRESSION ON HER MIND.”
~ Tiny Tim

Ukulelely Yours,
~ Stephen T. McCarthy

Links:

"MAKE A WISH FOR TINY TIM": THE EARLY YEARS

MR. ERNIE CLARK’S OFFICIAL TINY TIM WEBSITE

Postscript Links:

I WANT A HIPPIE POTTY-MOUTH FOR CHRISTMAS

'TINY TIM'S CHRISTMAS ALBUM' [Join The Tiny Tim Wish Fulfillment Team!]

ORIGINAL 'TINY TIM WISHING SITE' [Photo Gallery]

THE TINY TIM WISHING POND - 2010
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